Military jokes

E

Evil Dave

New member
Itchy, You\'ll like this...

A soldier, a marine and a sailor, are in a town looking for a place for the night, when they come across a farm. The military men knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can shack up in his barn that night, the farmer agrees.
Now the farmer is a mean nasty man with three gorgeous daughters, so he decides to prostitute them off to the military men to earn some money. That night he sends his daughters into the barn.

The next morning he asks his first daughter how everything went.
Oh it was great, she replied. I was with the soldier, we went into town picked up a six pack and split it and then made love for an hour, he then gave me $100.
He went to the second daughter.
I was with the marine she said, we went into town got a case of beer, we split the case and had sex for a couple of hours, he gave me $50.
The farmer then went to the third daughter who was crying.
Well, how\'d you do he asked her.
I was with the sailor she blubbered, we went into town and picked up a couple of bottles of whiskey, he drank them both and screwed my brains out all night and I loaned him $20 till next payday.

Moral of the story: Mothers watch your daughters when the sailors come to town.
 
E

Evil Dave

New member
A couple of marines are walking down the street, when they come upon this kid playing in a pile of crap.
One of the marines asks the kid
\"Hey kid what are you doing?\"
\"I\'m making a sailor.\" was the kids reply.
Now the marines found this to be extremely funny, so when they saw a sailor nearby, they told him to ask the kid what he was doing.
The sailor looked at the boy and said.
\"Son, what are you doing?\"
\"I\'m making a sailor\" came the reply.
Th marines were howling by this time, and the sailor aske the boy
\"Why are you making a sailor?\"
\"Because there isn\'t a pile of shit big enough to make a marine.\" said the boy.
 
E

Evil Dave

New member
How many Coast Guard does it take to do a burial at sea?

6

2 to throw the body overboard and 4 to stomp it into the mud.
 
I

Itchy

New member
Ok, you got a couple chuckles out of me.

What\'s MARINE stand for?
My Ass Rides In Navy Equipmentlol

Ah... isn\'t there enough joke for the USMC (Uncle Sam\'s Misguided Children) yet? no? oklol
 
Z

Zora

New member
A navy man walks into a restaurant bathroom and sees a marine at the urinal.

The navy man takes his white gloves off, tucks them in his belt, careful goes to the restroom,
then washes his hands.

The marine finishes peeing, turns and starts to walk out when the navy man dries his hands off carefully, slips his white gloves on and says: \"Don\'t they teach you to wash your hands in the Marines?\"

The marine looks back and replies \"NO, they teach us not to piss on our hands\" and walks out...lol
 
M

Mick

New member
((Imagine ww2)) bullets flying everywhere bombs dropping..a dumb private runs up to his sergeant says sarge i need a gun!!!..the sergeant looks around and grabs a mop..breaks off the wiping end hands it to him.Sergeant says ok when you use this you say bangidy bangidy bangidy..the private looks at the mop and then the sergeant nodding and says but sarge i need a bayonet..so the sergeant ties on a string and says ok when you use it you say stabbity stabbity stabity..and sends the private off into the middle of the battle..so he starts saying bangity bangity bangity stabbity stabity stabity and the nazis are falling everywhere grave yard dead..he sees one way off in the distance coming towards him thinks ok 1 left..starts saying bangity bangity bangity baggity..nothing happens he keeps coming..so he says it again and again..still noting..he gets close enuff and decides to try the bayonet..stabbity stabbity stabbity..doesnt work the nazi walks across the private breaking evry bone in his body going Tankity tankity tankity ;)
 
M

mud_duck

Guest
Told to me by one of the mechs in my Baltitons motorpool.
A scientific study done by a Ivy League School.
Locked two Germans in a sealed with two steel balls. Three days later they let the Germans out and found out that they have built the worlds fastest car.
Next they looked two Japanise in the same room with two steel balls. Three day later they unlock the door, and what do you know, they had made the world\'s most powerful computer.
So, next they locked two combat engineers in the same room, with two steel balls. 45 minutes later the tests hear a knock on the door. When they open the door, the engineers started to complain that they had broken one of the balls and lost the other one.

I think that he was a little mad at us poor little engineers at time. So if you ever run across a mech in any heavy junk unit, the proper greeting is \"Two steel balls!\"lol
 
Shawn R. L.

Shawn R. L.

New member
What did Hitler do with his little armies??? Put em in his little sleevies!!

Guy gets sent across enemy lines to blow up a truck carrying an important load. Upon returning the seargant askes how it went. The grunt replies \"I burned my lips on the tailpipe\"!lol
 
I

Itchy

New member
Originally posted by Dragonsreach
Originally posted by airhead
military intelligence
Click to expand...
No that\'s an Oxy-moron.

Emphasis on the moron.;)
Click to expand...

Hey now... some of us are about to be military intelligence. Special Intelligence, CTR (that\'s Crypto Tech collection, or recon to the civilians;))
 
E

Evil Dave

New member
Originally posted by Itchy
Originally posted by Dragonsreach
Originally posted by airhead
military intelligence
Click to expand...
No that\'s an Oxy-moron.

Emphasis on the moron.;)
Click to expand...

Hey now... some of us are about to be military intelligence. Special Intelligence, CTR (that\'s Crypto Tech collection, or recon to the civilians;))
Click to expand...

Which means, you will be sitting in a small locked room during your watch on ship, if the ship starts going down you will be the last ones off because it is your responsibility to destroy all secret documents. You don\'t get to play with the cool guns.
But on the bright side, you are almost always the first off a ship in port, and rarely get stuck with chipping and painting or other sundry duties.
If at all possible, try to avoid being on a carrier, they don\'t hit as many ports as the smaller ships. Also I once read somewhere that there was an average of 20-30 people disapear off of the carriers every Westpac, most being blown off the ship by the jets exhaust. A carrier will not stop for you, it will send a helicopter or one of the smaller ships to pick you up. Which means you could be in the ice cold water anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, if it\'s even noticed that you go overboard.

I was on the USS Princeton (CG-59), an Aegis cruiser, or as my exo would say \"the Death Star of the Seas\"
 
E

Evil Dave

New member
Oh, and Itchy,
Pay close attention to the Sonar Techs and the Operations Specialists, if they come running out of CIC follow them.
 
I

Itchy

New member
hehehe, ok. Actually, i might not see a boat. i hear they\'ve got a lot of the CTs in underground bunkers state side now a days.
 
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