Well this is it...

[matty1001]

I don\'t know why im even sharing this with everyone but.....

....i feel down. My granny has inoperable cancer, im in debt with the banks who decide to charg £30 every time you go £1 over debt and my mother is an alchoholic and has run up huge unpayable debts, i cant even find a reason to go to college on a morning and make up excuses why im not there and im even crying writing this thread....

Maybe its because iv had a drink and just feel crap about everything but its like this everyday...there comes cheery matthew always full of life, cash on the hip a smile on his pocket and money in his mouth....but it ain\'t like that, its crap, i get up and cannot be bothered to get up on a morning, whats the point. Just utter shite.

The only thing that makes me feel good is Laura and painting, perhaps that why i bought her an xmas prexxy because i felt guilty and over £40 on paint brushes, il never know. But that only gets me in more debt with the bank thats \'takes off more\' NOT \'gives you more\'
Sorry about this but telling my internet family is as good as telling my a pshchiatik (whowever you spell it!) im down, and need something to lift me, hopefully you lot can be
them,.


cheers
P.S
DR, Vikey, Finn . if this isn\'t \'right\' just delete the thread, it\'s alright il understand.

 

[AinuLainour]

I know what you\'re going through, and it sucks.

For your granny, spend as much time with her as you can, talk to her about her life and tell her about yours. Share your feelings and reflect on the times you\'ve spent with her.

As ridiculous as the banks are (and what they demand for 1 pound), I would suggest not trying to spend your money for a while, you might be surprised by how much you can accumulate in two weeks to a month.

I have no experience, with the third issue unfortunately, but AA is definetly an option. It is a touchy subject, and I hope someone else here can help you out better than I can.

Sometimes a day off can do one good, maybe pick up the paintbrush and put on an album you like. This can be relaxing in itself and can help to clear your mind.

Your a friend to all us, Matty. Hang in there buddy, this will all come to pass,

Ian

 

[Ogrebane]

Sometimes life is like that matty. And sometimes we have to take the little things we can to make it thru the day. I think most of us have days that are utter shite and we go thru the whats the use of getting out of bed. But we find a reason and move on. And eventually something good comes along and things turn around and it does seem worth while.

Sorry about your troubles Matty. I would also tell you to spend what time you can with your gran and try to remember her as best you can.

And money always seems like a huge prob but eventually you can sort that too. if your real hurt PM me and I\'ll see if I can help you there as well.

half the problem I think is that we try to go thru stuff by ourselves and that jusrt doesnt work. You\'ve taken a big step in sharing your prob and the one thing I know about CMON is they will rally to help one of thier ow. And dont be amazed when i say that YOU are one of us.

Keep it together and you\'ll find a reason. Wishing things get better for you.

 

[DrEvilmonki]

This is a really hard thread to reply to Matty because I don\'t know just how depressed you are. I have had periods of depression in my own life and I lost a very close cousin who went into a deep spiral and very needlessly (and painfully for everyone who loved him) killed himself.

Mate a lot of what is happening to you is REALLY shitty. There ARE however things that you can do to help, if not resolve what is happening then at least coping with the situation.
The first thing is to get help with your depression. I don\'t know the workings of your health system but you may find THIS site and THIS site helpful.

For money assistance check out THIS
and THIS

I don\'t know if you have had a shitty life or if this is just all piled on you all of a sudden. But either way you CAN change if not the situation at least how you feel and cope with it. It\'s not about chin up and pip pip, it\'s about making a determination that life is more important than the shitty things that occur in it.

As I said I have suffered from depression before and I found it an entirely debilitating disease, but I asked for help and I was able to change how I coped. Whatever you do don\'t accept feeling like you do because of a sense of pride.

If you want to PM me about ANYTHING do so, hell if you want me to ring you then PM your number (I am about 13 hours behind you time wise I think).

 

[Hinton]

That sucks, matty. It does seem like life piles on sometimes and then proceeds to kick you when you\'re down. I know that I struggle a lot sometimes, even with medication helping out. There are times when things are so bleak and the outlook is so dark that you really don\'t know what to do or how you can even go on.

Sometimes the best thing is to tackle problems one at time. Don\'t get overwhelmed (trust me, I know that it\'s much easier said than done) and try not to let little things get to you. Because the big problems won\'t be what breaks you; it\'ll be something small; almost insignificant.

It can really help to have some kind of support system (family, friends, etc), even if it\'s to simply tell you what you already know: things will get better.

I truly hope things get sorted out for you. We\'re here for you if you need us, matty.

 

[Amazon warrior]

I feel for you. Having an alcoholic parent is really tough. My father was one. He was also a heavy smoker with emphysema, and died after an unsuccessful lung transplant operation almost 2 years ago. It was shortly after one of the worst Christmases we\'d ever had in our family. He managed to get so drunk that we hid all the booze we could find (he had stashes) and called a doctor. The doctor told us we had to give him some alcohol as it would have been too dangerous for him to go \'cold turkey\'. That was one of the hardest things I\'ve ever had to do. I was furious with him for weeks afterwards. Then the next thing I knew he was in hospital. I spoke to him briefly on the phone before the op, but afterwards he was kept under deep sedation until he died 5 days later. We were there with him the whole time, but he wouldn\'t have known.

So I agree with what everyone else has said about spending plenty of time with your Gran. Better to spend that time now than live with questions and feelings you know you will never find an answer to. The same goes for your Mum. Try to keep communicating with her. It will be incredibly hard, but it may save your sanity in the long run knowing that you tried.

As for the other stuff, I\'m a bit crap with money too. The only thing I can suggest is that you go over *everything*- all the incomings and outgoings - and see if there are any places you can budget or save a bit. Horrible job, but could show you what you can change to improve your situation. Getting someone (Laura?) to help you with this might make it easier. Or see an advisor at the bank if you want a more impersonal approach. Right now, I\'m sure they\'re not your favourite people, but they are paid to try and help you, so you might as well make use of the service.

On the motivational front, try setting yourself an achievable goal every day. Doesn\'t have to be anything taxing or complex, but just something that means you have to put in a little effort, and when it\'s finished hopefully you feel like you did something. Having a plan can help a lot and it will give you something to focus on. Painting might be good for this. *hint, hint!*

You\'ve taken the first step, which is talking about it, and that in itself should help. Above all, don\'t imagine that you\'re alone- the people here will support you as much as they can, I think. My thoughts are with you, and I really hope you get through this tough time. Best wishes, AW

 

[Dragonsreach]

Matty, there\'s an old adage about a trouble shared, is a trouble halved.

Most of us at one time or another have encountered situations which drive us into depression and sometimes to the bitter abyss of despair. It\'s happened to me, and I have no doubt that there are many others on here who\'ve been to the same point and come back.

The thing is what can you do about them?
Lets take the issues one at a time:

Your grandmother, you wrote to me a while ago about this when I discussed my wife\'s chemo and I thoroughly understand the depression of watching someone suffer from this lousy disease.
If it is truely beyond treatment then you have my understanding and sympathy. Losing a loved one, even one you\'ve had differences with is hard. The only thing I can suggest is that you make the effort to spend as much time as you can with her. Both of you will benefit from it when the time comes to finally say goodbye.
I lost my mother a year ago, this week, and I was fortunate enough to know that we\'d left nothing unsaid between us. Although it still hurts like nothing else I\'ve ever been through, I take comfort in knowing how good and close our relationship was.

The bank is in fact the easiest of your problems. Make an appointment to see someone in your branch and ask for help in sorting out your finances. They have heard countless stories from outhers in similar situations and most banks aren\'t judgmental. (if they are, then when you clear your debt, leave them). They have specialists trained to help customers in exactly you postition, all you have to do is follow the plan they will help put together for you. It\'s in their best interest to do this as without you their customer they have no business.

Your mother is the hardest of the problems. You can\'t change her overnight. Only she can change and she\'ll have to be at the point where she wants to change.
You may well have to do the hardest and bravest thing you\'ll ever have to do in your life and that is to confront her.
It may be the only way you\'ll get through to her about how you feel about her drinking. You\'ll have to be hard and probably horrible in expressing how it\'s effecting you. It may be the only way.
Some people who are on an addictive pathway aren\'t able to see the harm they are causing to others and need a harsh wake up call before it becomes too late.
If you do get through to her, then you\'ll have to standby her and help. It\'s not an easy thing to say or do, but it is neccessary.

The last problem is the one that you\'ll be most reluctant to hear and that is your own health. Reading your original post you too need direct help. It\'s no good trying to talk to Laura alone in all this, no matter how lovely she is or how much she cares for you, YOU need professional help.
Make an appointment with your doctor and explain to her/him all the things you have said to us and ASK for their help. If it\'s recommending you to a counsellor accept that, it\'s a good way of helping you deal with and possibly overcome a really lousy state of mind.
Don\'t be afraid to ask for help.
And if letting go of some of the anguish on these forums helps then fine do that.

 

[noneedforaname]

dont know whether this will hlp or not but here is my two penneth worth.

14 months ago my father died from renal cell carcinoma. he was diagnosed as stage four in the march of 2004. I gave up Uni at the time to move back home to help care for him.

All i can say is do what you can for them regards there medical treatment (through taking part in drug trials with christies we managed to maintain by fathers life and keep his standard of life very high beyond his original prognosis) and just the day to day things to make there life that little bit easier, whether it be doing there shopping or looking after the bills etc. Also spend as much quality time with them as you can and make sure you talk about everything you want to with them before its too late.

When the worst happens you won\'t feel as though you could have done anymore which is a weight of your mind and you will be able to remember all the good times you had together without any regrets.

As for the money like everyone has said go see your bank manager and tell them exactly the situation you are in and they will outline everything they can do to help you. If it wasnt for my branches help i would have gone under as i was supporting myself and both parents aswell as paying of the mortage on there house and setting up financial support for my mothers retirement. They really can and will help you.

Unfortunately with alcoholism your mother will only seek help when she realises she has a problem. It is at that point you need to be there to support her with the changes she needs to make.

Seriously like dragonsreach go see a professional, you will find it easier to talk to someone you don\'t see in your everyday life and they will be able to help you.

And most importantly you need to take some time for yourself to help clear your head without other people interfering or putting more pressure on you.

You cannot help anyone if you are not well yourself.

 

[Legacy Account]

Have a good look at this site:

http://www.bankchargeshell.co.uk/

You can reclaim your bank charges for the last 5 years with a little bit of effort - banks are operating illegally by charging the amount they do per transaction. You are also entitled to interest on the total amount they have charged you.

It does involve a bit of effort, but is well worth it - just to piss the bank off if nowt else!

As for the problems with your mother, there\'s only so much you can do for an addict - they have to be prepared to meet you half way. If they aren\'t, then you have to make a decision about whether or not they drag you down with them.

Good luck.

 

[Amazon warrior]

Something I forgot to mention. There\'s a councilling service for the bereaved called Cruse.

I know your Gran is still with us, but they might be able to help, anyway. It\'s an impartial ear, at least. I know my Mum found their helpline very useful after Dad died, although she found the waiting list for an appointment in our area (West Wales) was rather long. Might be better where you are.

 

[supervike]

Matty...all most of us know of you are from the exchanges we have here on the site. From what I can tell you are a creative and enthusiastic fellow. You need to focus some of that energy into straightening your finances and education out. The education especially. I know its hard to get yourself motivated...and sometimes you may just have to \'go through the motions\' but think of it as paying your dues as you move into adulthood. Believe me, once you quit, you may never go back. If you do quit, you\'ll kick yourself for years.

The financial thing is rough too...but remember you can\'t keep up with the joneses on that. Take the others advice and get some help on that.

Lastly, with the family troubles. I don\'t know what to say on that, I\'ll just offer condolences. Maybe check with your University for some sort of councilling....I know American schools have that sort of thing.

 

[matty1001]

Cheers everyone for the replys and help even with these it has cleared a few things up, and thanks Mike for the PM, il bear it in mind.
Il admit i was drunk last night, maybe to drunk. I can normally stop myself but i was feeling devil may care, and a bit crap to be honest (8 Bottles of Grolsch and half a bottle of JD straight). I think now its mainly the money thats making me like this, il explain.

My mam has just came out of hospital and about 4 month ago was in with a bowel ulcer which had burst. She came out of hospital and continued drinking even though my Dad was persistant that that is what had caused the problem. The she started bleeding again (rectaly) so went back to hospital last week. But this time it wasn\'t the ulcer it was part of her liver (gummy liver or something, can\'t remember properly) and the doctors/nurses had given her tablets to ween the alcohol out of her system. All along the drink had been deterioating her liver and bowels and two \'scares\' was really a kick in the arse. Plus my dad had told her he would explain to Lewis that he could come and live with us, because my mam wasn\'t fit enough to look after herself nevermind Lewis and the dog. This has really scared her now, and since coming out of hospital she hasn\'t had a drop of alcohol.

But because of the drink, large debts have been running up for her. Her internet/phone bill ran upto about £330 and water rates hadn\'t been paid for months. But she had hid the letters. The thing is though this had happened years ago, my dad would go to work and leave my mam with all the money for bills and shopping, nothing got paid for months and months leaving a large debt, which my dad is still paying off. Hopefully she will sober up and maybe get a part time job (which we have been asking her to do for years) which will help her.

With my granny, we had had a huge argument this time last year on my 18th bday, and we didn\'t speak for months, then when she was dignosed i was in two minds about seeing her. I was stubborn and arrogant about making up with her because (in my eyes) the argument was her fault. It took alot of people to tell me that the best thing was just make up and spend whatever time left not arguing.

Now the bank, its been like this for a few month now. When starting college i had to drop my work hours which meant i wasn\'t making as much money. This meant i only had just enough to cover bills and payments and the such on my basic wage. I had applyied for an \'emergency\' overdraft to cover extra payments and the such, but was refused (no reason why, i had never been in the red and had been with the bank 8 month) so i was advised to get \'First Additions\' for £5 a month i get a £100 OD some insurance stuff for phones and a few little extras. I was refused this OD aswell. Then the cost went up to £6.50, little did i no that i was paying £6.50 a month for NOTHING! So i would have enough money to cover costs, e.g i would have £5 for an insurance policie with dixons, the bank would instead take the 6.50 leaving me -1.50 (£30 charge) then dixons would take £5 (another £30 charge) so £71.50 in total.

Now once the ball had started rolling there was no stopping it, i was now being charged every month, sometimes £60-90. Then i would get my student loan, which woul take me from the red and put my above. Then the cycle starts again. This month i got £844 student loan. I have bought £40 W&N brushes, some GroundForge bases and one model. i am now back at £0 (i only got the loan 6 days ago.)

College have an onsite councellor so im going to see my tutor and ask if i can maybe have a word with them, it may require me resitting the first year at college (as this one has f$%£$ed up, unless i can get it sorted) but if i can do it, without problems and no debts il be a happy man.

Cheers for that link spacemunkie, i had seen this a couple of weeks ago and i wasnt sure if it was fully legit or not. And i got the groundforge stuff today! Excellent stuff cheers.

Well thank you all for your time and support, its great to know that i have this place to fall back on.

Matthew

 

[Duende]

Keep hanging in there, Matty! I remember my college years as being rough too. I always think of them as the best and worst years of my life. I\'m sorry, I can\'t offer much in the way of help, I know here in America I see ads on TV all the time for credit counsiling services to help get runaway debt under control. I don\'t know if they have anything similiar in the UK or not.

As to your Gran, do you even remember what the arguement was even about? What it really so important? In time, she won\'t be around for you even to argue with anymore, so I think you should mend the bridge as well as you can with her and try to make the most of her time left. And let go of your grudge, it serves no purpose and , as I\'ve heard it said, \"grudges only corrode the container that carries them\".

As to your mom, I hope her health improves since she finally quit drinking and that she stays on the bandwagon. Maybe see if she\'ll join AA or at least agree to call you or any other supportive person before giving in to any urges to pick up a bottle again. I know it\'s rough, my brother\'s an alcoholic and refuses to see it, even with a history of liver problems in the family. I think his situation may have to get as bad as you described with your mother before he sees what he\'s doing to himself, or what it does to those around him.

Well, I\'m glad you like the Groundforge stuff. Just keep in touch with us, we\'ll all rooting for you!

 

[matty1001]

Originally posted by Duende
As to your Gran, do you even remember what the arguement was even about? What it really so important? In time, she won\'t be around for you even to argue with anymore, so I think you should mend the bridge as well as you can with her and try to make the most of her time left. And let go of your grudge, it serves no purpose and , as I\'ve heard it said, \"grudges only corrode the container that carries them\".

To be honest, not really, but as it went on nastier comments were said and the divide got worse and worse, but we are mates now lol.

 

[Ritual]

You\'ve been given lots of good advice here, so I won\'t repeat what\'s already been said! I hope you\'ll be able to sort things out! It\'s good to hear you\'re already feeling better after sobering up! Your tone in the original post was slightly worrying.

 

[matty1001]

Yep, it was stupid to get in that state last night...but....it led to me writing it all down on here....which has led to great advice. Amazing support, especially from dragonsreach via a PM and Dr. Evilmunkey. So it wasn\'t really a bad thing after all, i do feel better getting it all out and as DR said \'halving the problem\'

Posted by Ainu, As ridiculous as the banks are (and what they demand for 1 pound), I would suggest not trying to spend your money for a while, you might be surprised by how much you can accumulate in two weeks to a month.

Thats hard to do, when iv got bills and the such.

 

[Dragonsreach]

Matty, I\'m glad to say that your posts are sounding a little better.

I\'d seriously plan to speak to your Uni Counsellor and the bank as soon as you can.
The Uni side I know nothing about, so I can\'t offer any advice.
But the bank have specialist Debt managers, if they can\'t help you the Citizens Advice Bureau can point you in the right direction.
Failing that you might need to see a different bank with better management for customers. I\'d recommend The Royal Bank Of Scotland on Grey Street. I\'ve been with them for more than 30 years, never failed me.

 

[matty1001]

Yep, my dad\'s with them and he\'s never had a problem. And Torn Blue Sky advised me to join up with them.

 

[Hinton]

Good to hear you\'re doing better than you were last night, matty. I agree with Ritual that your original post was a bit worrisome, but things tend to look worse when you\'re drunk.

And you got a chance to get all of this out and at least get some sound advice that may help.

Hang in there, bro. And you can always drop me a PM if you need to.

 

[wiccanpony]

First.......Hope you’re feeling better about life today

Second.... a big Auntie Hug {{{Matty}}}

Third.....again everyone has given you excellent advice, so I need not add to it.

Fourth ..if the weather is nice go take a long walk, don’t think about any problems, just look around and enjoy the day.