im bored and good jokes or lymerics? - Page 12
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Thread: im bored and good jokes or lymerics?

  1. #221

  2. #222

  3. #223

    Default

    thats what you get when you drive like be...atch in asia................beeee atch slapped lol.
    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  4. #224

    Default

    But when you get beeee atch slapped with your own hand, that classic
    Spanish Balloons? Mongo like spanish balloons!

  5. #225

    Default

    While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is hit by a truck & tragically, he dies.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter, "before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

    "Well I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the MP.

    "I'm sorry but we have our rules."

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell, the doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door re-opens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
    "Now it's time to visit heaven."

    So 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers,
    "Well I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful but I think I would be better off in hell."
    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. he devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder
    "I don't understand," stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

    The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
    "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  6. #226
    Superfreak!!! Torn blue sky's Avatar
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    Default

    Lets go old school with an old formula!

    An Irishman, and Englishman and a Scotsman all become pally upon meeting on Foreighn Legion basic training. They all pass out with flying colours and are intergrated into their own battalion. There is an announcement that the following week the section will be sent out to africa, to take up an excersise in the Saharan desert. They are informed they are to take standard kit and one personal item.
    "What are you gonna take?!" The Irishman asks the Scotsman.
    "See this Jerry can, lad! Ahm gonnae fill it to the brim with water! Aye it'll be heavy but we'll be cryin fer it oot there!" He replies.
    The irishman ponders on this, he doesn't fancy carrying all that extra weight to the LZ.
    "What d'yah reckon you'll take?!" He asks the Englishman with trepidation.
    "I'll be taking this portable fan, wired it into a car battery! Bloody hot out there, old boy!"
    "You'z and that Scotish bastard are mad, MAD!" howls the irishman. He still can't get around the prospect of carrying the extra weight.

    The morning of the dust off, The Scotsman and the Englishman are lined up outside the transport plane in formation waiting to board looking around in anticipation for any sign of the Irishman.
    "Where the hell is he?!" Asked the bemused Englishman
    "Nae idea lad" Answers the Scotsman.
    Out of the dust comes the irishman huffing and puffin in a lopping run carrying a door from one of the land rovers...
    He arrives out of breath and falls in beside the other lads.
    "What in gods name are you doing with that?!" Inquires the Englishman.
    "Aye! Have ye taken leave of yer senses?!" Adds the Scotsman.
    "Not at all!" Retorts the Irishman with a sly grin.
    "See when youz are humfing about all that heavy shoite?! When it gets too hot, all I have to do is roll down the fu**ing window!"

  7. #227

  8. #228

  9. #229

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Chrome View Post
    Flash not supported
    OMG! I don't think I've laughed so hard in a long time. Thanks for that, I needed it!
    "Reality, she's a mathematical bitch from hell.", MaxedOutMama
    Wanna be bored? Watch me twitter. --<>-- Still have neurons? Watch my YouTube channel on painting!
    Want to know when to fry your neurons? My painting twitter will announce the videos.
    To judge how far to follow my advice, consider this: ---<>--- Slappin' paint on minis since 2006

  10. #230

    Default

    Aliens Are Here
    Female aliens are invading the earth
    and kidnapping men with big dicks....
    you're not in any danger,
    I just wanted to say goodbye.
    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  11. #231

    Default

    did you hear about the irish exorcism? a mother had to call the devil in, to get the priest out of her son...
    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  12. #232

    Default

    cops have no sense of humour ! i got stopped at about midnight and asked where i was going-i told them i was going to listen to a lecture about the adverse effects of alcohol on the human body.
    cop says "who's going to give a lecture at this time of night? "

    i said ,"the f%*&ing wife".
    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  13. #233

    Default

    Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does !!!
    Savasana

    Position of total relaxation.



    Balasana

    Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.


    Setu Bandha Sarvangasana

    This position
    calms the brain and heals tired legs.


    Marjayasana

    Position stimulates the midirift area and the spinal comumn.



    Halasana

    Excelent for back pain and imsomnia.




    Dolphin

    Excelent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.



    Salambhasana

    Great excersice to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.



    Ananda Balasana

    This position is great for masaging the hip area.



    Malasana

    This position, for ankles and back muscles.

    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  14. #234

    Default

    Dear Tech Support,
    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such and NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.
    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashed the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
    Signed,
    Desperate

    Dear Desperate:
    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically install run application Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
    Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
    Good Luck,
    Tech Support
    "Yes, yes, yes. Woman are in awe of his manhood and men swoon in his wake. Truly he is a legend in his own mind."

  15. #235

    Default

    In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.
    A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.
    A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.
    Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.
    And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.
    They miraculously survived the fire.
    The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
    The Mayor of London , when questioned stated calmly that it would
    Be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
    The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
    A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
    On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
    The chief fire officer quietly replied:-
    "They were at work."




    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  16. #236

    Default

    Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
    >learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
    >
    >'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
    >asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
    >
    >
    >Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get
    >mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?'
    >
    >'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
    >
    >'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
    >
    >
    >'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
    >have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that
    >maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
    >
    >And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
    >everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
    >everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
    >
    >Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
    >pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
    >
    >'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
    >Marines could shoot the fucker.'
    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  17. #237

    Default

    I've got a joke...The liberal democrat's policies. Yeah I went there..



    I've chosen my side.


  18. #238

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Niall View Post
    I've got a joke...The liberal democrat's policies. Yeah I went there..

    well come back and bring a proper joke with you lol.
    ouch ! no political comment please unless its funny, thats just fact now go away and dont come back until you've found an appropriatly funny joke about them...shouldnt be too hard.
    for example.
    three blokes talking in a bar the american says "in ma cuntry we kin take a man an give im a heart transplant n he will be up looking for work in two weeks"
    the russsian says "vell in my country ve kin take vun heart cut in two transplaaant eet into two men an zey vill both be looking for vork in von veek"
    the brit says "well we cant transplant one arshole from scotland into number 10 and within twenty four hours the whole country will be looking for work"

    you see how easy that was.
    Last edited by cassar; 05-04-2010 at 10:42 AM.
    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  19. #239

    Default

    Here's one I like, and you may have heard.

    An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman were each bequeathed a substantial amount of money by a wealthy eccentric, whose will stipulated that they must each leave 100 pounds in his coffin. At the funeral, the Englishman comes to the casket, pays his respects, and lays a 100-pound note on the deceased. The Irishman comes to the casket, pays his respects, and lays a 100-pound note on the deceased as well. Finally, the Scotsman approaches the casket, pays his respects, reaches in, takes the notes, and leaves a check for 300 pounds.

  20. #240

    Default

    An explorer is in the jungle, when he finds a dead elephant. It was the largest he had ever seen and standing next to it was a really small native, he asks him "did you kill this elephant", the native replies "yes, with a club". "it must have been a pretty big club" said the explorer

    "yes there were 150 of us..."


    I've chosen my side.


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