Need Advice from married/engaged gamers

T

TheDoctor

New member
I'm at a loss. I've found the woman I'm going to marry and we're now engaged, but my hobby is a recurring fight. She doesn't like the amount of my free time that I spend building/painting/gaming and insists that I'm not paying any attention to her. The fact is that she gets the majority of my time through running errands, cooking together, going out to eat or to the movies or going to social events. If we have a few hours of time with nothing to do at home I tend to spend half of it at my table and it turns into a fight about how I'm obsessed.

Where is the balance? Do I just have to give it up as I've seen so many do before? It would certainly explain the number of single gamers that populate my local shop....
 
Bloodhowl

Bloodhowl

Active member
TheDoctor said:
I'm at a loss. I've found the woman I'm going to marry and we're now engaged, but my hobby is a recurring fight. She doesn't like the amount of my free time that I spend building/painting/gaming and insists that I'm not paying any attention to her. The fact is that she gets the majority of my time through running errands, cooking together, going out to eat or to the movies or going to social events. If we have a few hours of time with nothing to do at home I tend to spend half of it at my table and it turns into a fight about how I'm obsessed.

Where is the balance? Do I just have to give it up as I've seen so many do before? It would certainly explain the number of single gamers that populate my local shop....
Click to expand...

3 things come to mind:
1. Wait until you're married. Around year two, she will want less to do with you and you can get back to work.
2. Try to get her involved and show her you want to share something you love with the one you love.
3. Slip out of bed after she's asleep and get in an hour or two.
 
ten ball

ten ball

Active member
Carnt say for the gaming side but for the painting i find it best to have a set time on certain days. She might get her head around that instead of random hours here & there.
 
Bailey03

Bailey03

Well-known member
Well, my wife is doing her residency so there will be evenings or weekends where she'll be at work and I'll be on my own at home. Those are the times where I really binge on painting and hobby work. I've also got a somewhat mobile painting station, so I can roll it into the common room and do a little work while she's on the computer or reading or whatever, but still be in the same room and not off hiding in my office. But when she's home and not busy doing something else I try to stop my hobby work or at least any part that requires a great deal of attention. I might clean up mold lines and stuff like that while we're hanging out and watching tv.

If you can get her involved, as Bloodhowl said, that's great. It can be tough, these sorts of hobbies don't exactly follow a 50/50 gender split. But maybe start with some board games and work up to it. Or if she's got an artistic/creative side see if you can appeal to that.

Alternatively, you can just have a serious conversation (when neither of you are angry) about your need to have some time to enjoy your hobbies. Maybe if you have more of a fixed schedule like one hour a night or several hours Saturday/Sunday morning to devote to hobby work. I doubt she wants you to abandon your hobbies, just not spend as much time on them. So if you can together agree on a certain time of the day/week set aside for 'hobby time' then that should hopefully help you avoid getting into arguments about it.
 
Dragonsreach

Dragonsreach

Super Moderator
Staff member
Employ Tact and Diplomacy, tell her you need this as a tension and stress from work release allowing you to be a better person with her.
When that doesn't work, try "my way or highway" and be ready to duck!
 
AndyG

AndyG

Active member
Hmmmmm yeah tough one! I had that a bit but I moved it downstairs on to a mobile paint station. Limited it to a couple of hours a night and gave Saturday / Sunday to doing stuff with her (most of the time). Don't argue with her about it just get on and do it and when she starts going on at you graciously put the stuff away. However get it out again the following night she'll get the message eventually. Failing all that stick yo your guns and politely tell her its your hobby and your doing it and that's that! Compromise works both ways if your willing to limit it and put it away when she wants to chat etc then she also has to let you paint some of the time.
 
unszene

unszene

New member
Would she feel the same if you were as passionate about books? Or going to the gym?

We all need time to ourselves. In my case my hobby time is my ME time, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I watch maybe three hours of TV a week. My wife (of 17 years) watches much more than that, but doesn't expect me to sit there with her. TV is her guilty pleasure. And that's ok... That three hours i do watch TV is spent watching it with her, and it's time well spent. Now if only i could get her to hobby for three hours a week! ;)

I heard a great piece of relationship advice and it's the only one I ever share- "If it's gonna be an issue that lasts just 15 minutes, get over it! If it's gonna be an issue in 15 years, you better work that shit out."

Good luck in your relationship. Making one work is all about compromise. How much you compromise will be up to you, but in my humble opinion, you should not have to give up your creative outlet.
 
shponglefan

shponglefan

New member
I wish I had good advice, but my last serious relationship ended for similar reasons (essentially we had different interests and involvement in said interests meant not spending time together).

As I see it you really have just two options:

1) Give up your time to spend it with her.
2) Find someone else who will allow you the free time for your interests.

In practice, I've yet to see a middle ground actually work in the long run.
 
yxalitis

yxalitis

New member
I work my hobby time into my relationship.

Let's face it, a relationship is more important than some painted ogres.
Ideally, you partner will support you, and be interested in your hobby.

My new GF is great, she'll come in, stand next to me while wearing some skimpy night clothes, and say.."no, keep painting, I like watching"
Then she'll find a reason to bend over...
...I don't get much painting done...
 
chaos spawn

chaos spawn

Member
It seems to be the same problem everywhere :).

Try to get her involved, tell her how important your hobby is for you, try to make a fixed scedule for your (and also her-) hobby and make sure that she can also spend time on her hobby.

I often paint at night when my wife is asleep so she can't complain.

@yxalitis lucky you!
 
Stewsayer

Stewsayer

New member
I seem to just get away with balancing my painting, cycling, working and family time. I say just because this last week the looks have turned a little closer to daggers than they have for a while.

My strategy:
1. Spend some time just with her, every day. I don't always manage this as we have kids. But when i'm not on night shift we watch DVDs together.
2. Agree limits on your hobby(s) with her. I agreed to 2 rides a week and we've stretched it to 3. Painting is a little different see below.
3. Get her involved. We ride together infrequently but she enjoys it. For minis. We started playing D&D with the kids for a while and we all painted our own character minis. She enjoyed it. Now we have Zombicide she enjoys helping paint the figures and the whole family loves playing the game on an almost weekly basis (my shiftwork interferes occasionally).
4. And pretty important, help out with the chores around the house. Its amazing how much grace clean and folded washing or a meal cooked by you buys.

Finally watch for the looks turning to daggers when you mention painting, it means you're failing on some or all of the above.
 
marjedi

marjedi

New member
yxalitis said:
I work my hobby time into my relationship.

Let's face it, a relationship is more important than some painted ogres.
Ideally, you partner will support you, and be interested in your hobby.

My new GF is great, she'll come in, stand next to me while wearing some skimpy night clothes, and say.."no, keep painting, I like watching"
Then she'll find a reason to bend over...
...I don't get much painting done...
Click to expand...

My GF once used her ample "assets" to hide my brushes...

Damned women :)
 
ten ball

ten ball

Active member
Stewsayer said:
I seem to just get away with balancing my painting, cycling, working and family time. I say just because this last week the looks have turned a little closer to daggers than they have for a while.

My strategy:
1. Spend some time just with her, every day. I don't always manage this as we have kids. But when i'm not on night shift we watch DVDs together.
2. Agree limits on your hobby(s) with her. I agreed to 2 rides a week and we've stretched it to 3. Painting is a little different see below.
3. Get her involved. We ride together infrequently but she enjoys it. For minis. We started playing D&D with the kids for a while and we all painted our own character minis. She enjoyed it. Now we have Zombicide she enjoys helping paint the figures and the whole family loves playing the game on an almost weekly basis (my shiftwork interferes occasionally).
4. And pretty important, help out with the chores around the house. Its amazing how much grace clean and folded washing or a meal cooked by you buys.

Finally watch for the looks turning to daggers when you mention painting, it means you're failing on some or all of the above.
Click to expand...

So many things I could say ...... he he :giggle:
 
Wyrmypops

Wyrmypops

New member
I had a girlfriend that while I was painting appeared, wearing lingerie and aiming what sexiness she could summon at me. I carried on painting. She didn't give up. "Do you wanna go upstairs?" Without looking up "sorry love, I'm painting a dragon." Thinking back I wonder if that was the beginning of the end. Was a good dragon though.
 
Maverick_

Maverick_

New member
I've used a number of methods. hiding the time I spend on my hobbies, denial that I spend on my hobbies, excuses like I had to help out a friend or family member. Basically, treat your hobby as your mistress that you don't want your significant other to find out about.

Actually, I had it pretty easy that my now wife was actually interested in my gaming and painting and she didn't mind too much. But just in case I do keep my painting station at my work bench for house projects, which I do try to be busy fixing something if my wife does come to see what I'm doing. Also, now that we have kids, my boys enjoy working on projects with daddy. Give the boys an old miniature and some cheap paints, while I get some painting done too. That won't help you till you have kids, but something to keep in mind.
 
Maverick_

Maverick_

New member
Most women will try to distract with sex. I've had it happen with a couple of different women over the years. Whatever you do in that situation, don't ignore her, but reward her for her clever plot to pull you from your obsession/hobby, and give her extra attention. Do this because she will be pleased and delighted to have such control over you... plus it won't be unpleasant for you either.
 
AndyG

AndyG

Active member
Ok hands up married men of 7+ years couple of kids etc that would frankly fall of their painting chair if the wife came down in lingere and offered sex so that they'd stop painting eh?........sniff or am I the only one :( I know I'll wear crocs to bed tonight that'll get her in the mood ;)
 
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