im bored and good jokes or lymerics?

[cassar]

a russian an american and an englishman sitting in a bar talking about the health service.

russian: in my country the medical technology we have means a heart can now be transplanted to another man and within a week he will be able to look for work.

american: in the u.s.a our med tech means we can split a heart in half and put it into two people and whats more they will be able to look for work in 3 days.

englishman: we can transplant an arsehole from scotland into 10 downing street and within 24hrs the whole country's looking for work.

[DannyBoy2k]

Heh.

They say Richard Nixon had an asshole transplant. Unfortunately, the asshole rejected him.

[cheelfy]

Nice joke, I like it.

[cassar]

there was a young girl from divises who's b*&!s were two different sizes the first was so small it was no good at all and the second that big it won prises. boom boom

[cheelfy]

Boom boom boom.

[cassar]

you're on a horse, galloping away at speed. on your right is a sharp drop off, on your left is an elephant traveling at the same speed. directly in front of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. behind you a lion is chasing you. what must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round and act your age.

[cassar]

3 women one engaged one a mistress the other married decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bra's, stilleto heels and leather face masks.
the engaged woman says "my man leapt on me and we made mad passionate love". the mistress adds "me too". the married woman sighs "my husband came home took one look at me and said whats for tea batman"

[airhead]

Know what you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear (no eye'd deer).

[cassar]

more like oh dear

[WurzagUdUraZahuba]

There once was a girl from Toronto.
Notoriously hard to get on to.
But once you get there, and have parted the hair.
You can ride her a long as you want to.

[Rugne]

3 women one engaged one a mistress the other married decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bra's, stilleto heels and leather face masks.
the engaged woman says "my man leapt on me and we made mad passionate love". the mistress adds "me too". the married woman sighs "my husband came home took one look at me and said whats for tea batman"

Congratulations, Tea stings when it passes through the nasal cavity.

Marc

[cassar]

you might say "she offered him her honour, he honoured her offer and all night long he was honour and offer.

cheers rugne we aim to please

[Scherdy]

Know what you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear (no eye'd deer).

And what do you call a deer with no legs, AND no eyes?

STILL no idear.

[cassar]

an australian man walks into a crowded london bar (you could tell he's an oz because of his cork festooned hat and the crocodile under is arm). he then walks to the bar puts the croc on a table, orders himself a pint of castlemain xxxx, turns to the now silent crowd before dropping his trousers, he then jams is fingers up the crocs nose and forces the crocs jaws open before placing his tackle between the razor sharp teeth, he then necks the pint before addressing the crowd, "if any of you pommes can do the same i'll give you 500 quid!" the crowd again goes completely silent, then from the back of the room a solitary hand goes up and a blonde girl says i'll do it as long as you dont stick your fingers up my nose

[No Such Agency]

a blonde girl says i'll do it as long as you dont stick your fingers up my nose

At today's exchange rates, hard to blame her :P

From sci-fi author and card-carrying Sensuous Dirty Old Man Isaac Asimov:

(This parody is to be sung to the tune of Home on the Range.)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With its Y-chromosome changed to X
And when it is grown
Then my own little clone
Will be of the opposite sex.

(Chorus)
Clone, clone of my own,
With your Y-Chromosome changed to X
And when I'm alone
With my own little clone
We will both think of nothing but sex.

Oh, give me a clone
In my sorrowful moan
A clone that is wholly my own.
And if she's an X
Of the feminine sex
Oh, what fun we will have when we're prone.

My heart's not of stone,
As I've frequently shown
When alone with my own little X
And after we've dined
I am sure we will find
Better incest than Oedipus Rex.

Why should such sex vex
Or disturb or perplex
Or induce a disparaging tone.
After all, don't you see
Since we're both of us me
When we're having sex, I'm alone.

And after I'm done
She will still have her fun
For I'll clone myself twice ere I die.
And this time without fail,
They'll be both of them male
And they'll ravage her by and by.

[DannyBoy2k]

Congratulations, Tea stings when it passes through the nasal cavity.

Marc

But they're very clean afterwards!

[cassar]

thats a bit more like it more funnies plz

[heniosha]

An englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are being chased by the police.

They turn down an alleyway that leads to a dead end. Trapped with no where to go, they decide to hide in three empty sacks laying at the bottom of the alley.

The police cautiously approach the sacks and the officer kicks the first sack to determine its contents:

'Woof Woof' says the englishman. 'hmmm must be a bag of puppies' the policeman says. He kicks the second bag with his foot...

'Meow, Meow' says the Scotsman. 'hmmm must be a bag of kittens' the police man thinks.

He kicks the bag with Irishman in it and the Irishman says.... 'Potatoes'.

[PegaZus]

A clown, a nun, and a dog walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

[Dedwrekka]

A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"