Drunken Ramble, Call for Help, wtf, whatever this is...

[Gilvan Blight]

Alight just finished another 70+ hour work week and went out with the lads for a few pints, so in less then salient state.

Recenly I have seen a lot of posts looking for help from a comunity I wouldn\'t expect to provide it (The Jose and depression threads come to mind), but all of those have garnered an impressive amount of interest, support and care.

Okay well, wtf.

Okay this I am sure will be deleted when I wake up and I am sober. It\'s so sad that I sit here drunk and even consider event posting this to a buch of strangers... wow...

Anyroad, back on track, if there ever was one.

Have you ever felt lost, overwhealmed and under experienced?

This isn\'t a highschool call for help. A, I lost the girl of my dream, but man look at her. Or a, \"I suck, I want to kill myself\", type of bullshit.

All my life I have been the strongest person I know. I have been the most convicted and the one who sticks to those convictions. The one who didn\'t take shit. I could honestly say for 99.9% of my life I regret nothing. I have been and always hoped to be the one in control at all times.

Suddenly I feel lost.

I don\'t understand.

I am a sucessful professional. I\'m in my early 30\'s, I have a mid level management job, that of course dives me nuts, but it pays the bills. I can\'t think of anywhere better professionally to be.

I own a house, a 4 bedroom house, with a pool, in a nice neighbourhood.

I have more hobbies then vices... which is saying someting

I have a DEVOTED, LOVING wife, that adores me. Who I have been the best friend of for 11 years and married to for 13 (next Tuesday).

I generally want for nothing.

But things are a changing. My wife is due with our child in about 2 months, july 4th (damn you americans ).

Suddenly eveything is fucked up.

Nothign feels stable. It\'s like everything I have worked for. Better put, my independance is lost.

Is this fucking normal?

It\'s supposed to be the most joyful thing that ever happens... all I can think abou tis the fact I won\'t be able to have friends over to game, and how nasty diper changing will be.

How I won\'t have my own life anymore. I have went from \"rather fucked up but cool dude into cool shite\" to my co-workers to \"just another father\".

Is it wrong I feel I am loosing myself?

Is it wrong that I wish this hadn\'t happened?

Is it wrong that I don\'t feel ready, not because I don\'t think I would be a bad father but because I will have to change myself, in ways I\'m not ready for?


Edit: hit send too early.

Mods: feel free to delete, just drunkin ramblings to see here.

It it wrong of me to hate the fact I have daugter on the way.

AS mentioned earlier this night started with a night out with the lads from work.

While there there was this girl, rather hot in this thong with pants way to short.

She was so hammered to be oblivios. When she sat down once I swear the entire bar noticed.

One guy started taking bets, on wheter or not he could throw a nikle down her ass crack...

anyroad distracted, it was funny... somehwhat

Problem was I kept thinking I\'m having a gril, WTF would I do if she acted like the drunk ass whore who had already made out with 5 guys at the bar since I had been there and is now getting change tossed down her drawers since she doesn\'t know how to wear them.

I think of that song, the Hey Mister... one... No clue what it\'s called and it now makes me shiver.

I feel evil, wrong and dirty. It sucks \'the proverbial ass\'

 

[Dragonsreach]

Gilvan I don\'t have the experience of being a father but I can sympathise with some of the confusion you are going through.
Everything in your life is about to go through the most radical change; Your marriage will no longer be about two people it will become a family.
Your wife will have other priorities and your hobby and needs will have to take second place to your baby.

I\'ve seen a friend try to stay and act the same as before he became a Father and eventually it destroyed his marriage. He lost out in the end.
You will have to adapt, but that it one of the things we humans do so very well. We Adapt to meet situations otherwise we wouldn\'t survive.

A few things to consider (some slightly humerous and some true):
Compromise in a marriage isn\'t losing.
You are about to become a Father, Revel in it! (Because to be honest I envy you that priviledge).
Kids don\'t come with an Instruction Manual. Everyone has to make it up as they go along.
The way you treat your son or daughter will reflect on the retirement home that they put you in.
Sh*t happens. (Usually as soon as you take off the nappy. With 5 neices, 3 nephews and five great neices I can speak from experience!)
You will make mistakes, but asking for help isn\'t one of them.

(Edited after your edit.) I think that your feeling about how you would feel if that was your daughter, seems to show me you are on the \'right track\'.

 

[Gilvan Blight]

Damn.

Of all people to reply I wasn\'t expecting DR.

Still up, stil drunk and still morose. I\'m pretty sure us Canadian\'s got it from you brits.

Thanks for the encouraging words.

You are one of the people that I didn\'t expect support from, as the usual responce I get from you from one of my posts is \"that\'s not very pollite\", or \"how does that help the poster\".

Damn cool to see you don\'t hate me.

Trains of thought are moving through london fog right now so you have to excuce me if this makes no sense.

Yes careing that my daughter to be isn\'t like the person I saw earlier at the pub, is a good sign of my hopes, and plans for the future. What worries me is the fact that I would have to assume that girl\'s father tried his best to raise a girl that wasn\'t the girl I saw tonight. And the personal worry that I will create the same thing. And the metal mess up of finding that \'tramp\' somewhat attractive, while never wanting \'any child of mine\' to be that way.

The more I drink the more I think about it... which may or may not be a good thing... the fact it\'s 5:40 AM and I am still drinking and typing about it another... but I think the main problem is fear of change in a new way.

I realized when I was in my teens that I feared what I could not control. So life was easy for years. Just make sure that you could control everything or anything that you couldn\'t control, you had no control over (trust me to someone out there this wil make sense, for me it was a motto for like 8 years). Now I am in a situation that I created under my own control (I was the one who suggested the cesation of birth control) but now that the result has come I feel out of control.

Sure this is all sill drunken rambling, and I\'m sure I will still feel like a heel for being \'week\' enough to post this in my stupor. But thanks for any support you give, before I deny this weakness. Special thanks to DR who was the last person I expected support from (always felt you had a vendetta against me, /shrug).

Edit: sure I missed some but some spelling fixed. Why can\'t cmon have a bloody spell check, even my free forum does.

 

[freakinacage]

Originally posted by Gilvan Blight


I have more hobbies then vices... which is saying someting

i think this is your problem!!

i think it\'s the normal male reaction to parenthood tbh. i am only 25 and have no kids but i think i\'d react in the same way. it\'s such an undertaking, such a responsibility. it should not be taken lightly. it will affect you life, for the worse in some ways (money, independence) but will enrich it beyond that and you loving wife will share that burden with you. bear in mind she\'s gotta have the little bugger first!! she\'s got the hard end of the deal lol

 

[freakinacage]

sorry for the double post but..

Originally posted by Gilvan Blight

Edit: sure I missed some but some spelling fixed. Why can\'t cmon have a bloody spell check, even my free forum does.

if you use firefox, you can download a spell check dictionary add on. sadly it\'s american english so it doesn\'t like a lot of what i say anyway but it\'s a start

 

[Sigmork]

I know this reply might sound a bit blunt, but try to look on the bright side of things, a wonderful little baby that grows up to be a charming girl, the knowledge that you will have another to be kind to you, look after you when you get older.

As freakinacage has said, it wont be just you looking after her, your wife will be there beside you.

Regarding the last bit of your first post, I know this might be a little early, but sometimes the stricter you raise them, the more they rebel, but if you give them unlimited freedom, the same will happen, find a point in between, let them make their own mistakes and learn from them. As everyone says, you learn from your mistakes.


On a final side note, I was born on 4th July, which is the only way my Uncle remembers my birthday (he always 4gets my brotherslol)

 

[Legacy Account]

Your kid will change your perceptions I expect.

Try to cheer up though - there are people on these boards who I\'m sure would love to have a healthy little chap or chapette on the way....

 

[james sequeira]

I dont know what to say as I havnt experienced any of this, except all I can say is your son/daughter will become what you let them. My mum was always hard on me but soft on my sister and now shes off with all the hard acts thinking its cool ect

 

[OrkyDave]

I have been a father for two and a half years now, and I can tell you from experience that the second your baby is born your priorities in life change completley- partly out of necessity but mainly out of choice. You will not have felt anything like you will feel when you first hold your child and you will find yourself wanting to be around and helping out, spending time with your family. I aint gonna lie, less time will be spent on hobbies and going to the pub with mates but this will be out of choice. You will still find time for hobbies and friends though.

What you have said is a perfectly normal response (especially after a few beers!) and it is right to be worried about your childs wellbeing and future. 9 out of 10 times good parents bring up good kids. As said earlier the fact that you are already thinking about this makes me feel that you have nothing to worry about.

It will be hard at times but it will be the most rewarding thing you ever do.

 

[Duende]

Originally posted by Gilvan Blight
Nothign feels stable. It\'s like everything I have worked for. Better put, my independance is lost.

Is this fucking normal?

It\'s supposed to be the most joyful thing that ever happens... all I can think abou tis the fact I won\'t be able to have friends over to game, and how nasty diper changing will be.

I know sorta how you feel. I had my daughter at the age of 31 and up until that point I had NO baby experience whatsoever. I had never changed a diaper, I had maybe actually only even hald a baby maybe twice in my lifetime before. So now, here I was, going to be responsible for the care of tiny helpless baby 24-7, and I knew nothing!

Well, I had my daughter in July (July birthdays seem so abound in this thread, she was due on the 7th, I had her on the 13th), and I nearly wanted to panic when I had to leave the hospital and the helpful nurses behind. I was fortunate that my mother stayed with me for a couple of weeks afterward. She was sure to educate both me and my husband on how to do \"baby stuff\", by always having us watch her do it first, then making us each do it afterwards while she supervised. Sounds kinda strict, I know, but it was very helpful since I had no clue wtf I was doing.

I can certainly see how becoming a dad is givng you nightmares. There were so bad times when I felt like I was ready to pull all my hair out and run around the house screaming (those always happened on the nights she was colicy) but you just make it through it however you can. You know, they DO eventyally grow out of it and learn to use the potty, walk and talk all by themselves.

And to address the lines I quoted from you, you don\'t have to stop having friends over, you just have to have some rules like No smoking, keep the noise level down, and you\'ll have to leave the gaming table every so ofter to change a diaper. Surely not all your friends are swinging singles, but a few have kids themselves? They\'ll understand.

I would say your feelings are completely f***ing normal. You\'re life\'s about to change inm way that you can\'t forsee, since you have no experience... YET, but trust me, you can adapt, its just a scary process. Now that my daughter is 4, the times when she hugs me and tell me I\'m the \"bestest mommy in the whole world\" is something I wouldn\'t trade for anything!

I hope you feel better when you\'re sober! Hang in there! You\'re perfectly alright for a panicy, first-time dad!

 

[Trevor]

Babies are hard and a handful, but everyone I know who has them says they are worth it.
I wouldn\'t worry about the panic, friends of mine recently had twins, he feels similar to you, like his life is not his own and they take all his time. I think its harder if you are older, you get so used to doing what you want when you want. But it doesn\'t have to stop you doing everything, my work mates bring their babies to the pub after work sometimes, its really great fun, the babies end up with all the adults adoring them and the parents get to have them off their hands for a while.

Don\'t focus on what you can\'t do, but what you will be able to do, seeing the world through the eyes of a child is a wonderful thing.

And to give some perspective some other friends have been trying to have a baby for over 2 years, so count yourself lucky you can even have a child.

 

[Eostar]

I\'ve just returned to painting and have been lurking here for a couple of months.

I and many folk I know have the same thoughts when parenthood, or any other major life change happens. It\'s logical to wonder and worry about the changes that happen.

I put my painting aside when my first son was born. Living in a small place with no storage I felt that having lead minis out where he could chew on them was a bad thing. (not sure if I was more worried about the minis or my son ) I did choose to change my life in practical ways - less time for my hobbies and social life, more time dedicated to domestic chores.

What I didn\'t expect was the amazing gifts me boys gave me. They showed me the wonder and joy of things I took for granted as an adult - learning to walk, the first time they said \'Mommy\', finding bugs in the park, the first A on a school paper, and so much more. Now that I am painting again, my boys are my biggest fans. They paint with me too.

There was no user manual and no road map for parenting or how my life changed. But it is the best mystery ride I have ever been on.

 

[Prophet]

Kids don\'t come with an Instruction Manual. Everyone has to make it up as they go along.

No offense intended DR, but I don\'t know why people say this. There have been thousands of books written on raising children. There\'s no reason to go into parenthood \"cold turkey.\"
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/102-8318331-3841736?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=parenting&Go.x=0&Go.y=0&Go=Go

 

[PegaZus]

Originally posted by Gilvan Blight
Suddenly I feel lost.

I don\'t understand.

Suddenly eveything is fucked up.

Nothign feels stable. It\'s like everything I have worked for. Better put, my independance is lost.

Is this fucking normal?

Very, very, very normal. My first was a surprise, and my wife and I had planned out several years of things we wanted to do. Vacations, career plans, normal stuff.

One pregnancy test later, and I watched all that flush down the toilet. And I wanted to go down with it. I was super depressed.

Now, you say you\'re a strong person, so I\'m not going to sugar coat things. Feel free to go cry after this: You are about to experience something close to hell. Sleepless nights once the baby is born, feedings, diapers, the whole nine yards. It SUCKS. New fathers were the inspiration for zombies. But, its worth it. One life over, a new one starts.

You\'re going to participate in getting this little mini to top quality. You\'re going to learn so many things, and it makes you better. Don\'t worry about what she\'ll be when she\'s older. If you get the primer and basecoat right, the details she adds later will really stand out and she\'ll avoid the major flaws you worry about.

My first is now 4 years old. He\'s painted his first mini, albeit with a medley of colors on one brush. But he\'s enthusiastic about painting and its going to be interesting when he starts gaining skills. Its going to be exciting.

Two years from now, you won\'t want to go back to the way things were.

So go ahead, be scared. Its normal and it\'ll be okay.

 

[Greg Ellis]

Don\'t sweat it, Gilvan, you\'re just feeling the crush of responsibility. You\'re totally right - you will never again feel the complete and utter freedom of youth. That\'s just how it is.

Middle manager eh? Me too. Think of parenthood as an instant and unexpected promotion to CEO, with all the responsibilities that entails, for the welfare of the company, the happiness fo the shareholders, the livelyhoods of all the staff, etc. etc. But sorry, no pay raise or perks.

lol

Yeah, it\'s scary. And it means you will never be free. And that\'s a tough pill to swallow. Everything you\'re feeling is completely correct. You\'ll get over it.

You will learn to like it, actually; have no fear. Parenting is a great joy. It\'s difficult, there\'s no denying that, but it\'s nice too. You\'ll have a lot of \"wow, we made that?\" moments along the way.

For now, try to relax - your reaction is completely normal. Go kiss your wife and tell her you love her. Tell her you\'re scared if you think she can handle that. Or just hug her a lot. I bet you like the way she looks and feels right now, don\'t you?

And don\'t give that tart in the bar a second thought. By the time your kid is that age, you will have come to understand that she\'s as much her own person as you are, and that there\'s only so much you can do to show her the way and guide her along. My kids are 7 and 8 years old now, and they\'ve already got very strong personalities. We do our best, but they do their part too.

Welcome to the club, dude...

 

[Prophet]

It\'s normal to freak out Gilvan. Just like it\'s normal to get anxious before a wedding, or really any big change. I have three daughters. My oldest was born when I was 21. It is possible to get through this.

Take a deep breath. You\'ve got two months. Prepare yourself as best you can. Read up on everything. Make the purchases you need to. Get some rest. The first 2-3 months are generally the worst due to sleep deprivation.

Diapers aren\'t that bad.

 

[Rigged4Mini]

I\'m only 29 and I hope to avoid having children as I\'m still one myself according to my girlfriend..

Having said that..the only advice I can give..is to not ask Alec Baldwin about parental advice.

 

[Evil Bones]

gilvan ...i thought i was the only who was scared and confused.

i go tomorrow with my fiance, to find out how far along we are and i am scarred as sh t.

i am an aircraft mechanic, and like yourself, i am very confident and sure of myself...until we got the + on the test.

so i will do as you do.... take the advice of the good folks here on CMON...learn and adapt to the joys & tears of the next part of my life.:beer::beer:

 

[Dragonsreach]

Originally posted by Gilvan Blight
Of all people to reply I wasn\'t expecting DR. ?
Damn cool to see you don\'t hate me.
Hate is something special for me. I normally reserve my hatred for Big Things like Bigotry, Rapine & Phaedophilia. To my concious knowledge I only hate 3 people, one out of principle, the other 2 out of the harm they have done Family & Friends.

Special thanks to DR who was the last person I expected support from (always felt you had a vendetta against me, /shrug).
It has been pointed out to me that in my writing I can come over as being very \"School-teacherish\" sometimes. (Guilty as Charged).
I don\'t have a vendetta against you, far from it and if I\'ve given that impression then I apologise unreservedly.

So if my words were of any help to you then I\'m glad.

ps How\'s the hangover?

 

[supervike]

Ah...nothing like a good bender to confuse the hell out of you.

Having a child doesn\'t have to take all your independence away....just 99 percent of it!

Chin up, as soon as you hold that little girl in your hands, all those doubts and insecurities will melt away.