Tales from the Freak Bar..5
- Thread starter wiccanpony
- Start date
Originally posted by lizcam
Wen and I are going to go see Wiccanpony tomorrow. Maybe you should come over too. We can\'t make a movie for you without action scenes.
Wait............that would be an instructional video on basement behavior.
never mind.
When i read \"We can\'t make a movie for you without action scenes\" for the first time it i read it as adult rather than action
Roger Bunting
New member
@Undave
The cannon itself wasn\'t much of a problem, it\'s getting the engineer to fit that is. He\'s got a lever that\'s supposed to connect to the cannon but to get him to be able to do that he needs to be moved forwards on the side platform, only the platform isn\'t wide enough for that. I\'ve had a look through the gallery at others who have painted one and it seems others have had problems with it, too.
The cannon itself wasn\'t much of a problem, it\'s getting the engineer to fit that is. He\'s got a lever that\'s supposed to connect to the cannon but to get him to be able to do that he needs to be moved forwards on the side platform, only the platform isn\'t wide enough for that. I\'ve had a look through the gallery at others who have painted one and it seems others have had problems with it, too.
War Griffon
New member
Message from the Queen to the United States.
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up \'revocation\' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter \'U\' will be reinstated in words such as \'colour\', \'favour\', \'labour\' and \'neighbour.\' Likewise, you will learn to spell \'doughnut\' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix \'-ize\' will be replaced by the suffix \'-ise\'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up \'vocabulary\').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as \'like\' and \'you know\' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter \'u\' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you\'re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can\'t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you\'re not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-F rozen Gnat\'s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in \'Four Weddings and a Funeral\' was an experience akin to having one\'s ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don\'t try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It\'s been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty\'s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up \'revocation\' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter \'U\' will be reinstated in words such as \'colour\', \'favour\', \'labour\' and \'neighbour.\' Likewise, you will learn to spell \'doughnut\' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix \'-ize\' will be replaced by the suffix \'-ise\'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up \'vocabulary\').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as \'like\' and \'you know\' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter \'u\' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you\'re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can\'t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you\'re not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-F rozen Gnat\'s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in \'Four Weddings and a Funeral\' was an experience akin to having one\'s ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don\'t try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It\'s been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty\'s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)
Roger Bunting
New member
I thought Billy was the queen?
War Griffon
New member
Bubba can we please have the photo of the queen above the fire place in the coffin dodgers lounge please?
That way when we brits feel patriotic we can raise a glass and toast her.
God Bless Her.
That way when we brits feel patriotic we can raise a glass and toast her.
God Bless Her.
squig hunter
New member
That\'s what we have the 5th of November for auld bean, \'tis most jolly good indeed
Squig
Since when does anyone in the UK actually use metric out of choice? I only ever use it when it\'s convenient i.e. when the thing I\'m trying to measure is shorter than an inch. All the road signs are still done in miles, take that Brussels
Also having fireworks in a month when it gets dark late is a very silly idea. Do it at a time of year when it gets dark about 5 in the evening like we do.
Also having fireworks in a month when it gets dark late is a very silly idea. Do it at a time of year when it gets dark about 5 in the evening like we do.
Only if we can have a portrait of \"The King\" (Elvis for you heathens) next to her. We gotta have somtin to salute too.Originally posted by War Griffon
Bubba can we please have the photo of the queen above the fire place in the coffin dodgers lounge please?
That way when we brits feel patriotic we can raise a glass and toast her.
God Bless Her.
Roger Bunting
New member
Don\'t panic but the SoCal trio are all in the same place, at the same time.
*puts on crash helmet, life jacket and sits in a faraday cage*
*puts on crash helmet, life jacket and sits in a faraday cage*
War Griffon
New member
Damn it who is letting these critters in here, I have just spotted this coming out of the basement.
I think Liz & Donna are breeding them down their as standins to tourment the mop boys.
I think Liz & Donna are breeding them down their as standins to tourment the mop boys.
squig hunter
New member
So that\'s what that was, I was really starting to wonder. Damn blindfold
Squig
Squig
wiccanpony
Official Freak Bar Witch
:innocent: oh ye of little faith.......... and we talked about CMON inmates in great detail:twisted:lol
