Hmm. Last time I was arrested it was 3 months after a bar fight.
This idiot that I can't legally name was a buddy of one of my wifes High School boyfriends. So we're talking ancient history here. As it turns out this particular boyfriend beat my wife up once upon a time and has narrowly avoided a couple ass kicking from myself in the past (He's runs faster scared than I do mad.). So this dude is a very good friend of someone that honor demands I beat down. No prob, I don't have to transfer onto this dude automatically, I am not a total neanderthal (eyebrow pointing as evidence to the contrary). BUT... this idiot has spent years trying to come over to me at the bar or wherever and tell this other guys side of the story. Look, I'm married to the woman. I know there are times she's gonna try your patience but hitting a woman just aint cool. Not know, not in 1990. There is no way I am gonna forgive a dude who hasn't even apologized for his behavior. There is even LESS of a chance I am going to have a civil conversation while I am on beer with a dude who is trying to tell me what a great guy this ex boyfriend really is. So I spent YEARS telling him to go fuck himself and I described in great deal what would happen to him if he persisted in nagging me.
So anyway, I head out for my buddies stag. "Whatever you do, don't kick the shit out of _________!" my wife said as I left. It was a good stag and I was through the business end of a couple hundred dollar bar tab by the time this idiot shows up and decides he wants to talk. "Fuck off." I told him. That bit was actually important once the lawyers got involved later as it's one of the most wonderful statements in the English language that CANNOT be misinterpreted as "I think I would like to talk to you in a calm and civil manner".
The idiot persists and begins telling me that I am over reacting about this old boyfriend, and as far as he knew he only ever saw ________ slap my wife once.
"So one slap is okay?"
He kinda paused thinking about what to say and BAMMMMOOO! I slapped him as hard as a man can slap someone. I knocked a couple of his molars out! But what a terrific slap. I mean, it had the set up, the pay off, just awesome.
So we get tossed from the bar, him first then me. The bouncer who saw it all, and also thinks that guy is a tard, let me finish my beer. This is important as he was outside and once I leave he comes at me. Turns out he can't fight for shit and I whip him pretty good. But drunk as I was I actually managed to miss him completely, by a bout a foot, with a headbutt. That was embarrassing. So I bounce his head around and as I get on top of him to really put paid to him an enormous guy, one of the regular old guys from the bar picks me up with very little effort (I weigh about 240) and says "I think he's had enough, son.".
If anyone is ever going to lift me off a man with such little effort, and call me son gently, and make it clear that any further stupidity on my behalf will have to go through him first, that's the end of the fight for sure.
So it was what it was. I thought to hear from the cops but it was 3 months later. They PHONED me and asked me to come down. I did and then I got to see the picture of the dude from the morning after. That was very gratifying. It goes before a judge and gets tossed... eventually.
The ONLY thing I could be charged with was the slap. Everything after that falls into the "Hockey fight" rule. God I love that my country has this guideline. If one person essentially says to another "hey you, let's fight!" and the other dude starts swinging, that is a contract. Cool, huh?
So since I todl the guy to "Fuck Off" and he kept initiating contact I got cleared. I was told I should have gone to a bouncer or something first and blah blah, but in the end nothing.
Which is a shame as I made a vow that if I ever had to do any time (Even a week) I would get the scales of justice tattooed on my back like DeNiro in cape fear. I would also talk about how the joint changed me all the time. So that's it really.