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Thread: im bored and good jokes or lymerics?

  1. #1

    Default im bored any good jokes?

    a russian an american and an englishman sitting in a bar talking about the health service.

    russian: in my country the medical technology we have means a heart can now be transplanted to another man and within a week he will be able to look for work.

    american: in the u.s.a our med tech means we can split a heart in half and put it into two people and whats more they will be able to look for work in 3 days.

    englishman: we can transplant an arsehole from scotland into 10 downing street and within 24hrs the whole country's looking for work.
    Last edited by cassar; 07-30-2012 at 06:22 PM. Reason: the grammar police were'nt biting

  2. #2

    Default

    Heh.

    They say Richard Nixon had an asshole transplant. Unfortunately, the asshole rejected him.
    -----------------------------------------------
    Madness run in my family. It practically GALLOPS!
    Want proof? http://diaryofatank.wordpress.com/

    Quote Originally Posted by BPI
    DannyBoy, that's not fair, you owe me a new keyboard

  3. #3

    Default

    Nice joke, I like it.

  4. #4

    Default

    there was a young girl from divises who's b*&!s were two different sizes the first was so small it was no good at all and the second that big it won prises. boom boom

  5. #5

    Default

    Boom boom boom.

  6. #6

    Default

    you're on a horse, galloping away at speed. on your right is a sharp drop off, on your left is an elephant traveling at the same speed. directly in front of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. behind you a lion is chasing you. what must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
    ?
    ?
    ?
    ?
    ?
    ?
    ?
    ?
    get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round and act your age.

  7. #7

    Default one for the swedish contingent

    3 women one engaged one a mistress the other married decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bra's, stilleto heels and leather face masks.
    the engaged woman says "my man leapt on me and we made mad passionate love". the mistress adds "me too". the married woman sighs "my husband came home took one look at me and said whats for tea batman"

  8. #8
    Coffin Dodger / Keymaster airhead's Avatar
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    Default

    Know what you call a deer with no eyes?

    No idear (no eye'd deer).
    My Favorites
    I'm at and falling.
    si vis pacem, para bellum

    This post has been made with 100% recycled electrons.

  9. #9

    Default

    more like oh dear

  10. #10
    WurzagUdUraZahuba
    Guest

    Default

    There once was a girl from Toronto.
    Notoriously hard to get on to.
    But once you get there, and have parted the hair.
    You can ride her a long as you want to.

  11. #11

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cassar View Post
    3 women one engaged one a mistress the other married decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bra's, stilleto heels and leather face masks.
    the engaged woman says "my man leapt on me and we made mad passionate love". the mistress adds "me too". the married woman sighs "my husband came home took one look at me and said whats for tea batman"

    Congratulations, Tea stings when it passes through the nasal cavity.

    Marc
    Help me to hatch my eggs , click on it



  12. #12

    Default

    you might say "she offered him her honour, he honoured her offer and all night long he was honour and offer.

    cheers rugne we aim to please

  13. #13

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by airhead View Post
    Know what you call a deer with no eyes?

    No idear (no eye'd deer).
    And what do you call a deer with no legs, AND no eyes?

    STILL no idear.

  14. #14

    Default omg

    an australian man walks into a crowded london bar (you could tell he's an oz because of his cork festooned hat and the crocodile under is arm). he then walks to the bar puts the croc on a table, orders himself a pint of castlemain xxxx, turns to the now silent crowd before dropping his trousers, he then jams is fingers up the crocs nose and forces the crocs jaws open before placing his tackle between the razor sharp teeth, he then necks the pint before addressing the crowd, "if any of you pommes can do the same i'll give you 500 quid!" the crowd again goes completely silent, then from the back of the room a solitary hand goes up and a blonde girl says i'll do it as long as you dont stick your fingers up my nose

  15. #15

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cassar View Post
    a blonde girl says i'll do it as long as you dont stick your fingers up my nose
    At today's exchange rates, hard to blame her :P

    From sci-fi author and card-carrying Sensuous Dirty Old Man Isaac Asimov:

    (This parody is to be sung to the tune of Home on the Range.)

    Oh, give me a clone
    Of my own flesh and bone
    With its Y-chromosome changed to X
    And when it is grown
    Then my own little clone
    Will be of the opposite sex.

    (Chorus)
    Clone, clone of my own,
    With your Y-Chromosome changed to X
    And when I'm alone
    With my own little clone
    We will both think of nothing but sex.

    Oh, give me a clone
    In my sorrowful moan
    A clone that is wholly my own.
    And if she's an X
    Of the feminine sex
    Oh, what fun we will have when we're prone.

    My heart's not of stone,
    As I've frequently shown
    When alone with my own little X
    And after we've dined
    I am sure we will find
    Better incest than Oedipus Rex.

    Why should such sex vex
    Or disturb or perplex
    Or induce a disparaging tone.
    After all, don't you see
    Since we're both of us me
    When we're having sex, I'm alone.

    And after I'm done
    She will still have her fun
    For I'll clone myself twice ere I die.
    And this time without fail,
    They'll be both of them male
    And they'll ravage her by and by.

  16. #16

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Rugne View Post
    Congratulations, Tea stings when it passes through the nasal cavity.

    Marc
    But they're very clean afterwards!
    -----------------------------------------------
    Madness run in my family. It practically GALLOPS!
    Want proof? http://diaryofatank.wordpress.com/

    Quote Originally Posted by BPI
    DannyBoy, that's not fair, you owe me a new keyboard

  17. #17

    Default

    thats a bit more like it more funnies plz

  18. #18

    Default escape

    An englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are being chased by the police.

    They turn down an alleyway that leads to a dead end. Trapped with no where to go, they decide to hide in three empty sacks laying at the bottom of the alley.

    The police cautiously approach the sacks and the officer kicks the first sack to determine its contents:

    'Woof Woof' says the englishman. 'hmmm must be a bag of puppies' the policeman says. He kicks the second bag with his foot...

    'Meow, Meow' says the Scotsman. 'hmmm must be a bag of kittens' the police man thinks.

    He kicks the bag with Irishman in it and the Irishman says.... 'Potatoes'.


  19. #19

    Default

    A clown, a nun, and a dog walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
    "Reality, she's a mathematical bitch from hell.", MaxedOutMama
    Wanna be bored? Watch me twitter. --<>-- Still have neurons? Watch my YouTube channel on painting!
    Want to know when to fry your neurons? My painting twitter will announce the videos.
    To judge how far to follow my advice, consider this: ---<>--- Slappin' paint on minis since 2006

  20. #20

    Default

    A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"

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