Her thighs were geese, pythons, schooners.

Amazon warrior

New member
I spend too much time on LJ reading other people\'s journals. Well, I do if they\'re interesting anyway. Today, some link-chasing brought me to possibly the most hilarious bad fantasy description in the world. EVER. You\'ll laugh. You\'ll cry. You\'ll wonder what the author and editors were smoking!

Her tongue is a what, now? and Oh gods, there\'s more!

Check out the \"fan art\", too. I promise it\'s worth it to see a glimpse of this hawt babe! :eek::wow:
 

freakinacage

Well-known member
i sincerely hope that the book was not meant to be serious.

edit - i still can\'t get over how ridiculous it was!
 

Amazon warrior

New member
Originally posted by Roger Bunting
Ermm, errr, aaah, nope, I have no words to describe it as I\'m sure the author has used every metaphor going.
And some more that he really shouldn\'t have. The fragrance of a gibbous moon, ffs?

Ah well, it should give hope to any budding authors out there! C\'mon, you know you can do better!
 

boristfrog

New member
OMG - I\'m lost for words. That\'s just insane - and it\'s just beautifully balanced by the postscript from the guy who put it online.
Genius - the bit about the dramatic recording is my fav.

That book is going to become legendary.
 

jahminis

New member
ouch, that hurt...

this shite makes my bad high school love poems read like Dylan Thomas...

@boristfrog: you\'re right, that book will be an underground classic...
lord help us alllol...

cheers
jah
 

No Such Agency

New member
That wasn\'t from \"Bored of the Rings\" was it?

\"Do you like what you doth see...?\" said the voluptuous elf-maiden as she provocatively parted the folds of her robe to reveal the rounded, shadowy glories within. Frito\'s throat was dry, though his head reeled with desire and ale.

She slipped off the flimsy garment and strode toward the fascinated boggie unashamed of her nakedness. She ran a perfect hand along his hairy toes, and he helplessly watched them curl with the fierce insistent wanting of her.

\"Let me make thee more comfortable,\" she whispered hoarsely, fiddling with the clasps of his jerkin, loosening his sword belt with a laugh. \"Touch me, oh touch me,\" she crooned.

Frito\'s hand, as though of its own will, reached out and traced the delicate swelling of her elf-breast, while the other slowly crept around her tiny, flawless waist, crushing her to his barrel chest.

\"Toes, I love hairy toes,\" she moaned, forcing him down on the silvered carpet. Her tiny pink toes caressed the luxuriant fur of his instep while Frito\'s nose sought out the warmth of her precious elf-navel.

\"But I\'m so small and hairy, and...and you\'re so beautiful,\" Frito whimpered, slipping clumsily out of his crossed garters.

The elf-maiden said nothing, but only sighed deep in her throat and held him more firmly to her faunlike body. \"There is one thing you must do for me first,\" she whispered into one tufted ear.

\"Anything,\" sobbed Frito, growing frantic with his need. \"Anything!\"

She closed her eyes and then opened them to the ceiling. \"The Ring,\" she said. \"I must have your Ring.\"

Frito\'s whole body tensed. \"Oh no,\" he cried, \"not that! Anything but...that.\"

\"I must have it,\" she said both tenderly and fiercely. \"I must have the Ring!\"

Frito\'s eyes blurred with tears and confusion. \"I can\'t,\" he said. \"I musn\'t!\"

But he knew resolve was no longer strong in him. Slowly, the elf-maiden\'s hand inched toward the chain in his vest pocket, closer and closer it came to the Ring Frito had guarded so faithfully...
 

Amazon warrior

New member
@NSA: lol I read that a lng time ago! It was rather amusing. Sadly however, it would appear that the author of \"Silk and Steel\" is in deadly earnest.
 

BarstoolProphet

New member
In deadly earnest? So he\'s trying to kill us all!

I couldn\'t even get past the first half page. Whoever let that get published is evil, pure and simple.

Either that, or it was released by Illiterate Press.
 

Dragonsreach

Super Moderator
Staff member
I\'ve read some carp in my time but that was definitly from the bottom of a muddy stream.

You owe me for that H.
 

Hinton

New member
Oh holy crap!

\"Dew and otters\"?! Buzzing pubes?? Wha.....????

I have to say thank you for posting that, AW. I\'m always a bit down on my writing, but after reading that...whatever in the hell it is...I feel much better about my own work.
 

Amazon warrior

New member
Originally posted by Hinton
Oh holy crap!

\"Dew and otters\"?! Buzzing pubes?? Wha.....????

I have to say thank you for posting that, AW. I\'m always a bit down on my writing, but after reading that...whatever in the hell it is...I feel much better about my own work.
It was the buzzing pubes that broke me too! :eek: Well, I\'m glad it\'s been kind of anti-inspirational, if you know what I mean! lol I\'m sure your writing is a lot better. :)
 

Ritual

New member
This passage cracks me up:

Her spine was a snake. It was the track of a snake. It was the groove the water snake makes in the glossy mud of the riverbank. Her spine was a viper, an anaconda. It was the strength of the anaconda. It was the anaconda\'s unknown hieroglyphic. Her spine was a ladder, a rod; it was a chain, a canal, it was a caravan. Her buttocks were fresh-baked loaves; they were ivory eggs, they were the eggs of the lonely phoenix. They were a fist.

I showed it to a friend at work, who\'s very interested in litterature and poetry, and he nearly died of laughter...

And I feel slightly dirty after having typed that drivel.... :|~
 
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