Daft competition

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squidders

Active member
I have an old Eldar Harlequin painted by Andy Craig as seen in White Dwarf issue 112. Also, there is a very nice condition copy of the magazine.

Harlequin.jpg


White_dwarf.jpg


I will package them nicely and post them to the winner (within the UK) - giving stuff away is ok but I don\'t want to pay a fortune posting to Guatemala.

Now, the competition... running for 48 hours, please post clean jokes... the one to make me laugh the most, wins. ;)

***Edited issue number - it\'s now correct***
 
darklord

darklord

New member
ok here is one for you:

a bloke takes his blonde girlfriend to an american football match.
afterwards he asks her what she thought and she replies \" all seems a lot of fuss over 25 cents\"
\"25 cents?, what do you mean?\"

\"well\" she says \" to begin with they threw a coin and one team got it then for the rest of the time the other team kept shouting, get the quarterback\"

here\'s a corny one for you:
why do bald men put rabbits on their heads?

because from a distance they look like hares!
 
squig hunter

squig hunter

New member
In Soviet Russia, \"In Soviet Russia\" joke makes YOU.

And another one:

In America you cann always watch \"Big Brother\" in Soviet/Stalinist Russia Big Brother watches YOU.lol

Squig
 
S

supervike

Super Moderator
Hey, I\'ve got that mag!!

Good luck with the competition, hopefully you come up with some doozies....

A blonde joke I heard recently...


A blonde lady is rowing a boat in the middle of a grassy field, no matter how hard she might try, she can\'t make the boat move.

Passerbys are laughing and pointing. Finally one lady, another blonde, yells at her from the edge of the field.

\"It\'s blondes like you that are giving us a bad name!! I\'d come out there and smack you, if I could only swim!\"
 
T

Torn blue sky

New member
I dunno what barriers I can break on here lol but I have some crackers.

erm lemmie see...

A group of girls are passing a field on the side of the highway. In this field is a blonde in a rowboat, going hell for leather! Not making much progress but trying hard...
The blonde driver stops the car and just looks out in disbelief, turns to her friends and says;
\"You know it\'s shit like this that gives us blondes a bad name!\"

\"If I had a rowboat i\'d row out there and kick her ass!\"

Let me see what else...lol I\'m trying to keep it clean.

A couple of guys have been sitting at the bar for some time now, one of them finally turns to the other and says...\" Wanna see something really cool?\"
\"Sure\" tha other guy says.
So this guy takes out a little piano, tiny stool...and finally a little bloke out his top pocket. The little bloke gives a wave and starts playing the works of Mozart!

\"JESUS!\" says the other guy \"thats amazing! Where did you get that?!\"

\"Here\" says the owner of the little bloke
\"Take this magic matchbook, strike a match and make a wish\"

\"Cheers....\" says the other guy, walks out the bar and away home. Jsut before bed he remembers the matchbook. He stikes a match an a gene appears!

\" I can grant you one wish! And one wish only!\" Says the gene.

Fair enough, thought the bloke, this shouldn\'t be too hard...
\"I wish I had a million bucks!\"

\"Done\" said the gene and dissapeared.

The bloke falls asleep soundly but is awoken in the morning by an insesant quacking! \"What the hell...\" He finds his house teaming with ducks...Damn
He goes back down the bar later on and confronts the guy again;

\"HEY! I made my wish and woke up with a house full of f**king ducks!\"

\"What did you wish for?\" asked the other bloke

\"A million bucks!\" Replied the man

\"Well\" says the bloke \" Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?!\"
 
U

Undave

Flockwit
Hey Squidders that\'s issue 112 in the photo not 113. I know this because it\'s the start of my unbroken run of WDs.

Er...Joke...

What\'s E.T. short for?

He\'s only got ickle legs...


And my daughters favourite

Knock knock

Who\'s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock knock

Who\'s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock knock

Who\'s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock knock

Who\'s there?

Banana

Banana who? ...... Ad nauseam

Knock knock

Who\'s there?

Orange

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn\'t say banana :no:
 
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squidders

Active member
oh yeah... it is supposed to be 112 - 113 was a typo... the mini is in the \'eavy metal section. I\'ll edit my original post. Thanks for letting me know.
 
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Torn blue sky

New member
They were the only ones I could think of off the top of my head that weren\'t potentially offensive lol

Bloody PC

ED what the hell; I could tone it down by bleeping myself.

Whats the definition of a drawing pin???

A Smartie with a *explitive deleted*

Did you ever hear the one about the gay Magician??? He vanished with a poof lol
 
J

Jazz is for losers

New member
For sheer brevity and ruthlessness, my favourite has always been-

What\'s the difference between an onion and a lawyer?

You cry when you cut an onion.


That\'s been modified slightly to make it socially acceptable (to all non-lawyers).
 
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Yetie

New member
2 Mexicans cowboys escape after a botched train robery, however they escape into the desert.

After 2 days of no water or food they smell somthing. Both of them can\'t believe it, they can smell bacon, some ham and best of all pork chops.

They come over the top of a dune and see a bush with all cooked bacon etc on it.

Pedro close to death unable to take it any longer runs towards the bush, BANG pedro falls shot and turns and shouts (in a mexican accent) \"no ricardo its a hambush!!!\"
 
B

Beelzebrush

Active member
Ack! I\'m rubbish at jokes, but what the hell :D

A troll walks into a bar, with a big steaming pile of dog cr*p in his hand.....
\'look what I almost stepped in...\' he says to the barman.

lol

hmmm... ok... I\'ll get me coat :D
 
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supervike

Super Moderator
AHA!!

TBS...you\'ve told the same joke I did (although you told it better) but at least I got to beat YOU to the punch for a change!!
 
Dragon Forge Design

Dragon Forge Design

New member
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot really had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird\'s mouth was
rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the
bird\'s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
anything else he could think of to \"clean up\" the bird\'s vocabulary.

Finally though, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back.John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and more rude!

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the
freezer! For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed..... then
suddenly there was total quiet! Not a peep was heard for over a minute!

Fearing that he\'d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John\'s outstretched arms and said, \"I believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

\"I\'m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.\"

John was stunned at the change in the bird\'s attitude!

See below
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As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued, \"May I ask what the turkey did?\"
 
H

Highbulp Billy

New member
This is the first one that comes to hand (and cleanish...)

Three ducks walked into a bar.
\"Say, what\'s your name?\" asked the bartender to the first duck.
\"Huey,\" replied the first duck.
\"How\'s your day been, Huey?\"
\"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?\" said the duck.
\"Oh. That\'s nice,\" said the bartender.
Then he said to the second duck, \"Hi. And what\'s your name?\"
\"Dewey,\" came the answer from duck number two.
\"So how\'s your day been, Dewey?\" he asked.
\"Great. Lovely day. I\'ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, \"So, you must be Louie?\"
\"No,\" she said, batting her eyelashes. \"My name is Puddles.\"
 
D

DaN

New member
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead each fall off a cliff at the same time.
Who lands last?

(The blonde, who has to stop and ask directions)

------------------------------------------------------

Two monkeys about to have a bath.

The first monkey goes \"Ooo OOO OOO AAAHH AHHH AHHH!\"

The second monkey goes \"Well put some more cold water in!\"
 
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