Need Advice from married/engaged gamers

[denstore]

I only have negative stuff to say, but it has to be done. Fix these problems before you get married, or there will be pain.

1. If she finds your hobby stupid, nerdy, pointless or immature now, she won't accept it more in the future. It sounds like you like her a lot, and hopefully she feel the same. But love is about accepting the whole package. If she don't like this, and want you to change, she will keep trying to change you. And if you don't change, it will get bitter in the end. Been there, done that, separated, licked my wounds....

2. It sounds like you already are running errants and such for her? Don't believe that those things will change to the better. If she is using you now, she will do it more later. She will keep stacking more and more on to you. In my experience, people who do this, have no respect for other peoples personal time. She thinks that time spent with your hobby is wasted time, time that could have been spent on doing things for her. She will say it is for you as a couple, but in reality, it is for her. She could have run her own errants, but decided your time was less worth than hers. This is where I am right now, and it isn't a nice place to be....

 

[Dragonsreach]

Denstore; that is, as you say a very negative point of view, but I have to say it is true.
Unless there is respect in a relationship then it can get very unpleasant.

I'm fortunate in that Fran understands that I need to express some kind of creativity, no matter how geeky or childish it seems, in order to keep my depression under control.
Not all her family understand, or are willing to understand that, which is why I find time with those members of her family "Difficult".

We engage in a hobby which requires a level of approbation and appreciation which without some respect and understanding is easily dismissed. If someone comes from a family background which did not show appreciation or understanding of individual creative efforts, or even demeaned anything which wasn't of immediate or "practical" value then the base structures, the building blocks, of comprehension and respect for "artistic" endeavours aren't there.

Damn, but that sounded a bit preachy and psychoanalytical. Guess those management psychology courses have actually sunk in at last.

 

[Jamie Stokes]

Hmm, have to agree with both Denstore and Dragonsreach...... looking past the warm and fuzzies, both of you should be getting pre-marriage counseling, just to make sure you both are on the same page and heading in the same direction.

Good luck!

Jamie

 

[Pictish Mini Painting]

My GF (hopefully soon to be fiancé) is pretty good with it all, she knows I do a lot for competitions or paint armies to pay for stuff, like our trip to Barcelona next week (bit excited, she is!), but there are times when I get a bit antsy and she knows its because I am either stressed about work or haven't gotten any geeking done in a while.

However I am starting up a gaming club with some mates just now and she encouraged this but isn't so keen on getting back after 11pm on that day, but I'm not out much apart from that.

I have my painting desk set-up in the lounge facing into the room and she sits on the sofa reading, doing sewing or watching TV and as long as I come and sit with her for a wee while now and then she is happy.

I get a bit pissy sometimes but its only if I have a deadline or doing something fiddly that I need to become rather involved she can get a bit funny but its never angry or anything, we are still getting a feel for each other in the house as only lived together for a year this month, so its a fluid thing.

She actually told me to go play my xbox on Saturday as I hadn't in ages and she knew I needed a day to geek out.

After our holiday she is visiting parents in Liverpool so I get the flat to myself (Apart from the guinea pigs) so I can basically paint from dawn till dusk for golden demon

You just work around stuff, but the most important thing I can tell you is to TALK about it, be fair and explain, she is probably happy for you to do it, but explain it can be quite involving at times, but it is in no way an 'escape' from her, its just your hobby!

 

[SkelettetS]

Everything just turned depressive here.
Guess im happy to have an understandable wife (who also have a hobby of her own)

 

[chaos spawn]

Ok hands up married men of 7+ years couple of kids etc that would frankly fall of their painting chair if the wife came down in lingere and offered sex so that they'd stop painting eh?........sniff or am I the only one I know I'll wear crocs to bed tonight that'll get her in the mood

Me!

But next time she complains and asks me to stop painting/sculptin I will tell her to put on some lingerie and then come back and seduce me to stop

 

[AndyG]

Good luck mate! I know what my wife would say!

 

[yxalitis]

We had guests over for dinner last night, her friends, so I cleared and did the dishes etc while she chatted.
After they had gone, she told me to "do some painting, relax" while she finished up, and had a shower.
She came into the room wearing her towel...
"Oh, have you finished painting now...?"

 

[me_in_japan]

sorry, sorry - late to the party.

Hmm. married nearly 7 years now (anniversary on the 22nd...), dated about 3 years before that. I think there's a real danger of our hobby becoming a friction point in our relationships with our other halves. By its nature it can be quite exclusive (excluding?), as it requires a lot of focus to do properly. It can also come across as a bit arcane to someone who has no interest in fantasy or SF (or historicals. pick your genre.) My wife and I certainly had some long, sometimes unpleasant discussions about my painting and how it impinged on our time. But, as folks have said, if your fiancee resents your painting now, she's gonna resent it next year, too, and the one after that, and so on, until it becomes grounds for divorce. This is definitely something that needs to be discussed with her sooner rather than later. As with all discussion on contentious points, try and do it while both of you are feeling relaxed and as objective as possible. With me, I was able to talk it out with my wife by showing her that I got really stressed if I didnt paint. (This was achieved simply by not painting for about a month, getting twitchier and twitchier, and eventually smashing my Eldar Avatar with a claw hammer in pure frustration. This was so completely out of character for me that my wife finally realised how important it was for me to have "me" time.) I think that's something you could maybe say to your missus - painting is not about putting colours on plastic dudesmen. It's your processing time, the time when you chill out, maybe listen to music, think your deep thoughts and deal with the troubles of the day. Without it, those troubles have nowhere to go except inwards and deeper. The painting is a medium, not the end point. She should understand that everyone needs some time to themselves, and what they do with that time is their business, even in a relationship. Married does NOT equal spending all your time together.

It's important, however, to not just give your side of things. Tell her that of course you want to spend time with her, and make a point of doing so. Watch a movie (her choice), go for a drink, whatever. Do stuff she enjoys - you're just along for the ride. Earn some brownie points, and do so with goodwill. Be wary if she uses you as a source of entertainment. I mean teh kind of situation where you say "Right, I'm off to do some painting" and she responds with "but what am I supposed to do, then?" I got that a fair bit at first, as my wife has no real hobbies to speak of. You kinda have to use your judgement. Sometimes when youre stressed all you want is time to yourself in the man cave. But when she's stressed all she wants is to spend time watching TV with you beside her. You have to consider which of these de-stressers takes priority for you, because this situation will come up again and again throughout your married life.

Anyway - what all this boils down to is: This is actually an important issue that you and your fiancee need to resolve pre rather than post marriage. Talk about it. Work it out. If you can't, then I guess it's better to learn that now rather than later, no?

ps - interestingly, my painting caused way more friction when it was being done in sight of my wife. She felt more ignored when I was in the room but focussing on something else. Now I paint in a dedicated hobby room, and she's fine with that. Heck, she was fine with me having a hobby room put into the new house plans in the first place.

pps - do you game as well as paint? Because your missus may be more understanding of the social aspect of the hobby (everybody needs friends, right?)

 

[BloodFather of Kharnath]

Even though you're likely not reading this any longer, I'll provide a couple serious notes.

First, she probably says something about your hobby because you spend too much time on it. I know, I know, we are entitled to time. But for your spouse to mention it, you probably are like I can be, where you like try to spend quite a bit of your free time on it. There is no set time that is too much, but trust me when I say that it's too much. As someone who gets addicted to things very easy , I can tell you that we find ways to rationalize our actions and make enemies of those that love us the most. How flattered would you be BEFORE you started dating this girl if you knew how much time she wanted to spend with you? Never take that for granted.

My my time with my wife is precious. I've had to spend years apart from her, fighting overseas. You don't realize how foolish you were by painting you miniatures instead of going on a walk with her. I immediately regretted every opportunity I could have had beside my wife the moment my boots hit the ground in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Just keep that in mind.

 

[Zab]

Some really great advice above. I've never had anything but support from the wife (married 8 years and 1 kid so far) and even this kid has gotten into it. Last night we had another daddy/daughter paint session. Show her it's an art not a hobby. If you have an air brush teach her how to stencil and use it for interior decorating (though there may be some scheduling conflicts once that is done). I have to do anything the least bit paint or hobby related around the house because she knows that my annoying attention to detail is a boon when painting a room or repairing drywall or tiling a backsplash - she likes to do those things too, but appreciates my discerning artist's eye and honest opinion. Show her it is more than just a stupid hobby and adds value to everything you do as well. Figure it out before you say I do. Dialogue everyday, never go to bed angry with each other.

 

[Amazon warrior]

If she needs a hobby of her own, I can highly recommend patchwork and quilting. Beware, however, that it can be extremely addictive and easily rivals mini painting in terms of expenditure! (Take it from someone who does both...)

Sometimes I wish I could donate hobbies to other people, I have far more than is honestly sensible.

 

[KruleBear]

I second the notion that you need to resolve the issue BEFORE you get married. Pre-marriage is all rose colored glasses, so if it is a problem now it will only get worse if not addressed.

As for hobbies my wife is not artistic, but is trying. She started going to a pttery class where the paint/glaze pottery to a theme and occasionaly does a wine and paint class (the instructor walks them through a painting while they socialize). Both of these have a common thread which is the social aspects she craves with her friends and it helpsher to appreciate artistic endeavors.

 

[yxalitis]

Hmm, why does everyone suggest patchwork, quilting, embroidery etc as hobbies for the better half?
Seems a tad..sexist?

 

[Wombat85]

Another thing you can do is paint something just for her. Dont do this as a gift, at this point that would be bad, do it just becuase you were thinking of her. This will tie your time painting as a positive thing to her, you havent escaped from her, you have shown she is still in your thoughts even though you are painting. There are a lot of amazing mini's perfect for the wife. My wife loves dogs so I painted Zoe for her:

https://www.coolminiornot.com/shop/zoe-the-golden-ranger-golden-retriever-1.html

We have a golden and another dog that is named zoe, so this got me in the good books.

 

[Dragonsreach]

Hmm, why does everyone suggest patchwork, quilting, embroidery etc as hobbies for the better half?
Seems a tad..sexist?

I agree in principle, but "most" women have a more practical approach and attitude to life so it's an easy trap to fall into to paint women as the home builder.

 

[Amazon warrior]

Hmm, why does everyone suggest patchwork, quilting, embroidery etc as hobbies for the better half?
Seems a tad..sexist?

I *AM* a woman. :/ I play computer games, I paint minis, I sew. I also like travel, cooking and hiking, and I dabble in beading. For me, my creative hobbies are about me employing skills like focus, attention to detail, precision, and creative decisions to create something I find attractive, beyond that I don't much differentiate between them. *shrug* I have a very heterosexual male friend (with three kids) who also sews. (It was completely hilarious to watch the reactions of the staff in John Lewis when I went with him and his two daughters when he wanted to buy a new sewing machine.) I don't see any problem with this. I think it's only sexist if you let it be. Men were, while certainly not a majority, nonetheless definitely present at a quilt show I attended recently. Plus, while I love my minis, my quilts are *much* nicer to share a bed with!

 

[ten ball]

I *AM* a woman..........

A Woman!, Nobody told me women were aloud on the site? *walks out of the forum, softly closes door*

he he

 

[Amazon warrior]

A Woman!, Nobody told me women were aloud on the site? *walks out of the forum, softly closes door*

he he

Aloud and proud!

 

[ten ball]

I just had to post this lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w

:wasntme: