I know which I'd rather be

Chern Ann

Chern Ann

Only when they're green
Staff member
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12249215 is a nice summary of the original op-ed article which boils down to strict (and perhaps cruel to be kind) vs relaxed (and perhaps nurturing for success) parenting. I don't think this is an East vs West thing, you just need to look at American beauty pageant parents, or parent-coaches of child athletes like Tiger Woods.

This isn't about other essential life skills like social interaction, dialogue, empathy etc. I learned these at school with the other kids just fine; almost no Asian children are homeschooled, that would probably have been viewed as being very "soft".

Coming from a country where almost ALL mothers are extremely focussed on formal education of their children, I faced intense competition with my other asian peers. When I went off to university in the UK, I was rather surprised at the seemingly light workload whilst my contemporaries struggled through their library reading lists.

I think key foundational aspects of education, math, reading, logic, creative writing and music are not optional. As a businessman, being able to rapidly calculate a position in my head so I can spit out a counter offer immediately (rather than, let me check, I'll get back to you), has been incredibly valuable. It's well backed up by research that a child's brain is very plastic before puberty, and still somewhat into the teens, so even seemingly unrelated activities like piano help considerably in pushing a child's brain to its maximum potential.

I'm grateful for being put by my mother in a position that gave me a large range of possible life choices when I was old enough to choose. I can't imagine the result of constantly being told "you're great" at something, when really, you're not, and then facing competition from someone who really has been trained to excel. I don't think I'd trade what I am now for a carefree and coddled childhood.
 
freakinacage

freakinacage

Well-known member
i think my parents have been quite good tbh. maybe they could have been a little stricter at times but it's such a fine line and i think i turned out ok! where are you from originally? where did you go to uni?
 
gohkm

gohkm

Active member
Chern Ann said:
I'm grateful for being put by my mother in a position that gave me a large range of possible life choices when I was old enough to choose. I can't imagine the result of constantly being told "you're great" at something, when really, you're not, and then facing competition from someone who really has been trained to excel. I don't think I'd trade what I am now for a carefree and coddled childhood.
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Word. I remember the discipline that was imposed on me during my piano-learning days, and that translated well into discipline in university. Unfortunately, that discipline doesn't seem to apply towards painting and finishing miniatures ...
 
Master of fact

Master of fact

Member
I knew were the line was growing up. I think i crossed it once with my own stupidity. Iv never been so scarred of someone in my life. I was never beat or suffered in any way. All my dad did was sit me down, looked at me and said " i brought you up better than this, i am dissapointed in YOU" and he got up and walked away. I thought that was it. My parents were not strict more of a if you stick your hand in that wasp nest will get stung, but you might not!

Yes i stuck my hand in. Stupid bugs
 
C

Chrome

New member
Awesome article!

I do think I got a western upbringing, at least, I didn't get an eastern one by their definitions, but I think mine was a bit less like the stereotype of a western one.
I remember being encouraged to try things I didn't know how to do and fail, to get bruises and laugh about falling. I'm sure I got cradled and comforted when I had hurt myself or done something that didn't fit my expectations but what I do remember is my mom and dad looking at me, laughing at how helpless I looked in that awkward situation and telling me to get up and brush the dust off of my clothes.

I remember having a pretty free upbringing, if I wanted to try something I was allowed to, within limits of course, and if I seemed to enjoy it I was encouraged to continue. If I failed I was told to suck it up and if I improved I was usually praised, But I never got praise for things I didn't do good, only if they were better than what I had done before.

So, I'm the kind of guy who was allowed to taste the sand in the playground just because then I'd know how it tasted. I've got scars and dents on my body from my childhood from playing with sticks and stones and other sharp or dangerous objects.

I believe I grew up faster because of this, not because I didn't have any demands on me but because I was allowed to play with dads knife, if I cut myself I'd know it hurt. Today stereotypically western parenting seems to be all about keeping your kid as clean as possible and as far away from the harshness of life as you can possibly get, which is wrong in my eyes.

When I have kids I know I'll let them taste 'grown up juice', I'll let them throw rocks at each other and I'll laugh at how stupid they look right after they've done a Bambi on ice in the living room. I believe that it is important to let your kids know how it is to be a grown up early on, the sooner they are able to make rational decisions based on their own experiences the better.

I'm just here to help my kids grow up, not make sure they're naive for as long as possible just because it's cute.
 
wiccanpony

wiccanpony

Official Freak Bar Witch
both my parents were raised in really stirct households >mom had to deal with fundie SB as a kid< .... both split home before reaching 21.

so all 7 kids were raised to 1- take of our selfs, 2- choices good or bad, 3- no matter what the world thought, "we had worth"

ps ... that crazy hateful SB Grandma lived with us for a while, showed me going Wicca was right O.O
 
Shellshock

Shellshock

New member
I was allowed to eat the strawberry soap in a department store to find out for myself it wasn't a real strawberry, that's really how I've been raised to not be afraid to try things and learn from it if it goes tits up. My dad was raised in a military boarding school, could always tell he was disappointed in me and my brother for not excelling in school, my mother had the total opposite and always taught us to try our best and that's all that was asked. I wasn't hounded to do homework the moment I stepped in from school, I could chill out and have a snack, maybe watch a cartoon or two aslong as it got done before dinner.

Granted, I work in a supermarket and my brother takes orders for pizza, I wouldn't change the way I was raised by my mother, I would however of liked to be able to actually learn in school which may have given me the desire to further educate myself, as it happens I went to a public school where the disruptive few were king, you get to a stagnent point where you've been learning about the same thing for 2 years because the teacher has no power to remove idiots and let the rest progress. As a result me and my other half hope to send our kids to private school for a better standard of education, and encourage them to go onto further education, I will however let them eat fruit shaped soap and climb trees, you can't be taught everything in a classroom.
 
T

Torn blue sky

New member
Eh I had a pretty strict upbringing really, it was mostly "You can't do that!" "You're no good at that" as opposed to "That's great" or even any semblance of "I'm proud of you", not that I mind. Every time they'd try and run me into the dirt i'd just say "F*ck you, pal!" and crack on with it. Sure it sucked major balls at the time, but I can't say it did me any harm. Would I treat my kids like that? No. Would I be as strict in their upbringing? To a degree.
I believe kids still need time to be kids, y'know? People don't seem to get that these days, they just want them to grow up ASAP and I reckon that's extremely counter productive.
When it comes to education and their failings, i'd have no trouble in pointing them out, however. If they want praise, they'll learn to earn it rather than be Laudered with it day in day out for no real good reason.
 
Chern Ann

Chern Ann

Only when they're green
Staff member
freakinacage said:
i think my parents have been quite good tbh. maybe they could have been a little stricter at times but it's such a fine line and i think i turned out ok! where are you from originally? where did you go to uni?
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I'm from Singapore, went to Birmingham for my uni of all places. I applied late through clearing after attending law school in Singapore and decided that the teaching style wasn't what I'd expected from a university (really spoon fed, result oriented, great when you're young, not so great if you're an adult). In hindsight, I should have gone to Exeter or Manchester but oh well, I'd probably have been bored to attempted suicide in Exeter, and I did get to meet a LOT of French and Spanish ladies in Birmingham due to a rather active Erasmus exchange program.
 
Chern Ann

Chern Ann

Only when they're green
Staff member
ahh yes.... nothing like young women, far from home and family, eager to try new things and free from pre-existing relationships.
 
Aliengod3

Aliengod3

Active member
Pageant parents are pretty crazy. There is a show on tv and it documents how they treat their children. You can watch and see the impact that these parents' neurotic ways have on their children and what the outcome will be when they get older. They will end up crazy like their parents completely obsessed with their looks and physical appearance.

Growing up my parents put alot of emphasis on school and the importance of grades. I remember being in third grade (8 or 9 years old) and I brought home my first REAL report card and I had a C in math and reading. My mom screamed at me for a good 30 minutes and made me spend the rest of the day in my room. I was pretty upset and I did not know what the big deal was.

I take my grades more seriously now that I have a career goal in mind.

As for parenting, my parents were pretty liberal with me. I pretty much ran around and did whatever and it was cool as long as I called my parents so they knew what I was doing. I used to come home with scrapes and bruises and all kinds of battle damage and they just patched me up and I was out the door again. I learned alot about how to be cautious when doing things as a result of making my dumb decisions as a kid, but that is the fun of being a kid.
 
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T

Torn blue sky

New member
The strange thing about Brum for me is i've an uncle and cousins that live there, I only ever heard it getting slagged growing up! One night out as an adolescent male changed all that!
That said, I just remember a metal club some pretty faces and waking up in someone elses' house. T'was a good night regardless, and was a mighty fine futon. There was about 5 of us in that bastard! I suppose the only saving grace was that I had a woman next to me and not morning wood...

I regret nothing!
 
I

IdofEntity

New member
With WP on this one.

I'm going to go ahead and disagree with both super-supportive mothers and super-disciplined mothers. Teach them self-reliance. If your kid comes up and says "I want to buy a bicycle" let them figure out how to buy a bicycle. Or show them how they could make money and then let them at it. Let the child figure out what they want, let them figure out how to get it, and let them fail. If we want to prep them for adulthood why do we insist on not treating them like adults?

And on feedback: Why are we praising our kids for every scribble? Conversely, why would you tell the child that unless it was perfect it was crap? Why not be honest? "It's much better than your painting last week, but you're still not conveying depth properly." Parents take it on themselves to spare the child from hurt or to bludgeon them into perfect instruments. If you choose either way then you are somewhat responsible for their success, their failure, their trauma, their doctorate or their exile. If they learn to discipline themselves, then they are responsible for their lives.

My father took a very hands-off approach in my upbringing. If I ever demonstrated a desire to learn something he'd show me the basics and let me develop my skills on my own. My mother insisted on the family spending time together, but didn't insist on any particular area of study or discipline. The result? I'm by no means perfect, but I have some success. What success I have has been through my decisions. What failure I've had has been through my decisions. My parents don't look for their success in me.
 
freakinacage

freakinacage

Well-known member
Torn blue sky said:
The strange thing about Brum for me is i've an uncle and cousins that live there, I only ever heard it getting slagged growing up! One night out as an adolescent male changed all that!
That said, I just remember a metal club some pretty faces and waking up in someone elses' house. T'was a good night regardless, and was a mighty fine futon. There was about 5 of us in that bastard! I suppose the only saving grace was that I had a woman next to me and not morning wood...

I regret nothing!
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i have never had a bad night out there. been on some great ones before games days

a mixture of slick charm and classical good looks. and long hair
 
T

Torn blue sky

New member
That would elicit a disappointed response from me when I realised they were pointing to my head lol!
Brum's great for nights out though! If it wasn't for bad luck, Crystella, i'd have no luck at all most the time lol! Some might just say i'm a bit of a jammy bastard.
 
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