Tales from the Freak Bar..3
- Thread starter wiccanpony
- Start date
Roger Bunting
New member
Oh, I got the first two tables correct. Yay me!
Only got TAB and Donna correct on the third, although I did have a guess that one of the other two was Red Dawn.
Meg\'s is based upon her profile pic, isn\'t it?
Only got TAB and Donna correct on the third, although I did have a guess that one of the other two was Red Dawn.
Meg\'s is based upon her profile pic, isn\'t it?
Torn blue sky
New member
I reckon so Rodger. I need a monday morning cure... Shot of Jaeger Bubba, and leave the bottle on the bar...cheers.
Although since the wedding announcement i\'m filled with a whistfull optimism... Which can\'t be bad at all! We need to sort out the mancave for the stag do.
The virgins can come, but only if they tidy up. Chances that 70 virgins will leave are slim...very slim. I\'ll try and keep the lads in line
I might lock billy in a closet ...
Although since the wedding announcement i\'m filled with a whistfull optimism... Which can\'t be bad at all! We need to sort out the mancave for the stag do.
The virgins can come, but only if they tidy up. Chances that 70 virgins will leave are slim...very slim. I\'ll try and keep the lads in line
I might lock billy in a closet ...
JesterzUSMC
Recovering Megalomaniac
ROAR!!!:cussing::cussing::cussing::cussing::cussing::cussing:
It is NOT AMWAY!!
It isn\'t even MLM!!!
I am so tired of hearing that that if I am doing a presentation and someone asks that, I kick them out! It wastes time, and energy explaining what amway is/was and what people THINK it was.
It is NOT AMWAY!!
It isn\'t even MLM!!!
I am so tired of hearing that that if I am doing a presentation and someone asks that, I kick them out! It wastes time, and energy explaining what amway is/was and what people THINK it was.
AinuLainour
New member
But.. you\'ve been gone for so long
I must\'ve forgotten!
Anyway, good to see you back doing toons.
Torn blue sky
New member
lol Calm the beans man!
Here :beer: passify yerself for a while.
wiccanpony
Official Freak Bar Witch
:twisted: first a warning.....don\'t read if BMs turn your tummy.....yes Virginia, I hang with strange people who e-mail all the latest nasty jokes :twisted:
Taking a Dump
I\'m sure that upon reading this, you\'ll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven\'t you need more fiber.....
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It\'s rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper\'s tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn\'t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle\'s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like \"a Japanese Flag\".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you\'ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask \"where are the curtains?\" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every \"empty roll dumper \" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you\'ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming \"Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!\" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you\'ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You\'ve finished but there\'s one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn\'t enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you\'ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don\'t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
Taking a Dump
I\'m sure that upon reading this, you\'ll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven\'t you need more fiber.....
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It\'s rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper\'s tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn\'t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle\'s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like \"a Japanese Flag\".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you\'ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask \"where are the curtains?\" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every \"empty roll dumper \" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you\'ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming \"Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!\" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you\'ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You\'ve finished but there\'s one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn\'t enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you\'ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don\'t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
Roger Bunting
New member
I\'m not sure what you meant by BM, so I read on. Thankfully it wasn\'t stomach-churning. The things people tell you, Donna.
Where\'s Liz? She\'s not been on here since she went to watch the archery.
Where\'s Liz? She\'s not been on here since she went to watch the archery.
wiccanpony
Official Freak Bar Witch
LOL........ BM is polite for bowel movement ...my dad could never say dump or words to that effect, it was always BM
I think Liz’s work has her chained down to her desk and ear jack. we must gather a team of crack CMON infiltrators to come to the rescue.
maybe I should check with the local ER\'s to see if a cussinng blonde with an arrow in her has shown up???
I think Liz’s work has her chained down to her desk and ear jack. we must gather a team of crack CMON infiltrators to come to the rescue.
maybe I should check with the local ER\'s to see if a cussinng blonde with an arrow in her has shown up???
Torn blue sky
New member
\"The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you\'ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming \"Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!\" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you\'ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.\"
I didn\'t nod my head in agreement , but it cracked me RIGHT the f**k up! lol lol lol
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you\'ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming \"Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!\" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you\'ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.\"
I didn\'t nod my head in agreement , but it cracked me RIGHT the f**k up! lol lol lol
Roger Bunting
New member
As long as she was standing or sitting somehwre behind the archers then she should be ok. Whatever you do, do not hide behind the target. Someone did that when I took the dartboard (which was attached to a bigger plywood board) outside. The board one side of the road, me chucking the arrers from the other side. I had to adjust the flight on the dart so I was looking away. The other kid obviously decided to hide. I couldn\'t see him so continued to throw. The dart went over the plywood board and then I heard a scream from behind it. I rushed ober to see the kid with a hole just above his knee where the dart has landed.
wiccanpony
Official Freak Bar Witch
I took a semester of archery in collage, liked it but had a hell of a time pulling a 25 pound bow.....we would all line up and shot at our targets then have to wait until the “safety spotter” blew the whistle that it was safe to get the arrows.
We had one guy who pulled over 60 pounds and his arrows always went through the target and out into the field
Then we sometimes had the “grenade arrow,” where the kid pulling back so much the arrow became wedged between the bow string and the shaft of the bow....then our teacher would race like a mad thing to grab the arrow before it killed someone in the line.
Roger Bunting
New member
Hmm, that grenade arrow sounds like the arrow was too short. Maybe the bow was too long as well. I\'ve been looking up archery locally and the first things they teach is about getting the correct size gear. You measure the distance from your outsretched bow hand to where you\'d pull the string back, which is to the corner of your mouth. For me that\'s about 29\" which means the correct bow size is 68\" (I\'m talking recurve bows, compound would be a whole different kettle of fish). The arrow, for safety reasons should be about 2\" longer than your draw length so that would be 31\" for me. That\'s so you avoid the greanade arrow thing. It also sounds like you needed thicker targets for that 60lb bow. If you think that\'s a lot, the longbows from the 15th century would be between 90-120 lbs.
lizcam
New member
I\'m here Roger darling. Wen was sick so we didn\'t get to go shooting but the boys spent the day at a computer arcade playing online games all day long for next to nothing ($15.00 and you can play from open to close with free popcorn throen into the bargin). Wen and I just sat around and solved the worlds problems.
I ahven\'t been around much lately because between work and being the only person in the house with a valid driver\'s liscences I\'m on my ass doing something for someone else almost 24-7. I\'ve put my foot down on the driving thing though and Alex will have his liscence soon so that will free up my time. I miss you guy!
Roger Bunting
New member
Well, you may not have risked getting hit by arrows, but I think it wouldn\'t hurt for me to check and make sure there aren\'t any wounds.
Oh my!
Hubby\'s bow has a 90 lb draw on it. I can\'t pull it all the way to my left shoulder. The kids in his hunters ed classes all have a good time trying to see if anybody can draw it. He has to be really careful where he practices and what he uses for a target, though. He\'s lost arrows in the sides of the barn before. I bought him a self healing target block, but the arrows still get wedged in pretty tight there.
Hubby\'s bow has a 90 lb draw on it. I can\'t pull it all the way to my left shoulder. The kids in his hunters ed classes all have a good time trying to see if anybody can draw it. He has to be really careful where he practices and what he uses for a target, though. He\'s lost arrows in the sides of the barn before. I bought him a self healing target block, but the arrows still get wedged in pretty tight there.
uberdark\'s weekly monday romp
he goes running down the hall
feeling his ........ball
a breast pump with chewy squirrels
shoots forth and flags unfurrel
wiccanpony cries in shame
lizcam moans her little game
and undave cries for his mommy
as airhead pats his tummy
good night all.
he goes running down the hall
feeling his ........ball
a breast pump with chewy squirrels
shoots forth and flags unfurrel
wiccanpony cries in shame
lizcam moans her little game
and undave cries for his mommy
as airhead pats his tummy
good night all.
