im bored and good jokes or lymerics? - Page 27
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Thread: im bored and good jokes or lymerics?

  1. #521

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    Awesome, I wanna be a badger when I grow up.

  2. #522

  3. #523

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    lol always the quiet ones with the secret bondage basement
    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  4. #524

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    Never stand behind the Devil in the Post Office because the Devil has many forms.

  5. #525

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    Chinese Proverb



    Confucius say,
    "If you are in a book store and cannot find
    The book for which you search, you are obviously
    inthe.....





    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  6. #526

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    Found this funny
    Complete History Of The Soviet Union, Arranged To The Melody Of Tetris
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWTFG3J1CP8

  7. #527

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    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up,

    and she eventually says, "I don't

    feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to

    hear...

    "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough

    for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me

    for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to

    sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend

    time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at

    a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she

    tried on several different very expensive outfits.

    She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy

    them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I

    said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

    We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a

    pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited.

    She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

    I started to think she was testing me because she
    asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
    tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

    She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the

    excitement.

    Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think

    this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't

    feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a

    baffled, "WHAT?"

    I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

    You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough

    for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill

    me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for

    the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least
    that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

  8. #528

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    Rules for dating my daughter

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    In order for us to get to know each other, you may think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on his subject is "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my Daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies, which feature chainsaws, are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v433/freak-in-a-cage/freakinacage-1.jpg

  9. #529

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    Two businessmen in Muswellbrook were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...


    As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
    One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."



    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"


    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

    Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, ”Must be doing well... Only two left."
    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  10. #530

    Default

    3 mice in a bar

    Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

    The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

    The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

  11. #531
    Official Freak Bar Witch wiccanpony's Avatar
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    May 2003
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    beware the killer sloths ...........


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8b5v...embedded#at=87
    " So remember that, when they're beating your ass with a metal shovel while you're dressed as Little Bo Peep - it's not deviant...it's art.

  12. #532

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    Quote Originally Posted by wiccanpony View Post
    beware the killer sloths ...........


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8b5v...embedded#at=87
    What strange fellows sloth's are.
    Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

  13. #533

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    OMFG! I've been laughing for 20 minutes:
    F*cking Autocorrect on the "smart" phones....LMFAO!

    Last edited by JesterzUSMC; 03-13-2011 at 08:27 PM.

  14. #534

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    lmao....

  15. #535

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    OMG, I just died....

  16. #536
    Official Freak Bar Witch wiccanpony's Avatar
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    May 2003
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    " So remember that, when they're beating your ass with a metal shovel while you're dressed as Little Bo Peep - it's not deviant...it's art.

  17. #537
    Superfreak!!! lizcam's Avatar
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    Moved to the land of Oz in March of 2014. Interesting place, Kansas.
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    It was kid's night tonight. We madw a video.

    We done done it now. We're finally hitched. We are now the dreaded two headed Roger - Liz - Bunting monster you have all feared.

  18. #538

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    it's the way the bird comes round for a snuggle after!
    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v433/freak-in-a-cage/freakinacage-1.jpg

  19. #539

  20. #540

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    A nun runs into the Mother Superiors office and gasps ' Mother Superior- we have discovered a case of gonorrhea in the nunnery!!!'

    'Thank God for that' says the Mother Superior

    ' I was getting fed up of the Chardonnay'

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