How to be a man.....
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Thread: How to be a man.....

  1. #1

    Default How to be a man.....

    Received this today. It made me giggle....

    1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she\'s struggling. You take it from her hands, open
    it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn\'t. Jars are
    men\'s work.

    2, CALLING SOMEONE \'SON\' - Especially policemen but even saying it to kids
    makes you the man

    3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
    tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
    crippling the man. Magic.

    4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
    love. No, I don\'t need a sharpener, you think I can\'t whittle.

    5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
    you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish
    -noisy destruction.

    6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
    and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, \"Let\'s go\" and striding out while everyone else struggles
    to catch up with you. God, you\'re hard.

    7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

    8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it\'ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. \"Ooh, did it hurt\". \"Nah\".

    9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. \"Big night?\" Grr, what does it look like.

    10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
    share the unspoken bond. \"We\'ve not seen eye to eye in the past\", it says,
    \"but someone\'s got to keep the little scrotes in line\".

    11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
    handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

    12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
    becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

    13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn\'t mean
    you\'re popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of
    the pub doesn\'t know that.

    14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
    Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

    15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying \"are you a leg or breast man\" to the
    blokes and \"do you want stuffing\" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

    16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn\'t it?

    17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
    with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
    then, we\'ll make do with the aisles.

    18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing
    better is peeling notes off the roll later.

    19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. \"alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then.Seven.
    Seeya.\"

    20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

    21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in
    the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it\'s over we can stand there in
    silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
    other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

    22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn\'t make a fuss. \"Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage\".

    23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - \"a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?\"

    24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that\'s right,
    I\'m going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh#t.

    25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C_*T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
    man\'s way of saying \"you\'re a good mate; I missed you while you were in
    hospital\".


    Any more suggestions?

  2. #2

    Default LOL

    How about:

    * Believing that the speed limit is not only the maximum speed you are allowed to travel, but also the minimum speed and getting extremely cross with people who aren\'t matching it.

    * When approaching a junction, checking in advance whether it will be safe to enter and then rear-ending the complete tw*t who has stopped, put on the handbrake and selected neutral whilst they look right and left.

    * Making as much splashing noise as possible whilst urinating.

    * Believing that the bed only needs making just before you get into it, unlike the GF who wants it made as soon as you get out of it, in order to impress potential burglars.

  3. #3

  4. #4

    Default

    Originally posted by finn17
    * Believing that the bed only needs making just before you get into it, unlike the GF who wants it made as soon as you get out of it, in order to impress potential burglars.
    Been there, done that, lost the arguement, Now I make the bed in the morning. I have found its safer that way.

    Does this stop me being a man?

  5. #5

    Default Only if you tell people about it.

    Originally posted by Hoblit
    Does this stop me being a man?
    So, no harm done there then:flip:

  6. #6

    Default

    I make the bed in the mornings so i have somewhere to throw my crap on!

  7. #7

    Default That\'s just sick!

    I throw my crap on my unmade bed. No problemo!:flip:

  8. #8

    Default

    Bed?????......I don\'t need no stinkin\' bed...I always have a choice of coucheslol

  9. #9

    Default being a man...

    ...training the better half that the seat left up on the toilet is the proper setting. Let her put it down when needed, and back up when done.

  10. #10

    Default Being a man..

    Not having a seat on the toilet at all...;)

  11. #11

    Default

    you mean having a tree in the house?lol

  12. #12

    Default

    Originally posted by finn17
    How about:
    * Making as much splashing noise as possible whilst urinating.
    What, whilst in the bath?lol

  13. #13

    Default Toilet.....

    Toilet??

    What\'s wrong with the sink?


  14. #14

    Default what?

    I don\'t get the part about making splashing noises. It\'s not like you can avoid that sound when you\'re peeing on carpet. What am I supposed to do, pee on the wall?:D

    Don\'t forget about the inate sense of direction. Being a man means that we don\'t have to ask for directions, because we probably know the way, we just have to take a couple of extra turns to teach it to ourselves.

    But getting lost wouldn\'t be a problem at all if the women knew 1. the principles of drawing a map that is usable and actually connects the launching point to the destination and 2. how to read that map once drawn.

    I don\'t know about the rest of you guys, but when I see a map I am drawn to look at, even study, it. It doesn\'t matter if I will ever go to the area it is mapping. I want to know how to get around, just in case.

    barkel

  15. #15

    Default

    Plan a route using Autoroute, and then completely ignore it because I KNOW BETTER........ Grudgingly admit to partner several hours later that my knowledge of UK roads IS inferior to that of Microsoft.....

  16. #16

    Default That\'s disgusting!

    Originally posted by Spacemunkie
    Originally posted by finn17
    How about:
    * Making as much splashing noise as possible whilst urinating.
    What, whilst in the bath?lol
    It doesn\'t make a splashing noise whilst you are actually in the bath. You have to wait until you get out...:innocent:

  17. #17

    Default Or perhaps when the wife is in the bath.

    \"Excuse me honey. Trying to conserve water, you understand.\"

    Be sure to whistle over her complaints. If she gets too upset then remind her that pee is sterile and it will disinfect any cuts she gets from shaving. Then remind her that you saved 5 gallons of water, which is equal to like $.0004. Every little bit helps. Besides, she wasn\'t going to drink it, was she?

    barkel

  18. #18
    Official Freak Bar Witch wiccanpony's Avatar
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    Default

    :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

  19. #19

    Default

    Originally posted by wiccanpony
    :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
    agreed!:P

    although some of them i did get a good laugh at. :D

  20. #20
    Sturmhalo
    Guest

    Default

    Being a man means feeling quite comfortable re-arranging your wedding tackle in full public view.

    In my school days (12 years ago-ish) I recall seeing one lad (the sort no one would mess with!) standing in the middle of the classroom having a good rummage in his keks. Once everything was where he wanted it, he removed his hand, nonchalantly sniffed his fingers, and then wandered off.

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