Funny Vasectomy Story....
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  1. #1

    Default Funny Vasectomy Story....

    So I thought since it\'s slow at work hear today I thought I would share the LEAST professional experience of my life, my vasectomy.

    I have two beautiful and healthy kids, Maximillian Von Radom and Emerson Ripley Radom. With our daughter we were told to expect the worst. There were some very serious complications but everything came out fine and dandy against the odds. But after that we decided we couldn\'t risk going through that again and called her quits in the baby making department. I was of to see a man about a horse....

    So I live in beautiful Canada, home of the wonderful and free health care. There is a shortage of family Doctors in my region and I am one of the lucky few who was able to get a family doctor. I got mine fresh of the boat and out of Med school from Germany. Dr Aimo Burger is a great guy and I get along with him. He IS German which sometimes can be unsettling. \"And now you will show me where the pain is...\" is ten shades of creepy in a think German accent. My Dad is from Berlin so I think I would be less distracted by the accent, but I am not.

    So into his office I go. \"Doc, I want a vasectomy\". It\'s tough to try and work that into a conversation, even in a Dr.\'s office without everything coming to a halt. I expect if there was a party going on the DJ\'s record would have scratched and everyone would have quit dancing to stare at me while crickets chirped.

    So he begins to describe it to me. \"Here, let me show you, take off your pants.\" I feel obliged to mention that the office door was just slightly ajar, which becomes apparent when you\'re standing in your biblical state on a footstool in the middle of a room.

    \"They make a shave here, and here, which I can see you haven\'t done in some time.\". What? That\'s right, my Doc commented on the natural habitat of my wildlife. I don\'t know still if this was a European vs Canadian cultural thingy or what. My Doctor at that time had only been living here for about a month. Anyways..... He continued....

    \"And then you will feel a tug on your balls....\" What? Again, shouldn\'t my Doctor be referring to them as testicles? Was he trying to be cool, or was this a European thingy?

    Well after that he asked me \"Do you want a real uroligist to do this, or will a GP be good enough?\". Well in this instance I don\'t want to go for the just good enough approach. \"I would do it myself, but I have zero experience with vasectomies.\" That part is important...

    \"I\'ll take the real deal uroligist Doc.\"
    \"Two year wait!\" He said WAY to quickly.

    So he assured me the GP he would book with, Dr. Goluboff, had loads of experience. He was the MAN when it came to vasectomies (Do you get to brag about that at parties?). So it was set.

    The day of I was very nervous. I sat in the hospital waiting room with about a dozen other guys, all trying and failing to look macho. I especially appreciated the one guy reading the Superbowl predictions from a 5 year old Sports Illustrated. Please let me go first....

    I was middle of the pack. It sucked. Every guy went in, grunted and groaned, maybe yelped, and limped awkwardly out. Nobody made eye contact with anyone. My turn.

    I would like to tell everybody here that the worst smell I have experinced is the wafting odour from another mans testicles being cauterized.

    I thought ahead and wore super baggy sweatpants so I had my pants off and was on the table in about 3/4 of a second. If Guiness kept records for that I would put myself in contention. I wanted out of there Very Fast. I was on the table, ready for the worst.

    \"Good Morning Scott.\" In walked my Dr. Burger. He was wearing the cap, the gloves, and the mask looking all business.
    \"What are you doing here Dr. Burger?\" I know rookies gotta learn somewhere but please not on my wedding berries. \"Oh I am just here to learn and assist with Dr G____.\". Through his thick accent and the blood pumping in my ears I thought he said Dr. Goluboff, the man of a million cuts himself. He didn\'t.

    \"Good Morning\" In walked a very professional, if not a little young, doctor. \"How are you doing?\" looks down at my gear, \"I can see you\'re not happy to see me!\" he and Dr. Burger laugh hysterically. Great....

    So he begins and the two Dr.\'s are making small talk. \"Man, my kids kept me up all night long....\" Great, steady with that scalpel please. \"I hope we can get done early so I can go move my car outta the spot I am in.\" Uh-huh. Focus please.

    As they work and begin doing what Dr. Burger accurately described as \"Tugging on my balls\" an older fellow steps up to me. \"Hi there, I am Dr. Goluboff, is everything going okay?\" What in the name of holy hell.... \"Dr Golobuff, I thought you were performing the procedure?\"

    \"No, I am Dr. Gabruk.\" Great.
    \"How long have you been doing Vasectomies Dr. Gabruk?
    \"All morning!\" Hooray.

    So now I realize not only is \"Patch Adams\" doing the deal here but he is also on the green side of things. yeeesss! And then they cauterize me. Love that smell....

    And the best part. My vasectomy was performed in early January.

    \"Have you packed up your christmas ornaments yet?\" Dr Gabruk asked.
    \"Why...?\"
    \"\'Cause these balls are just for decoration!!!\" Then he and Dr. Burger LITERALLY high five each other. With traces of my blood on their gloves.

    But I got home okay. I can laugh about it now that the swelling is gone, and the happy ending is that my stuff doesn\'t work anymore. I guess that\'s it. Hope it wasn\'t too long for you (and that\'s what she said).

    Scott

  2. #2

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    Oh, I do thank you for that. I needed a laugh.

  3. #3

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    good story scottlol
    im from europe and i can asure you that your doctor is one of a kind:beer:

  4. #4
    Coffin Dodger / Keymaster airhead's Avatar
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    Two year wait? :o

    Ahh, the joys of socialized medicine.

    Two weeks. Scheduled it on Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving (4 day weekend). Worst part was the local.

    I\'m laying there thinking he needs some artwork on his ceiling tiles. HELLLOOO....

    Ok, now, tug.. tug... smell? BBQ? No, me BQ... :o

    \"Bring us a sample after 10 shots or 3 months.\"

  5. #5

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    ditto... lollol

  6. #6

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    I had to desperately suppress giggling so that I wouldn\'t have to explain to my coworkers what is so funny. lol

  7. #7

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    I feel slightly bad saying \"HILARIOUS!\" about a story like this, but that gave me one hell of a laugh.

    Thanks!

    Glad to hear it\'s all better now...

  8. #8

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    Originally posted by airhead
    \"Bring us a sample after 10 shots or 3 months.\"
    Well I did get it done after only two weeks with the \"plan B\" Dr. And they DID tell me to come back after 20, uhm... yeah, you knows.

    I never bothered as I figured if it didn\'t take I was either....

    a) a super man that no known medical procedure could keep down

    b) going to hire a very expensive lawyer.

    glad to hear I am not alone in this...

  9. #9
    Official Freak Bar Witch wiccanpony's Avatar
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    lol good story :) and I\'m laughing with you not at you:P

  10. #10
    Coffin Dodger / Keymaster airhead's Avatar
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    Originally posted by wiccanpony
    lol I\'m laughing with you not at you:P
    Yea, right. lol

  11. #11

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    Originally posted by ScottRadom


    I would like to tell everybody here that the worst smell I have experinced is the wafting odour from another mans testicles being cauterized.
    trust me, the smell of any flesh being burnt stays with you

  12. #12
    Official Freak Bar Witch wiccanpony's Avatar
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    Originally posted by airhead
    Originally posted by wiccanpony
    lol I\'m laughing with you not at you:P
    Yea, right. lol
    :rolleyes: you know me so well:P

  13. #13

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    I once had to have some of the blood vessels in my nose cauterised. There\'s no escaping the smell from that :o

  14. #14
    Official Freak Bar Witch wiccanpony's Avatar
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    :o look on the bright side, they didn’t have to cauterize with a red hot knitting needle:D

  15. #15

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    OUCH - but funny :P

    What else is very odd - if you ever have laser surgery on your eyes - is seeing smoke rising from them during the procedure! :P lol

  16. #16
    Superfreak!!! lizcam's Avatar
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    I hate to say it but...... lollollol


    You poor thing! Wanna cookie? (snigger)

  17. #17

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    Ive read about a procedure where they are installing a little valve.. shut it off and no babies..open it up and your good to go..

  18. #18

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    Originally posted by Dragon Forge Design
    Ive read about a procedure where they are installing a little valve.. shut it off and no babies..open it up and your good to go..
    Isn\'t that called a vagina?

    Thanks for all the kind words all. Hope a bad day in my life helped bring some light into one of your days.

  19. #19

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    oh, brings tears to my eyes.. lol.. I don\'t think i will ever forget going through the same experience.. the local anasthetic, and deffo the tug, that makes you want to sit up..:(.. and yes the smell :(..

  20. #20

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    Hoho! Nice stuff :D

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