Right, Rab\'s barbeque recipe.
Get ready in plenty of time so that the food is nearly ready as guests arrive.
Drink beer.
Fill barbeque to top with charcoal.
Realise you can\'t fit the grill on now.
Remove charcoal until grill fits.
Drink more beer.
Light charcoal using proscribed barbeque lighters.
Swear repeatedly as the wind blows out match after match.
Use one match to ignite remainder of box and throw box into barbeque.
Swear some more when the box of matches goes out without lighting the charcoal.
Drink another beer.
Get lighter and lighter fluid, saturate charcoal with entire tin of fluid.
Light charcoal with lighter at arms length.
Retreat from leaping flames, grasping immolated hand and swearing.
Pour beer on hand.
Wait for flames to die back and realise that although the lighter has exploded and the paint is peeling off the barbeque, the charcoal remain resolutely unlit.
Drink more beer.
Syphon petrol from lawnmower, fill water pistol with petrol, use water pistol and borrowed lighter to make flame thrower.
Put out flames on garden shed, dog and small child.
Dance with joy as you realise that the charcoal has lit.
Drink beer.
Intercept firemen and explain that what your neighbour saw was not a small nuclear device detonating.
Offer them beer.
Realise that guests are arriving and in a panic throw food on barbeque even though flames are still 3 feet high.
Drink beer whilst prodding food with stick saying \"Just a couple of minutes\".
Notice that food is now indistinguishable from charcoal.
Realise why humanity has spent centuries trying to find a method of cooking that doesn\'t involve open flames and that offers a means of controlling temperature.
Drink beer.
Sneak into house and phone local take away to deliver a selection of burgers, chicken drumsticks and sausages.
Drink beer.
Pay for take away.
Burn delivered food just enough so that people think it\'s been \"flame grilled\".
Drink beer.
Swear to never do this again.
2 weeks later, the sun\'s out and someone suggests a barbeque.
Drink beer........
