Daft competition

freakinacage

freakinacage

Well-known member
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn\'t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

\"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate\'s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your

bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.\"

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

“Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk\'s habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part\".

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

\"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
\"Pour the tin of golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple

and if we are allowed pics:

AlteredPoolBaby.jpg
 
S

squidders

Active member
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and remain cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called \'Beer.\'

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in cans, bottles, or from taps and in large \'kegs.\'

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that \'something bad\' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life\'s savings, in a familiar scam known as \'a relationship.\'

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as \'marriage.\'

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this \'Beer\' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up \'Golf Courses\' in the Yellow Pages.
 
Dragonsreach

Dragonsreach

Super Moderator
Staff member
Saturday Night Bath

It was time for Father John\'s Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John\'s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
\'Oh, sister,\' said the young nun dreamily, \'I\'ve been saved.\'
\'Saved? And how did that come about?\' asked the old nun.
\'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.\'
\'Did he now?\' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued,
\'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.\'
\'Is that a fact?\' said the old nun even more evenly.
\'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.\'
\'That wicked old bastard\' said the old nun. \'He told me it was Gabriel\'s Horn, and I\'ve been blowing it for 40 years\'.
 
S

squidders

Active member
ok... time\'s up... i\'m going to read through them from the start...

I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division...
 
S

squidders

Active member
WINNER

Well, it was a toss up between ZaPhOd\'s \"half a cat\", demonherald\'s \"fsh\", Swordwind\'s \"brown trousers\" and darklord\'s \"25 cents\".

The one that made me chuckle the most was... Swordwind and the pirate brown trousers... Please PM me your address and I will get the mini and mag out to you tomorrow.

Thanks all for the jokes and for helping me to offload a mini I didn\'t really have room for... I know I made you work for it but I’m an arsehole like that :D

Cheers all,

Joe
 
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