Bad Times, Dark Days

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dogfacedboy uk1

New member
To be honest I'm not sure why I am writing this thread. I started off with the intention of just mentioning I may not be around much anymore, but I'll be popping in now and then. Just a quick kind of "bye for now folks". The reason being I am currently going through a very out of the blue seperation from my wife of nearly 10 years. She left me officially on Monday last week, I met her again on saturday and wrote a heart felt plea I wrote to her to say lets sort things out instead of just throwing everything away. Technically the problems we had were very kind of stuck in a rut, leading seperate lives and so on. Things that you can mend. But her career will be taking her away and she gave me a firm no. So my world and life has collapsed and I find my interests dont interest me and its hard if not impossible to think of anything else. Try thinking about such a thing and how you are a failure for all your waking hours its a big emotional drain.

Anyway, I am not one to air emotional laundry. I normally go for the strong, silent deal with it type approach. But I think this situation is beyond me. Maybe its best I stay on here to keep my mind distracted. I dont know. I'm just typing random thoughts now. So time to sign off. Never felt so low and destroyed in all my life.

dfb
 
QuietiManes

QuietiManes

New member
I think everyone can understand how that feels, at least a bit. In time, who knows how things will change, I hope you find yourself in a better, happier place and realize it. Don't let yourself close out the rest of the world.

I think the best thing will be to get out and have some fun with some friends as soon as you can. Something to keep your mind distracted, as you said. If your hobbies/work can keep you busy, that might work, but I know I can never focus on solo activities like that. Sitting alone and suffering in silence usually doesn't help anyone. Get a meal, grab a beer, go to a movie (action/comedy), watch a game, hit the local comedy club, you know, whatever you'd usually be doing with friends while smiling. Even if you don't feel like going out much, you'll thank yourself if you can force yourself out the door.

I know you didn't ask for advice, it just slipped out. Best of luck, DFB.
 
10 ball

10 ball

New member
Sorry to hear that. You are not a failure, you can not judge a marriage / relationship like a competition sometimes things just dont mesh together. As QuietManes says don't sit alone and suffer, get out and talk about it to family and friends, it really helps.
I found jogging a real good stress basher.
Instead of a 'bye for now' why not a 'I will be posting a lot more to keep my mind on track?'
chin up mate,

Lee
 
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ischa

New member
aww, i´m so sorry to hear this. what 10 said about jogging, really helps me keeping my mind off things aswell. shame that when we do get the girl, we cant seem to keep her aye?:/
 
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dogfacedboy uk1

New member
Thanks for the words of encouragement people.

Okay I will try the post more option, the focus on thinking about the situation 24/7 is literally killing me and I was getting some serious headaches last night at 3am. I dont get them as a rule so it must be the stress I am putting my mind under. I had a long conversation with a friend today, she helped me a lot and I am paying a visit to another friend that is long overdue. she is also recently seperated so we can have a bit of mutual support whilst watching some blu rays.

As to jogging, I have asthma so its a no to that idea. I do have a bottle of 10 year old single malt scotch however. Dont think that will last long though, 1/4 gone so far. I normally savoir my whiskey over the course of the year as I used to get a bottle from my brother in law every christmas.

Thanks folks.

dfb
 
cassar

cassar

BALLSCRATCHER
sorry to hear your troubles mate terrible situation to be in. Think you have enough on your plate at the moment however dont forget you have a lot of friends here and the supports there if you need it. Take care.
 
Bloodhowl

Bloodhowl

Active member
dogfacedboy uk1 said:
Thanks for the words of encouragement people.

I do have a bottle of 10 year old single malt scotch however. Dont think that will last long though, 1/4 gone so far. I normally savoir my whiskey over the course of the year as I used to get a bottle from my brother in law every christmas.
Click to expand...

Just be sure to watch yourself with this, and honestly, it wouldn't hurt to ABSTAIN. Not saying you have to quit, but use it in moderation. Alcohol is a depressant and you could find yourself spiralling further into depression rather quickly. Much better to focus on going out and having a good time with friends.

After my split with my first wife, the most important thing that helped me get over my depression was to stop focusing on her and the misconception that there was something wrong with me. I did this by going out with my friends (not hers, and less with mutual friends as they had a tendency to try to fix things between us which just aggravated the situation further), meeting new people amd engaging in new activities (mini-painting, Radio Control helicopters and paintball were my big three) and having a good time.

I did speak to a chaplain and marriage counselor. What did I learn?
Could I have done things differently in the relationship? Sure, you bet. Filed the info away for future use.
Could I have saved the marriage? NO! Why? Because it takes two people willing to work at having a successful marriage. My Ex was not willing to preserve the relationship. It sounds like yours is not either, so best advice I can offer you is to not focus on trying to save the marriage. It's done. Move on.

After you start to get out of the depression stage, watch out for anger to set in. Next stage will be to become angry at your ex for what she has put you through. It's OK to be angry, but be careful at lashing out and possibly hurting people that are trying to help you.

Easier said than done, I know, and made much more difficult if there are kids involved, but essential if you are to get through this trial in your life.

And you always have us at CMoN for support!

Take Care, Brother! You WILL get through this. It will suck, but it WILL get better!
 
freakinacage

freakinacage

Well-known member
Drink is never the answer, you feel worse for it, in the short and long term, trust me.

Asthma aside (I have terrible lungs myself - asthma and repeated, bilateral pneumothoraces), exercise is a great idea, really helps clear the mind and if the body improves, the mind often follows.

Sorry to hear about it, had a tough time with my last break up (although nowhere on this scale) and exercise really helps
 
10 ball

10 ball

New member
^^^ as said be careful when it comes to the booze. There is a devil in the bottom of that bottle for sure!
 
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ischa

New member
alcohol is great as a anxiety and depression cure, in SHORT TERM. as soon as the problem starts dragging out, i´d try to talk to someone instead. as for the jogging, asthma shouldnt be a roadblock. excercise is great for people with asthma, as long as you start easy, i should know, lived with asthma my whole life=)
 
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Chrome

New member
While not from such a long term relationship, I've fairly recently become without a relation myself. I took the road of removing myself from my hobbies. In hindsight that was a terrible idea, it kept me from a lot of great friends I've made both on here and in real life and it only made it harder to deal with my issues without having any stress relief... And worst of all, now that I'm starting to get over the ordeal I'm finding it difficult to come back with the same spark that I used to have even before my relationship.

If you want a stranger to rant to just PM me, I've been told I'm a good listener. :)

Every chapter that ends is the possible start of a new era. :)
 
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dogfacedboy uk1

New member
To everyone - your words of advice and encouragement are a great boost and I thank you all for taking the time to write your thoughts to me. Bloodhowl thanks for your thoughts especially.

Regarding the alcohol, i am not a big drinker usually. i certainly cannot hold my beer, 3 and im done. but whiskey is a different story. I have been drinking on an empty stomach all day today and i'm still close to stone cold sober. Haven't had much of an appetite either come to think of it. Three days with nothing whatsoever, in fact i can list what i have had in one sentence. 1 can of tuna, one packet dried rice stuff, next day egg muffin, gammon steak and chips, nothing the next day and three slices of pizza a few hours ago. I used to be an eating machine.

Thing is with all this I cant imagine a future life without my wife. Dont know how that sounds but its the truth. the last twelve years we have had have been the best time of my life. i cant remember much before then other than they were shit. my mid twenties saw a very dark time and if i go back to feeling like I did then, I am going to crash and burn. i am not going to go into too many details on that but i recovered and i recovered with no support or medical interference and i am proud of that fact. The thought of being on my own after all this time again is pretty terrifying for me. Now that might make me sound like a pussy, but my feelings are my feelings and I cant help them. Lonliness is not good for me anymore and to the odds of me recovering from that shit again are not good. Truly this is some head fucking stuff.

dfb
 
laurence

laurence

Brushlover
Hi dogfaceboy uk1,

After reading about your current situation, I feel for you man ~ and I can't truly imagine the pain, sense of loss and loneliness you're feeling right now. Sounds like a very tough situation with your wife not willing to work with you towards mending the things you listed, such as the leading seperate lives, etc. And for her to choose her career over 10 years of marriage with you, and give you a firm "no" when it came to reconciling the relationship, seems really harsh. So, it's only natural that you feel the way you do right now. But all is not lost mate! As cliché as this sounds, things do happen for a reason. And now is a great opportunity for you to take some time to reflect on your 10 years of marriage and all of the triumphs and mistakes you both made. And also get closer to the people you may have distanced. Such as family, old friends, etc. There may be other people who need you right now, and this seperation from your wife whether temporary or permanent, for better of for worse, gives you a chance to reconnect with them.

The worst thing you can do is let yourself sink into a negative way of thinking rut! 10 ball got it absolutely right when he reminded you of the fact that, "You're not a failure"! You're not mate! From reading this thread, it's obvious that you're a really cool, positive, honest and genuine person!! And the fact that you're willing to change your ways to make your marriage work is valorous to say the least.

Hey ~ I reckon you'd get a lot out of reading two very small books right now. "The Prophet" by Kahil Gibran and "Jonathan Livingston Seagul" written by Richard Bach. You may have already read 'em, but you can't go wrong! I especially recommend "The Prophet".

Cheers up mate:)
I know that in the not too distant future you'll be starting a new thread here at CMoN entitled: "Good Times, Happy Days"!

All the happiness!
Chris (laurence)
 
me_in_japan

me_in_japan

New member
Damn, dude - sorry for not commenting sooner - I only just saw this thread. There's a lot of advice up there, and it's pretty much all good stuff. I haven't experienced a split like you have gone through, but that's more due to going through my teens and most of my twenties being dreadful at actually starting a relationship in the first place than being able to maintain one long-term. That's not to say my life hasn't been without dark times, mind you. When things do get bad I always found that going out with friends was the best thing to do. Being by yourself for days at a time is depressing even when life is just ticking along normally. I'd also echo the booze-avoidance advice - I always found it to be a mood magnifier, so if I was feeling lonely it made me feel worse, and if I was feeling good it made me feel better. you should also try to eat properly - get some decent meat-and-two-veg type meals into you. You may not feel the need for it right now, but your body still needs the nutrition.

Best of luck, mate. We're all behind you cheering you on. You can't see us, but we're there.

-Dave
 
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dogfacedboy uk1

New member
Thanks laurence and mij. Everyones advice is well appreciated. I know drinking does not solve anything. i am looking at the bottle now, 1/3 of the way down and I only opened it yesterday. That would normally take me months to do. Anyway. I am on an eating day today. I probably wont eat tomorrow - need to diet a bit to. Movie night with a mate tomorrow.

me in japan - "You can't see us, but we're there" you should keep that its good. Thanks.

dfb
 
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