Following on from reverend\'s thread, i need some advice. I met my wife about 7 years ago, i fell in love and married her. She was beaten and abused by her boyfriend before i met her, she is still suffering from depression because of it. Because i love her, i have spent all my energy trying to help her get over her depression, but despite this she has tried to commit suicide 5 times already the latest attempt was tonight, and every time it happens a little bit of me dies. About 2 weeks ago, my ex-girlfriend contacted me, we were each others first love. We found that there is still a lot of feeling for each other, and for the first time in years i have found something that makes me really happy! But despite this, i take my responsibility as a husband seriously. On the one hand, i have a wife that is desperately unhappy and needs me, even though she blames me for everything, and on the other hand, i have a good friend that just want to love me. I apologise if this thread makes no sense, its just that i feel very emotional.
Advice needed with shitty personal problem
- Thread starter Springbok
- Start date
Wow, i\'m really sorry to hear this.
I cant imagine what you must be feeling at the moment. And i already admire your courage to have dealt with it all.
This is (what seems to be) one of life\'s really hard choices. I mean you have always been there for your wife, yet she blames you and makes you unhappy due to it. And in a way it may make you feel you have to stay because she is very unstable and you have been through a lot with her. But on the other hand this other person makes you happy, and you clearly share feelings. And my motto is to do what makes you happy. though this motto has a predicament in your situation.
This seems so difficult as you may lose your chance of happiness to ensure your current wife is stable and doesnt do anything that she has previously tried. But on the other hand you deserve to be happy and it must be difficult to cope with especially when blamed.
Hope this helps, im sure it doesnt but maybe it will.
Hopefully the cipher will complete and come full circle and you have happiness and peace
I cant imagine what you must be feeling at the moment. And i already admire your courage to have dealt with it all.
This is (what seems to be) one of life\'s really hard choices. I mean you have always been there for your wife, yet she blames you and makes you unhappy due to it. And in a way it may make you feel you have to stay because she is very unstable and you have been through a lot with her. But on the other hand this other person makes you happy, and you clearly share feelings. And my motto is to do what makes you happy. though this motto has a predicament in your situation.
This seems so difficult as you may lose your chance of happiness to ensure your current wife is stable and doesnt do anything that she has previously tried. But on the other hand you deserve to be happy and it must be difficult to cope with especially when blamed.
Hope this helps, im sure it doesnt but maybe it will.
Hopefully the cipher will complete and come full circle and you have happiness and peace
Avelorn
Sven Jonsson
Does she go to therapy? take any medication? I had a girlfriend for a while that was suffering from depression and was suicidal. Didn\'t make it better that it was a distance relationship. I tried to help her but I couldn\'t and it ended because of my misguided help. I thought I could help her but I know now that I couldn\'t.. her story was so terrible it breaks my heart even thinking about it. She\'s struggeling still and it was several years ago we were together.
My bet is that she hates herself even more when she blames things on you. It usually works that way. It is not because of you she is depressed. Now do you spend a lot of time with other people or do you stay mostly at home? Because I mean this feeling you have for the other girl can also be a concequence that your life as it is now is not really working. So the question is, what happens if she starts managing her depression?
My bet is that she hates herself even more when she blames things on you. It usually works that way. It is not because of you she is depressed. Now do you spend a lot of time with other people or do you stay mostly at home? Because I mean this feeling you have for the other girl can also be a concequence that your life as it is now is not really working. So the question is, what happens if she starts managing her depression?
cup of tea please
New member
call relate and take her along to a counselling session to start things off.
is your wife on any meds to help with the depression?
you are evaluating the situation as any man would do. my advice is to stay well away from the old flame as all it can ofer for you is an exit strategy for your relationship.
go out and buy a copy of a book called I\'m love you but i\'m not in love with you.
here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-Im-Not/dp/0747578176
read it, do the counselling if you can together or alone. get some friends around you to talk about it, but not the one you had relations with.
i hope that helps for starters
is your wife on any meds to help with the depression?
you are evaluating the situation as any man would do. my advice is to stay well away from the old flame as all it can ofer for you is an exit strategy for your relationship.
go out and buy a copy of a book called I\'m love you but i\'m not in love with you.
here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-Im-Not/dp/0747578176
read it, do the counselling if you can together or alone. get some friends around you to talk about it, but not the one you had relations with.
i hope that helps for starters
Thanks for the good words! Medication has done more damage than good and councelling will only be possible if i tie her up and drag her there. I probably sound very selfish but i was a good soldier in the british army, she made me quit, i had trials to play for a big rugby team, she made me quit, i never used to drink, i can now finish a bottle of vodka with no effect. I must be an idiot.
Shawn R. L.
New member
Sounds like she could use a stay in a hospital. I\'ve done it 3 times for my depression. With 5 attempts, this is a crisis and needs to be dealt with hard, fast and now. Sometimes it can be hard to get a straight awnser from someone who is that far down but either from questioning or just a sense you get - Does SHE want to live if there is hope? That can be critical.
# Get ahold of a psych facility and let them know you are dealing with an emergency crisis and need help NOW.
# Line up counseling.
# Line up a regular doctor - there can be some physical things that can exaserbate the depression
# In this bad of a situation, med\'s are totally appropriate. Both anti depressants and shorter acting stuff for anxiety (be careful with the latter, some of them can be addictive)
# If there\'s drug/alcohol abuse, confront it NOW.
# Get parents, friends, clergy, anyone that can be supportive and provide that light at the end of the tunnel that your poor wife cant see right now. I had people do this for me and it probably saved my life.
# As best you can, make as many of the decisions you can (if you can establish enough trust) without involving her. Sounds cold but when that far down, a person dosn\'t make good choices and the added weight of decision making can be backbreaking.
# Be tactfully pushy with the doctors. I know here, sometimes it takes a little shove to get them to really take the situation seriously.
# An affair right now might, literally kill her, and you would be left with some serious baggage for the rest of your life.
# Seriously - pray.
# Get ahold of a psych facility and let them know you are dealing with an emergency crisis and need help NOW.
# Line up counseling.
# Line up a regular doctor - there can be some physical things that can exaserbate the depression
# In this bad of a situation, med\'s are totally appropriate. Both anti depressants and shorter acting stuff for anxiety (be careful with the latter, some of them can be addictive)
# If there\'s drug/alcohol abuse, confront it NOW.
# Get parents, friends, clergy, anyone that can be supportive and provide that light at the end of the tunnel that your poor wife cant see right now. I had people do this for me and it probably saved my life.
# As best you can, make as many of the decisions you can (if you can establish enough trust) without involving her. Sounds cold but when that far down, a person dosn\'t make good choices and the added weight of decision making can be backbreaking.
# Be tactfully pushy with the doctors. I know here, sometimes it takes a little shove to get them to really take the situation seriously.
# An affair right now might, literally kill her, and you would be left with some serious baggage for the rest of your life.
# Seriously - pray.
Shawn R. L.
New member
Also, YOU need to take care of yourself. You aint going to be able to help if you burn yourself out and sink with her.
You\'re in a tough spot. There are support groups here in the States for the people who are caring for someone who is ill. You might look into something like that?
You\'re in a tough spot. There are support groups here in the States for the people who are caring for someone who is ill. You might look into something like that?
Avelorn
Sven Jonsson
Well you don\'t sound selfish at all. You don\'t help her by being \"nice\" to be honest. You might have to in one way of another explain to her how it is and what needs to happen. She can\'t put this onto you, then the entire relationship is built on problems. Then the relationship diminish you both instead of of being constructive and supporting. She needs to deal with the problems in one way of another and she needs professional help dealing with it. If she don\'t like shrinks have her talk to say a priest?
Medication can help at times, but different pills for different folks. I hear mixed reviews from people on that area.
As shawn say. When you are in that situation you don\'t make good decisions. Some top advice from Shawn anyway.
Shawn R. L.
New member
It\'s not unusual to have a bad reaction to some psych med\'s. Psych med\'s tend to be VERY individual. There are a lot out there. Dont give up, just move on to the next one. Anti Psychotic\'s can work very well for depression. I\'m on an anti seizure med now, which are often used in depression, and it tends to flatten out some of the high\'s and lows.
I hope all will be good soon spring, an i know you said you left the army and rugby for her, it is because you clearly love her. You have been there for her. Been through it all. If she is blaming you she is clearly not in a good state, and will no doubt when this is sorted be all the more loving to you for being her rock, dont drag down no matter hard the situation is. I have never been depressed so bad i nearly took my life, but i have been depressed and felt life was too hard and wished to be dead, but then i realised i wasn\'t so i would make the most of what i had, i look back and feel glad i didnt.
I\'m so glad that everybody has had an input, this is a community i can say i am proud to be a part off
I\'m so glad that everybody has had an input, this is a community i can say i am proud to be a part off
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There has to come a point when you ask: Do I really want to spend the rest of my life wallowing in somebody else\'s pit of misery?
If a partner stops you doing something you love, that\'s a very bad sign. Sounds as though you\'re in danger of being sucked into depression as well - caning entire bottles of vodka aint good fella.
If a partner stops you doing something you love, that\'s a very bad sign. Sounds as though you\'re in danger of being sucked into depression as well - caning entire bottles of vodka aint good fella.
It sounds very much like you\'re enabling her behavior. You\'re not making her get help and you\'re allowing her to take you down too.
Now, before you get all depressed and stop listening to advice hear me out.
If someone you loved was sliding toward a cliff but they were saying they didn\'t need help, would you grab their hand or let them fall?
You need to step in and be a man and take that person to a doctor. Save them because they aren\'t going to do it themselves.
You said you were a soldier. I\'m a soldier too. I\'m a Staff Sgt in the USAF. Consider it an order to take that person to medical help.
BUT you don\'t need to stay with them forever. I was very depressed and my wife left me after I started getting help. Once you\'ve set them on that very bumpy road to recovery you\'ll need to recover yourself. It sounds like you\'ve been allowing yourself to backslide. You need to get your own self in gear and take charge of your life. Make yourself happy, because nobody is going to do it for you.
Along those lines, sure this other person sounds like a good idea, but why did you leave them to begin with if they are so great? Think about that. Think about long term dating before committing to anything. Think about how your marriage might to this other person might turn out, because no matter how great they seem, it could turn out the same way with them.
Date for a long time before deciding to get married again.
MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!! This is not your fault entirely. Your wife has total control over her own feelings. She just doesn\'t realize it. You have to know that this wasn\'t entirely your fault or hers. It was a team effort and it takes a team effort to pull out or dissolve it. If not, it will be the team that ends up crashing into the ground.
Now, before you get all depressed and stop listening to advice hear me out.
If someone you loved was sliding toward a cliff but they were saying they didn\'t need help, would you grab their hand or let them fall?
You need to step in and be a man and take that person to a doctor. Save them because they aren\'t going to do it themselves.
You said you were a soldier. I\'m a soldier too. I\'m a Staff Sgt in the USAF. Consider it an order to take that person to medical help.
BUT you don\'t need to stay with them forever. I was very depressed and my wife left me after I started getting help. Once you\'ve set them on that very bumpy road to recovery you\'ll need to recover yourself. It sounds like you\'ve been allowing yourself to backslide. You need to get your own self in gear and take charge of your life. Make yourself happy, because nobody is going to do it for you.
Along those lines, sure this other person sounds like a good idea, but why did you leave them to begin with if they are so great? Think about that. Think about long term dating before committing to anything. Think about how your marriage might to this other person might turn out, because no matter how great they seem, it could turn out the same way with them.
Date for a long time before deciding to get married again.
MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!! This is not your fault entirely. Your wife has total control over her own feelings. She just doesn\'t realize it. You have to know that this wasn\'t entirely your fault or hers. It was a team effort and it takes a team effort to pull out or dissolve it. If not, it will be the team that ends up crashing into the ground.
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That\'s a crock. How do you know if his mrs has control over her feelings? You\'ve got no insight into her mental health history! And surely it\'s part of having mental health problems - that you DON\'T have control over your thoughts and feelings?
@Springbok: Do what\'s right for you. If the relationship has run its course or is damaged beyond repair, do what you\'ve got to do. You only get one life - why spend it miserable for the sake of possibly looking like a bit of a bastard for a few months?
Wow, that is a really bad situation. Being married to a psychologist, i am going to give slightly biased advice, but i do not believe that psychiatry can help for the long term. It only masks the symptoms and will not help you or your wife truly overcome what is happening/what has happened. That said, it sounds as though medication could really be useful in the short term, while more longer term help is found. If you feel that she in is danger of hurting herself, then seek an intervention with a doctor immediately and get her committed to a mental health department. Her well being is the most important part at the moment. She might hate you initially for taking this step, but that won\'t last. If she is not an immediate risk, i would still consult with a GP and let them know what is happening and that you are trying to seek help. Your GP should have good contacts as well.
Most importantly, talk with your wife. Let her know how much it is affecting you as well as her. Tell her you wish to see a psychologist/counsellor/doctor together. Don\'t make it just about her. What she does affects you and everyone connected to you and her. There are support systems out there. Check with local support groups as well as religious centres. They can also often help in these circumstances.
I believe that your attraction to your ex is nothing more than a sympton of the current situation. If your wife was not going through her problems, would you even have considered your ex?
Don\'t forget to look after your self as well. Talk with your friends and family. They will hopefully be able to help as well. It is not something you should be trying to deal with on your own.
Most importantly, talk with your wife. Let her know how much it is affecting you as well as her. Tell her you wish to see a psychologist/counsellor/doctor together. Don\'t make it just about her. What she does affects you and everyone connected to you and her. There are support systems out there. Check with local support groups as well as religious centres. They can also often help in these circumstances.
I believe that your attraction to your ex is nothing more than a sympton of the current situation. If your wife was not going through her problems, would you even have considered your ex?
Don\'t forget to look after your self as well. Talk with your friends and family. They will hopefully be able to help as well. It is not something you should be trying to deal with on your own.
Because everyone in-fact has some control over their feelings and it\'s the feeling of hopelessness that keeps people from seeking and accepting help. She\'s not accepting help and attempting suicide because she feels helpless. Empower people to help themselves by letting them know they are in control and they will lose their feelings of helplessness.
People actually make a subconcious choice to feel more helpless than they are, because in their mind it\'s easier than facing down fears of regret, disillusion, and failure. I know it sounds wrong to say they\'re in control but they are. The problem is pointing out the trend in behavior and turning it around.
I was in a similar situation for a long time and I\'ve since educated myself. I was very depressed and I didn\'t know why. Once I knew why and how I became depressed it was much easier to correct it. I\'ve since talked 5 of my friends out of killing themselves and started a local suicide prevetion circle.
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So how do you explain severe mental health disorders?
Are you saying that it\'s possible for a schizophrenic to control their thoughts and behaviour? When someone\'s whole perception of reality is completely impaired? What about something like bi-polar disorder?
There\'s evidence to suggest genetic predisposition to psychological disorders. Not much controlling that is there? What you\'re suggesting may or may not work, but it sounds a bit like a metaphorical slap around the face and being told to \'snap out of it\' to me.
Are you saying that it\'s possible for a schizophrenic to control their thoughts and behaviour? When someone\'s whole perception of reality is completely impaired? What about something like bi-polar disorder?
There\'s evidence to suggest genetic predisposition to psychological disorders. Not much controlling that is there? What you\'re suggesting may or may not work, but it sounds a bit like a metaphorical slap around the face and being told to \'snap out of it\' to me.
Whether or not she has control over her feelings is not the issue here. The point being made is that HE DOES NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER HER FEELINGS and should not feel like he does.
If she\'s that far down into depression, medication attempt(s) didn\'t work and she\'s not in therapy then she\'s not trying to get better. And don\'t give me any of that \'she can\'t do it herself. It isn\'t her fault.\' stuff.
I can speak from experience on this one. She has to make the decision that she wants to get better. And only she can decide what \'better\' means.
So no, Springbok, there\'s nothing wrong with what you\'re feeling. You\'ve tried your best but you can\'t \'fix\' her.
Unfortunately any attempts you make to get out of the situation are not going to be pleasant. Expect \"Whatever happens now is your fault!\" kind of statements.
Legally are you able to have her admitted for observation? It\'s harsh but it might be what is needed to get her on a better path.
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Rastl, did you bother to read anything I just wrote?!
I fear you grasped the wrong end of the stick....
Some of you talking \'from experience\' just sound as though you don\'t have that much experience of psychological disorders at all. Let\'s put it like this: Many people with mental health problems don\'t \'get better\'. They live with the problem their entire life. It\'s about medication and coping strategies. In some cases these don\'t work and the person will become a danger to both themselves and/or others.
My point boils down to this, if you\'ll excuse the flippancy: Some things are so broken that they can\'t be fixed.
I fear you grasped the wrong end of the stick....
Some of you talking \'from experience\' just sound as though you don\'t have that much experience of psychological disorders at all. Let\'s put it like this: Many people with mental health problems don\'t \'get better\'. They live with the problem their entire life. It\'s about medication and coping strategies. In some cases these don\'t work and the person will become a danger to both themselves and/or others.
My point boils down to this, if you\'ll excuse the flippancy: Some things are so broken that they can\'t be fixed.
PegaZus
Stealth Freak
Gee... everybody has such much better advice than I was going to give.
Mine? Oh, no, I really shouldn\'t.
What\'s that? You insist? *sigh* Okay.
It\'s really not that good.
I was going to recommend to get the ex-girlfriend and wife together for a threesome.
See? I told you it wasn\'t good advice. Would have been funny if this wasn\'t such a serious thread.
Don\'t blame me. I didn\'t want to say it, but you insisted.
Mine? Oh, no, I really shouldn\'t.
What\'s that? You insist? *sigh* Okay.
It\'s really not that good.
I was going to recommend to get the ex-girlfriend and wife together for a threesome.
See? I told you it wasn\'t good advice. Would have been funny if this wasn\'t such a serious thread.
Don\'t blame me. I didn\'t want to say it, but you insisted.
