cassar
BALLSCRATCHER
Last edited:
politics is great isnt it
- Thread starter cassar
- Start date
evil tendencies
Cake or Death?
Get an error loading the page...
cassar
BALLSCRATCHER
got it now, had to get the son to show me how to post the link im such a relic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRwTj6iXnSI&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRwTj6iXnSI&feature=player_embedded
DannyBoy2k
New member
This caused Chrome to coin a new expression. Gmilf. I'm sure you can figure it out.
Me, I think it sounds like the whimpering sound you make after you've been kicked in the groin. GMILF! *collapse with thud*
Me, I think it sounds like the whimpering sound you make after you've been kicked in the groin. GMILF! *collapse with thud*
Master of fact
Member
Love it, politcs are great!
cassar
BALLSCRATCHER
explanation re politics of ni
irish politics
Good morning, tourists. Thank you for visiting our wonderful country.
Political information has not been included in your brochure, so here
to help you understand us better is a special guided tour of Irish
politics.
Ireland is an island to the west of Britain, but Northern Ireland is
just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.
(Look, if you wanted a region where politics are easier to understand,
you should have gone to the Balkans. Now pay attention.)
The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million
people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They
travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of
Ireland, but still pay in Euros.
Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be but a successful 30-
year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now
definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might
now be in France.
Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland.
It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in
Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the
South. No, not the south, the South. (Those who cannot follow this
might like to go off to the Giant's Causeway instead. You cannot miss
it - it is near a car park.)
There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called
the Dáil, an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers'
money.
The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning
placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.
Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary
line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.
(Note for Americans tracing their ancestors - fuel launderers are
descendants of one branch of the ancient Irish tribe known as Na
Níteoirí [launderers]. They are found today mainly near the border. The
other branch of the family, money launderers, are found all over
Ireland. It was Na Níteoirí Ola who composed the ancient Irish air, "I
love the smell of freshly laundered diesel in the morning.")
Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of
pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.
(Note for Germans learning English - a cross-border body is an
organisation, not a Sinn Féin minister who travels frequently between
Belfast and Dublin. It should not be confused with a cross border-body
which is a grumpy person in Strabane.)
Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the
only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North
goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to
avoid the price of drink.
We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by
holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the
result.
If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held
again.
Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was
wrong and ordered a new referendum. (Note to visitors from North Korea
- we told you that you would feel at home in Ireland...)
Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no
opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates
envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.
Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the
black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.
All IRAs claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real
IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. We now
have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRAs.
The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers
because it is the easiest to spell. (Literacy levels are improving.
Department of Education inspectors report that every Catholic child at
Key Stage 2 can now spell IRA.)
So now the rest of you want to go to the Giant's Causeway as well?
Fine, but before you go, did you know that the causeway was an attempt
in the Tertiary geological period to build an interpretative centre but
the developer ran out of political connections?
Oh dear, they appear to have gone - which shows that politicians may
advocate tourism but the systems and society they have produced do
little to encourage it.
irish politics
Good morning, tourists. Thank you for visiting our wonderful country.
Political information has not been included in your brochure, so here
to help you understand us better is a special guided tour of Irish
politics.
Ireland is an island to the west of Britain, but Northern Ireland is
just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.
(Look, if you wanted a region where politics are easier to understand,
you should have gone to the Balkans. Now pay attention.)
The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million
people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They
travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of
Ireland, but still pay in Euros.
Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be but a successful 30-
year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now
definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might
now be in France.
Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland.
It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in
Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the
South. No, not the south, the South. (Those who cannot follow this
might like to go off to the Giant's Causeway instead. You cannot miss
it - it is near a car park.)
There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called
the Dáil, an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers'
money.
The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning
placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.
Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary
line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.
(Note for Americans tracing their ancestors - fuel launderers are
descendants of one branch of the ancient Irish tribe known as Na
Níteoirí [launderers]. They are found today mainly near the border. The
other branch of the family, money launderers, are found all over
Ireland. It was Na Níteoirí Ola who composed the ancient Irish air, "I
love the smell of freshly laundered diesel in the morning.")
Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of
pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.
(Note for Germans learning English - a cross-border body is an
organisation, not a Sinn Féin minister who travels frequently between
Belfast and Dublin. It should not be confused with a cross border-body
which is a grumpy person in Strabane.)
Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the
only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North
goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to
avoid the price of drink.
We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by
holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the
result.
If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held
again.
Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was
wrong and ordered a new referendum. (Note to visitors from North Korea
- we told you that you would feel at home in Ireland...)
Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no
opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates
envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.
Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the
black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.
All IRAs claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real
IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. We now
have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRAs.
The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers
because it is the easiest to spell. (Literacy levels are improving.
Department of Education inspectors report that every Catholic child at
Key Stage 2 can now spell IRA.)
So now the rest of you want to go to the Giant's Causeway as well?
Fine, but before you go, did you know that the causeway was an attempt
in the Tertiary geological period to build an interpretative centre but
the developer ran out of political connections?
Oh dear, they appear to have gone - which shows that politicians may
advocate tourism but the systems and society they have produced do
little to encourage it.
evil tendencies
Cake or Death?
Still laughing, cassar, but I've stopped crying enough to type...
I love that bit about Dublin democracy.
I love that bit about Dublin democracy.
cassar
BALLSCRATCHER
news from the east....... midlands
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement..
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 16% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement..
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 16% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Niall
New member
Haha that is hilarious Cassar 
In the words of Lee Mack (comedian)
"Are there any Irish in the house tonight?"
"Yeah!" From the crowd
"So Protestants...top blokes! And Catholics....top blokes! Don't blow me up!"
That was far funnier on his DVD
Sub point however,
Even as an Englishman I am now confused as to what British refers to. We all use it to describe residents of the isle of Great Britain and sometimes crown dependancies, but what about the Irish? Does being in the British Isles mean you are British - even if you don't like it? Like being part of Europe whether you like it or not.
Discuss.
In the words of Lee Mack (comedian)
"Are there any Irish in the house tonight?"
"Yeah!" From the crowd
"So Protestants...top blokes! And Catholics....top blokes! Don't blow me up!"
That was far funnier on his DVD
Sub point however,
Even as an Englishman I am now confused as to what British refers to. We all use it to describe residents of the isle of Great Britain and sometimes crown dependancies, but what about the Irish? Does being in the British Isles mean you are British - even if you don't like it? Like being part of Europe whether you like it or not.
Discuss.
cassar
BALLSCRATCHER
Good Day and welcome to a brandnew edition of'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting
competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE!
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
This competition is open to everyone
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE!
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone
buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry
companies or Euro star.
No application ever refused -
reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ..
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to
All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ..
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to
phone a friend or ask the audience
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.
It won't costyou a penny.
It could change your life forever.
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Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.
It won't costyou a penny.
It could change your life forever.
So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...
COME ON DOWN!
Get along to the airport!
Get along to the lorry park!
Get along to the ferry terminal!
Don't stop in Germany or France !
Go straight to Britain
And you are:
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to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play
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cassar
BALLSCRATCHER
Scenario Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises
the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family. What do you do?
Scenario answer from a UK Police Officer:
Well, that's not really enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him
that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my
wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like
a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say
about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built
into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of
message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible
he would be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to
kill me or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab
his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing
me? Should I call 9-9-9? Why is this street so deserted? We need to
raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. If I raise my
gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over
running away, knocks his head and kills himself? If I shoot him, and
lose the court case does his family have the opportunity to sue me,
cost me my job, my credibility, and will I lose my family home?
Scenario answer from an Australian Police Officer:
BANG !
Scenario answer from an American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click... (sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping dad, were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,
illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous
mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is
entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." So there !
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises
the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family. What do you do?
Scenario answer from a UK Police Officer:
Well, that's not really enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him
that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my
wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like
a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say
about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built
into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of
message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible
he would be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to
kill me or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab
his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing
me? Should I call 9-9-9? Why is this street so deserted? We need to
raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. If I raise my
gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over
running away, knocks his head and kills himself? If I shoot him, and
lose the court case does his family have the opportunity to sue me,
cost me my job, my credibility, and will I lose my family home?
Scenario answer from an Australian Police Officer:
BANG !
Scenario answer from an American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click... (sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping dad, were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,
illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous
mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is
entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." So there !
cassar
BALLSCRATCHER
New element discovered
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest
element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles
are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has
no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of
Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a
second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium
has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons
to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a
critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as
Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many
morons.
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest
element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles
are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has
no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of
Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a
second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium
has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons
to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a
critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as
Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many
morons.
noneedforaname
New member
I shall utter the neccessary franky boyle quote
"before it was called political correctness it was known as spastic gay talk"
personally Im waitin to see how dumb the UK voting public is, one more labour government and Im packing my bags and getting the fuck out this country!
"before it was called political correctness it was known as spastic gay talk"
personally Im waitin to see how dumb the UK voting public is, one more labour government and Im packing my bags and getting the fuck out this country!
Wyrmypops
New member
Great quote. :good: Boyle's a genius. While it appears to deride political correctness it's slips into irony to show why it came to be. A means to erode the casual use of terms as slurs, perpetuating a society where accepted and indoctrinated discrimation was acceptable. As Al Murray said when out from his Pub Landord persona, "basically steering people away from being arseholes."
Hoping for a hung parliament myself. Not least because it'll amuse me to see the lazier cartoonists go for an obvious gag.
