Not sure how to go about this or what exactly to do...

[redarmy27]

Hey everyone,

Almost a year ago I announced on here that I got engaged to the girl I had been dating for a few years. As of recently, I discovered some things about our relationship and the relationship has since fallen apart. While our relationship was not the fairytale perfect one seen in movies or in books, I did try my hardest to be the best boyfriend->fiance I could be.

Now it\'s gone. I\'m not sure how to approach my current situation. I had been prepping my life for my next big step which would have been sometime this coming January. I\'m at a loss. She\'s moved on already and I\'m just sitting here still in shock by the whole thing.

I\'ve lost interest in many of my hobbies and past time, well except painting. I no longer like to play Warhammer, but I still paint. Paintball is on the decline and I really can\'t get myself out the door to run anymore or to lift weights. I feel pretty disconnected from my friends and family, although they\'re trying their best to be there for me.

Anyone else been through anything remotely similar to this? I hate feeling like this, but it\'s as if I\'m in a rut.

Not really sure how to go about doing this,

Jake

 

[Tsinatas]

I\'m sorry to hear that, but as someone who has been there, done that, I can tell you that it will get better. Yes, it hurts an incredible amount at first, but sitting around doing nothing and being depressed will only make the pain last longer. Do something to take your mind off it, go out with some friends and have a good time. Go for a run, lift some weights, go to the gym and hit on some ladies
I think the physical exercise stuff would be good for getting rid of some of the stress you might have related to this.

 

[airhead]

If this lingers on, see a doctor or counselor for your depression.

Some depression is normal at this stage.

The best thing is to get up and move. If the old hobbies are dragging up memories and no longer appealing, then find some new hobbies.

Losing a relationship is much like losing a person. The grief stages are the same and you are almost to the point of coming through it. Just don\'t linger on it without help.

 

[Cleezy]

Hey fella the worst thing you can do is think your in a rut, do everything to be out of the rut.

When I split with my ex I was in the dumps majorly, for a while I thought nothing could get good. I got drinking a little but luckily I had a few people who dragged me out of my slump.

I would just get back to what you enjoy doing, you probably dont wana do these as it is what you did when together. But its key for you to do what you want to so you dont look at what she is doing an think im here stuck and she is doing everything thats great.

Just to look when I split, the girl had a new partner was going on holidays, doing good things, I really felt like I had lost it all. So I just tried to ignore what she did and did my own things, picked up a few new hobbies. And after a while I found that life seemed a lot sweeter and like I had a lot more control of what I wanted.

Its so cliche but time is a healer, and it will take time for you to get over it. You would be inhuman if you didnt feel like shit, but the worst is not getting on with life. People come and go at all times, this period will show you who are there for you, like occultist said see some friends, see em have a good time or even a cry they will be there to make you feel better.

Just try your best to keep some sort of routine and concentrate on you not her.

All the best

 

[Master of fact]

Sorry to hear that. Your family and friends are there for you, try not to push them away. Get out with your mates, brother or sister, go for a meal go out and have fun. Just do it, no excuses.

Im not going to read in to your situation but it doesnt sound like you have a guilty conscience. As my dad said to me when i split with my first (ahh to be 16 again) the best way to get over a girl is to get under one, as horrible as it sounds he was right.

Gd luck and im pretty sure you will pull through. :beer:

 

[freakinacage]

i find i have to force myself to go out and socialize. same for exercise. after a while you get back into it and start craving it

 

[redarmy27]

Thanks for the replies .

I\'m not out for sympathy or anything, in fact I\'m getting a little overwhelmed by it from my friends and family. I just find myself wanting to be away from people more and more. I guess it\'s just that it feels like something is missing, you know? It\'s a void.

I think the worst of it is that my tonsils have been messed up for a quite a while, which is never good for a distance runner. Normally I\'m able to crank out a good 16-18 miles in a go, but since my infection I can only get out about 6 so I have a ton of energy built up.

I think I may go out and try some new stuff. I\'ve always been afraid of heights, so I may try rock wall climbing. I\'m also pushing harder on my painting so that\'s keeping me busy.

All in all, I don\'t know how I feel about relationships much anymore. I know it\'ll get better with time, but it\'s just a love/hate thing. It\'s just weird being alone after all of this, I do have my cat, but he can only respond so much to conversations (aside from trying to drink out of my painting water cup).

 

[exilesjjb]

If you are not good with heights but want a go at rock climbing get to your local wall and ask about bouldering it gives you the work out without having to get to high, also it can be a mega social thing google ben moon or just bouldering. Give it a go I had a blast with it for a few years till bad health stopped me.
As for you feeling in a runt it will pass

 

[freakinacage]

i would second bouldering. great fun. good for improving your technique. and no heights! (although i don;t mind heights)

 

[darklord]

i suffer from depression and it can be hard sometimes but i try and get out on the mountain bike - the exercise releases endorphines which will make you feel better. stick on your mp3 and its amazing how much it clears your mind.
i always feel better for going.
stick with it - youlll get through

 

[Einion]

Originally posted by redarmy27
She\'s moved on already and I\'m just sitting here still in shock by the whole thing.

I\'ve lost interest in many of my hobbies and past time, well except painting. I no longer like to play Warhammer, but I still paint. Paintball is on the decline and I really can\'t get myself out the door to run anymore or to lift weights. I feel pretty disconnected from my friends and family, although they\'re trying their best to be there for me.

These are classic symptoms of depression (as in with a capital D). It\'s perfectly normal to feel this way and while we can assure you it\'ll pass this doesn\'t necessarily help you to feel better. Pretty much nothing does, and the harder people try the less it helps often!

As they say, time heals all wounds. You will feel better, you can be sure of that.

If I can offer one piece of advice it\'s to do your best to exercise once or twice a week. Even if you don\'t do it initially at the levels you used to this will make you feel better physiologically, where psychologically you can\'t necessarily \"buck yourself up\" it\'ll happen naturally as a consequence of the exertion. The worst thing to do - no matter how good it feels! - is to sit and stew, thinking about it endlessly; that\'s how some people stay Depressed for months, even years.

Einion

 

[QuietiManes]

This will probably come across fairly harsh, so please understand I say these things with the best of intentions.

The main thing is, you aren\'t special or unique (although I\'m sure you are a delightful individual). EVERYONE goes through this, at least a few times in their life. Get used to it. That\'s mean but it\'s true. What I\'m saying is, perhaps a nicer way would be to say, everyone knows exactly what you are going through. You just need to learn to DEAL with your sadness. Like you deal with your anger, happiness, etc. Like any emotion.

I think calling you depressed is wrong. Very wrong. You have a legitimate reason to feel angst, woe, heartache. You SHOULD feel bad right now. Getting to my point, you should continue to feel bad, again, deal with it. I know, what an ass am I, right? I\'m just being realistic. Everyone has to learn to deal with their problems and setbacks without prescription narcotics at the first sign of plight (I\'m not suggesting your situation is minor, more just a snide remark against the over-medication of modern society).

As for distancing oneself from other humans, everyone deals with difficulties differently. Some people need to be surrounded by friends and psychiatrists, others need a little solitude to ponder the big stuff. You\'ll have to figure out what you are and if you need to find someone to talk to. Personally, I\'m not for or against it, I just don\'t think it\'s such a big warning sign when someone doesn\'t want to spill their guts 24/7. So if you need alone time, then you shouldn\'t feel pressured to socialize.

Things like gaming and painting give you lots of time to sit around and think. It\'s hard to engage your brain and force it to stop thinking about the negatives. Paint ball, I don\'t know how that doesn\'t help you, seems like the perfect thing. But as others have suggested, finding something to keep your mind occupied is a good idea. I also like to avoid people when I have to work through something, until I\'m more personable and approachable I\'ll watch comedies and graphic/violent shows. At first they help very little, if at all, but eventually, you\'ll forget and laugh a bit...then more and more.

Understand there is a \"flow\" to these things. It will take a certain amount of time before you are strait again. It goes faster once you find out how you work. Drugs, alcohol, hookers and strippers are not recommended, but they \"work\" for some. I say \"work\" in quotations because the solution isn\'t the best \"long term\" result for many. Chocolate, pop rocks and mountain dew might help too. Myself, I like to hit and break things, I lay a beating on some furniture at the dump or the punching bag and it helps. I don\'t suggest starting this since it does promote the \"violent response\" and it just gets harder and harder, so smarter people would talk to a shrink or have a laugh with friends, I think.

The brain is a funny thing, you only have so much control over it. Far less than you\'d think. Luckily it usually sorts itself out soon enough.

 

[Dragonsreach]

Originally posted by QuietiManes
This will probably come across fairly harsh, so please understand I say these things with the best of intentions.
I understand that but..............

I think calling you depressed is wrong.
Unfortunatley You are wrong. What redarmy is describing are classic symptoms of Depression, I know because I speak from 40 years of experience of dealing with it.
Fortunatley for me I know the symptoms and paterning of how it affects me and can deal with it accordingly. For me there are several types;
Cyclic, when my body\'s rythym hits a trough,
Conditional,when I\'m overtired, overworked and have too much still to do.
Triggered when something outside of my control happens which starts a downward spiral.
Redarmy has indicated that he is in a similar state to the latter condition I have described, it also sounds similar to a grief reaction, which in essense is how your mind is reacting.
I don\'t have an instant cure, I wish I did, but what helps me is \'breaking\' from the immediate environment (work./house etc) and going somewhere, anywhere doesn\'t matter if its just out into town and to your local Starbucks (or equivalent), or out for a walk. Just get out.
if you can be around people laughing and joking on it become infectious and can start the relief pattern.
Or do some heavy physical labour, you got a neighbour needs help building something, go lend a hand. The endomorphin release from the exercise and the psychological realisation that you help to make something help enormously.
Now I have to stress that I am not a trained psycologist, but these are the things that help me cope and counter my depressive bouts.


The brain is a funny thing, you only have so much control over it. Far less than you\'d think. Luckily it usually sorts itself out soon enough.
No it doesn\'t.
Depression can become a self fueling downward spiral. Realising that you are the person with a problem is the first thing to dealing with it. Doesn\'t matter if the help in dealing with it comes from self realisation or external stimulation in the form of a friend or Doctor, but it has to be faced and admitted, to be dealt with.
Depression isn\'t a crime, but too many people see it as a \"social stigma\" instead of a normal mental state that has become entrenched and needing to be dealt with.

 

[mattsterbenz]

I believe everything happens for a reason. Whatever doesn\'t kill us makes us stronger. Learn from this experience. Grow from it. A little time can mend a lot of things. Feeling disconnected will happen, give yourself some space if you need it.

When I\'m in a rut I look towards music. Its my way of letting everything loose. I know that no matter what my day brings, there\'s always a few guitars in the corner waiting to get played.

Take care buddy. You\'ve got my email if you need someone to talk to.

-Matt

 

[alextheartist]

Like Matt said, when I am down I always bash out some tunes on the drums...

 

[BPI]

That\'s a toughy mate, sorry life\'s turned wobbly for you but it\'ll pick up. If you manage not to spend the next 2 years drinking/homeless/a mess then you\'re doing better than me (some moons ago). The fact that you recognise you\'re feeling crumby & are prepared to talk/type to relative strangers is a great thing, hiding at home pretending to all others that you\'re fine is by far the more damaging course of action. Recognise your triggers & implement new routines to distract from them: eg, if you catch yourself slumped on the sofa in front of mind-numbing televisual bilge & you finally think \"good grief, I\'ve just spent the last 3 hours thinking about miserable crap (insert name here!)\" then get up & walk round the block. Next time you might catch yourself after 2 hours! Good luck, B.

 

[artfreakydude]

I\'m no expert on the topic as I\'ve only been out of college for a year, but I assume that in your preparation for the next step, you were preparing yourself financially as well. Well now that you\'re a bachlor again, go ahead and treat yourself! You can probably get a good deal on a cruise towards the end of the summer! Never been skydiving before?

I\'m sure you can be pretty creative about it, but if your activity is something unique, it can be quite motivating to get out of the house for a bit.

Best of luck man:beer: