Need some good insults.............
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Thread: Need some good insults.............

  1. #1
    Brushlicker dogfacedboy uk1's Avatar
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    Default Need some good insults.............

    Over the years I have been fairly well known at work for being swift with witty put downs and insults as and when required. Of late, I feel my repetoire is running low, and my imagination a little worn out. I used to spend occassional quiet moments specifically thinking stuff up to store away ready for instant use but haven't done this for a while. So I am just wondering if anyone has any funny monty pythonesque style insults they are particularly fond of, preferably original of course that I can shamelessly steal to keep a colleague on his toes. I have a feeling in my bones that there are many people here with this sort of sense of humour....

    This colleague sometimes steps in to cover the boss as he used to be in charge himself and I insulted him after he gave me some additional work (just as I was getting ready to take it easy and start doodling) and its now become a bit of a challenge to throw insults at each other as he liked what I came out with and was laughing his arse off (it may have been the ridiculously posh, bawdy colonel type accent I put on as well as I only said "If all the c**t's in the entire world had their own country, you SIR would be its king." and then one of those big flourish of the hand type bows to finish).

    So anyone have some good insults??? General use or speciific situations, whatever you like. Don't rip off the French knights from Holy Grail either, originality please!!!


    dfb


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  2. #2

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    Calling someone a kitten molester always amuses me as you get that momentary confused and then horrified look

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    Brushlicker dogfacedboy uk1's Avatar
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    Ahhh, could be good, something along the lines of "You SIR, are more exitable than a kitten molester in a cattery!"....hmmm...

    dfb


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  4. #4

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    No apostrophes in a simple plural mate!

    The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he?

    I'd call you an idiot but that would be an insult to stupid people.

    After meeting you, I've had to rethink my position on abortion.

    I'd love to have a battle of wits with you but you appear to be unarmed.
    (Many variations on this one.)

    Were you always this stupid or did you take lessons?

    Don't let your mind wander, it's too little to be let out alone.

    I crap smarter than you.

    Were you the first in your family born without a tail?


    [married] They say opposites attract; I hope your wife is good-looking, intelligent and cultured.
    [unmarried] They say opposites attract; I hope you meet someone good-looking, intelligent and cultured.

    They say that travel broadens the mind... you've never been out of Cornwall have you?

    I'll try to explain it to you again... I'll talk slowly and use small words.

    Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

    I remember when that suit was in style.

    You'd be out of your depth in a puddle.

    Nice shirt. How long have you been colour-blind?

    If you were any more stupid you've have to be watered twice a week.


    Einion

  5. #5
    Brushlicker dogfacedboy uk1's Avatar
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    Sniffs the air.... do I detect an English teacher in our midsts lol. I stand corrected with head hung in shame. I have fond memories of my last English teacher, a great sense of humour. Any mistakes you made he circled in red pen so hard it would cut the bit of page out, you'd end up with a exercise book full of holes. And some of the girls had a habit of taking their shoes off which he'd proceed to kick from wherever they were sitting to the front of the room. Enjoyed his lessons immensely.

    Anyway, waffling aside their are a couple of great lines their, I am particularly fond of "I'd love to have a battle of wits with you but you appear to be unarmed...." I will make good use of these over the coming weekend!! And Einion, sorry but I could not resist taking the opportunity to bait you a little back there by using the wrong spelling of "there" lol.

    Keep them coming..........

    dfb


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  6. #6

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    I'm sure you could find something useful on this page. http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

    I'm sure you could find something useful on this page.
    http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

    Some examples on there:

    "Nature can be so cruel. I mean, look at you. How could it fuck up that badly?"

    "There's a reason you're such an arsehole. You just don't have to keep telling everybody about it. People will work it out for themselves pretty quickly."

    "You're always coming back. You're like herpes, or a terminator. No one's looking forward to seeing those again."

    "I am simply far too busy being passive aggressive to give a shit about you."

    "That's what I like about you. You're a reliable disappointment."

    "Life's a test. And you failed where it said 'name here'."

    "Your social life and the Bermuda Triangle are pretty much the same thing. Total mysteries and devoid of life. Now get the fuck out. Go play in the playground with the others."

    "Mmmm, I do like your shampoo. Smells like llama spit. Is it llama spit? Smells like llama spit."
    Last edited by Roger Bunting; 10-05-2011 at 12:37 PM.

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    Brushlicker dogfacedboy uk1's Avatar
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    Thanks Roger but some of those are a little harsh for friendly banter, although I will be filing a couple of them I like.

    One I am particularly proud of was when I made a mum joke to a younger colleague, I knew he was about to counter it with an insult of his own. Luckily it was fairly noisy and I was standing far enough away to pretend I was lost in my own world, being busy. I was doubly fortunate that it was a long winded insult he made and there were lots of people around to see his humiliation as I pretended I didn't hear a word of it. Simple is sometimes best.


    dfb


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    We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

    You must be the arithmetic man; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

    If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid


    Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?

    You don't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again you don't know the meaning of most words!

    Thou infectious rude-growing canker-blossom!

    If you spend word for word with me, I shall make your wit bankrupt.

    Your face is as a book, where men may read strange matters.

    Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...

    I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.

    You started at the bottom...and it's been downhill ever since!

    I heard you were so cool that you began teaching remedial classes at Cucumber college.

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    Brushlicker dogfacedboy uk1's Avatar
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    Ahhh, now those are exactly what I am looking for Roger - brilliant. I will have him for sure this weekend and the weekend after with some of those corkers!! Thanks, but keep them coming everyone. You can never know too many insults......

    dfb


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  10. #10

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    You sir/madam are the son of a motherless goat!
    "Yes, yes, yes. Woman are in awe of his manhood and men swoon in his wake. Truly he is a legend in his own mind."

  11. #11

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    People like you are the reason I'm on medication.

    I'm sorry, Talking to you seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns.

    Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.

    He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory

    If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

    I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.

    Which village is missing its idiot?

    I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

    You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.


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    Brushlicker dogfacedboy uk1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roger Bunting View Post
    People like you are the reason I'm on medication.

    I'm sorry, Talking to you seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns.

    Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.

    He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory

    If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

    I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.

    Which village is missing its idiot?

    I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

    You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.

    Now I can definately work with some of those lol. Great stuff. Thanks again.

    dfb


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    Brushlicker gohkm's Avatar
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    My wit has been bankrupted simply reading Roger's postings. Blimey ...

  14. #14

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    "Ask yer wife!" in an albert steptoe accent.how tall are you?...really i wasnt aware they could stack shite that high.you get dressed in the dark or what.if a thought ever crossed your mind it wouldnt have far to go.two things in this world i cant stand..n you're both of emyern arse is that big it has its own gravitational field.
    LAAARRFF, I SPLIT MY SIDES!!

    cassar [demigod] |ˈdemēˌgäd|
    noun ( fem. demigoddess |ˈdemēˌgädis| )
    a being with partial or lesser divine status, such as a minor deity, the offspring of a god and a mortal, or a mortal raised to divine rank.
    • a person who is greatly admired or feared.
    ORIGIN mid 16th cent.: translating Latin semideus .

    on a serious note, i do commissions, no really i do, ask and ye shall receive


  15. #15

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    One of my personal faves - " You sir have the face of a cat licking shit off a thistle"
    Note- Needs to be tried out in private a few times to make sure you don't stumble over the words when used as an insult.
    What you leave behind is not what is written on your tombstone but what is written in the heart of others.

  16. #16

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    You're ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road.

    When you go to the zoo, the elephants throw YOU peanuts!

    May the fleas of a thousand camel camps infest your armpit hair.

    You're ugly enough to chase a pit bull up a plate glass window.

    When you were born, the doctor slapped your mother instead.

    Is that your head or did your neck throw up?

    You're so ugly if you were a dog, I'd shave your butt and make you walk backwards.

    When you were a kid, your parents tied a pork chop around your neck, and the dog STILL wouldn't play with you.

  17. #17

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    Quote Originally Posted by nels0nmac View Post
    One of my personal faves - " You sir have the face of a cat licking shit off a thistle"
    Note- Needs to be tried out in private a few times to make sure you don't stumble over the words when used as an insult.
    I've heard similar with "face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle".

    "fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down"

    "face that looks like they've been chasing parked cars"

  18. #18

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    To quote 'The Bard'...you whoreson beetle-headed, flap-eared knave!

  19. #19
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    "I'm glad I don't paint portraits, the paint would curdle."
    I believe in Karma, what you give, is what you get returned. Affirmation; Savage Garden
    Oh look my IQ results came in:-
    , and proud of it.

  20. #20

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    "That was a pretty good insult... for a fifth grader. Come back and try again when you're ready to play with the grown-ups."

    "Did your mother have any children that lived?"

    "That was such a big word you tried to use, there... Do you feel all right? Do you need to sit down?"

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