Because everybody ought to have a good laugh at my expense....
It began with a phone call, seeking employment. I was told I could go in any time up until 7:00 pm to fill in an application. Not wanting to go in looking like a total schlub, I showered, shaved, and proceeded to ATTEMPT to get dressed in a presentable manner.
This proved problematic, as, having been excessively lazy in recent months, I discovered that I no longer fit into most of my wardrobe that goes below the waist and on the outer layer.
Much complaining ensued regarding my weight, and how I have to \'suck it in\' even to fit into my \'fat pants\'.
Needless to say, my diet will be resuming in force over the coming weeks and months....
After trying on no less than 7 pairs of pants, getting a cramp in my lower back from sucking in my gut so hard, and generally bitching about clothing in general, I managed to make myself presentable in my \'fat pants\' and a white denim shirt. All is well. I collect my resume, bus tokens, some loose change, and set out... as far as the door.
It is raining, and said rain is freezing on the ground. Sleet, if you wish. So... back down for an umbrella.
Met by Kris (my wife) at the door. \"What did you forget?\" \"Umbrella.\" I collect the umbrella, and out I go, Kris coming along for a smoke. I open the umbrella, which folds into a really compact, almost pocket-sized thing, and discover that at some point, it has been stepped on. It doesn\'t quite open properly.
As there are no other umbrellas, it will have to do. Off I go....\'
I get as far as the first corner, where, to avoid a large and deep puddle, I step onto the grass, and then onto the sidewalk. Two steps along the sidewalk, the world suddenly inverts itself in my perception. As they say... falling isn\'t so bad -- it\'s the sudden stop at the bottom that hurts.
So, I\'m laying on the ground, trying to figure out just exactly how I slipped. This is a rare thing for me. I almost never fall over on ice. So, I\'m a bit irked about that.
Then the questions start coming to my mind, in that disjointed way that they do when something completely stupid has just happened... \"Why the hell do people hold on to objects that can\'t possibly help them when they\'re falling?\" \"Why did I hold onto the umbrella? Did I think it would slow me down like a cartoon?\"
These questions are coming to my mind whilst I\'m laying on my side in a puddle of icy water, and part of me is also thinking that the cold will help prevent any swelling that might occur...\'
To add insult to injury, whilst laying in a puddle on the ground, after a sudden, gravity-induced need to take a nap or something... Cars are driving by, slowing down, and the third such vehicle actually comes to a stop. Ah, a samaritan, I think to myself. No doubt stopping to ask if I\'m all right, and perhaps assist me.
Nope. From the car window, a young man\'s voice calls out: \"Suckerrrrr!\" Then he drives away again.
Finally, I cast the umbrella away, in that way that lays the entirety of the blame for the incident on the umbrella, hurling it with all my strength... which still doesn\'t make it go very far, because, despite the handle having been bent into a \'U\' shape around my hand, it is still open... so, it\'s really an ineffective gesture, hurling an open umbrella into the wind... it just blew back at me.
Finally, I dragged myself back to my feet, muttering curses and imprecations against umbrellas and pants in general, and MY umbrella and pants in particular, and hobbled my way home.
It began with a phone call, seeking employment. I was told I could go in any time up until 7:00 pm to fill in an application. Not wanting to go in looking like a total schlub, I showered, shaved, and proceeded to ATTEMPT to get dressed in a presentable manner.
This proved problematic, as, having been excessively lazy in recent months, I discovered that I no longer fit into most of my wardrobe that goes below the waist and on the outer layer.
Much complaining ensued regarding my weight, and how I have to \'suck it in\' even to fit into my \'fat pants\'.
Needless to say, my diet will be resuming in force over the coming weeks and months....
After trying on no less than 7 pairs of pants, getting a cramp in my lower back from sucking in my gut so hard, and generally bitching about clothing in general, I managed to make myself presentable in my \'fat pants\' and a white denim shirt. All is well. I collect my resume, bus tokens, some loose change, and set out... as far as the door.
It is raining, and said rain is freezing on the ground. Sleet, if you wish. So... back down for an umbrella.
Met by Kris (my wife) at the door. \"What did you forget?\" \"Umbrella.\" I collect the umbrella, and out I go, Kris coming along for a smoke. I open the umbrella, which folds into a really compact, almost pocket-sized thing, and discover that at some point, it has been stepped on. It doesn\'t quite open properly.
As there are no other umbrellas, it will have to do. Off I go....\'
I get as far as the first corner, where, to avoid a large and deep puddle, I step onto the grass, and then onto the sidewalk. Two steps along the sidewalk, the world suddenly inverts itself in my perception. As they say... falling isn\'t so bad -- it\'s the sudden stop at the bottom that hurts.
So, I\'m laying on the ground, trying to figure out just exactly how I slipped. This is a rare thing for me. I almost never fall over on ice. So, I\'m a bit irked about that.
Then the questions start coming to my mind, in that disjointed way that they do when something completely stupid has just happened... \"Why the hell do people hold on to objects that can\'t possibly help them when they\'re falling?\" \"Why did I hold onto the umbrella? Did I think it would slow me down like a cartoon?\"
These questions are coming to my mind whilst I\'m laying on my side in a puddle of icy water, and part of me is also thinking that the cold will help prevent any swelling that might occur...\'
To add insult to injury, whilst laying in a puddle on the ground, after a sudden, gravity-induced need to take a nap or something... Cars are driving by, slowing down, and the third such vehicle actually comes to a stop. Ah, a samaritan, I think to myself. No doubt stopping to ask if I\'m all right, and perhaps assist me.
Nope. From the car window, a young man\'s voice calls out: \"Suckerrrrr!\" Then he drives away again.
Finally, I cast the umbrella away, in that way that lays the entirety of the blame for the incident on the umbrella, hurling it with all my strength... which still doesn\'t make it go very far, because, despite the handle having been bent into a \'U\' shape around my hand, it is still open... so, it\'s really an ineffective gesture, hurling an open umbrella into the wind... it just blew back at me.
Finally, I dragged myself back to my feet, muttering curses and imprecations against umbrellas and pants in general, and MY umbrella and pants in particular, and hobbled my way home.
