My life is a soap opera

[Ogrebane]

So I guess what I am about to write may be for your amusement. Im not asking fo advice (although I\'ll gladly listen) I just needed somewhere to vent and as I kinda think of you guys as my family what better place.

So Ive been married twice and engaged more times than I can remember.

My first wife and I were married for 2 years and had a son together. We seperated but after a bit of tussling we have stayed friends over the years. In fact I would say she is my best friend in the world. This of course has caused a few hassles over the years but nothing I couldnt handle.

So I was also engaged and live with a lady for 2 1/2years and we had a daughter together. But that year my brother commited suiside and I took it very badly and consequently we seperated. He next boyfriend was a drop kick Droider and caused a lot of trouble with me seeing Jess so after he sent me adoption papers for her, I agreed and havent seen her for 17 years now.

I then Married again for 8 years and had two beautiful girls who get on well with my eldest son but know nothing of my other daughter. Thier mother was Bipolar so after many years of therapy we also seperated and have a strainded relationship.

OK so thats the background in brief.

Now a couple of weeks ago whilst on a bended with my mate I called up my first ex (The one Im friends with) and in my drunken stupor told her how I love her and always have (Idiot) Next day I gave my mate a smack in the head cause hes spose to stop me doing that kind of stuff but thought no more of it.

So my first ex invites me to lunch yesterday which isnt unusual as we often catch up for lunch or have coffee or dinner together.

So anyway she asks me if I love her and I say of course I do I never stoped. No biggy but then she goes so do you want to do about it. NOw I get it anyway after some talking to my shoes we decided to give it a go but we will take it slow.

Dilemma 1: I dont want to wreak the friendship and niether does she.
Dilemma 2: I actually would like to get back with her
Dilemma 3: I havent had a relationship since my second marriage split (about 6 years I think)
Dilemma 4: How does a relationship bases on friendship progress to whatever the next step is.

Ok so for the mo we are going to see what happens but I hope things dont go wierd becuase of this.

Now to make this day even better you\'ll remeber I have another daughter who I havent seen for 17 years well.....

That afternoon I get a phone call from her mum. Jess is ging thru some bad stuff and needs some help. She and her droid husband have split up (about 12 months I think she said) and things in Jess\'s life arent going very well and Jo thibks it would be a good thing if I was in Jess\'s life. Im gobsmacked. I dont know what to say. I never thought this day would come but have always hoped. And Jess really wants to see me and is aware that it wasnt my choice to not be in her life. Happy days.

So
Dilemma 5: My other kids dont even know they have a sister.
Dilemma 6: How do you make up for 17 years of not being in her life.
Dilemma 7: I havent even begun to deal with Jo (her mum) and that makes me just a nervous as meeting Jess.

And theres more but that\'ll do donkey.

Anyway thanks for listening to my life as a soapy.

I may make this into a film but only if I can get the mini painting aspect right.

 

[Ritual]

Originally posted by Ogrebane
I may make this into a film but only if I can get the mini painting aspect right.

lol That was possibly the best way you could end this story!

Man, it\'s past 3 o\'clock in the morning here and I\'m cross-eyed after painting for 5 hours. All I have energy left for is saying I see your dilemmas (all 7 of them) and you have my deepest sympathy. I hope things go well! For whatever that is worth...

 

[Trevor]

Wow!

...

:beer: :drunk: lol :cussing:

or something

 

[johnboyjjb]

Dilemma 1: I dont want to wreak the friendship and niether does she.
25/75 good to bad. Could go either way
Dilemma 2: I actually would like to get back with her
Then why haven\'t you?
Dilemma 3: I havent had a relationship since my second marriage split (about 6 years I think)
Problem? You know this woman well enough to marry her once and shes your best friend. You\'ve had a relationship, just not as deep.
Dilemma 4: How does a relationship bases on friendship progress to whatever the next step is.
Slowly and carefully
Dilemma 5: My other kids dont even know they have a sister.
Tough one. I have no unsolicited and/or unsavory advice for you here.
Dilemma 6: How do you make up for 17 years of not being in her life.
You never do - but you can\'t fix the past. Just take what\'s ahead of you. (A new car isn\'t a bad start)
Dilemma 7: I havent even begun to deal with Jo (her mum) and that makes me just a nervous as meeting Jess.
Find something she likes to do that you are comfortable doing as well. If you are both comfortable in your surroundings you will be less nervous about the meeting.

 

[supervike]

First off, I don\'t know nothing bout nothing...so my advice can be cast aside like yesterdays newspaper...

For the first set of Dilemma\'s, I don\'t even see the problem...

Who better to have a relationship with than someone who is your friend? I assume you are older and wiser than before, and have learned from your mistakes. You want to be with her, and she with you? Take it slow, but it sounds like a positive.

The second set of Dilemmas I think is much much more complicated. I cannot even fathom NOT seeing my child for any length of time. That may be the worse punishment I could think of...BUT...If I were you I would do everything I could do to have a decent relationship, but you best take that one slow as well....

Good luck!

 

[spazzy]

Hubby and I have been married for nine years, and we are best friends. That has been a big boon to our relationship, so I would guess that you have a better chance and a better relationship with your first ex than you did the first time around. It always helps that the two of you are (most likely ) wiser and more mature than you were the last time. As far as the other kids not knowing about Jess, the only real way to deal with it is to have a family sit down and explain the whole thing to them in terms that they can understand (I don\'t know how old they are) and hope that they are excited about a sister rather than hurt or dissapointed in you for not telling them. Be prepared, they might. You had your reasons for not telling them, I\'m sure, and those reasons are the best explanations that you can give. As far as a relationship with Jess, don\'t expect a normal (or quasi-normal) father-daughter relationship right off. Just let her know that you want to get to know her and be friends with her, without any pressure. Chances are she\'s just as nervous about this as you are.

There\'s my two cents.

 

[Nelson]

For the first set of dilemmas, I say just go for it. Take it slowly and let it progress naturally...don\'t try to force it to become something it\'s not. If, after a time, the relationship remains a friendship, then perhaps that is what it should remain. It sounds like you two know each other well enough to know if it\'s going to work or not. You\'re older, and wiser, and if you both know what you\'re getting into, I don\'t think the friendship should be in danger (although it\'s not guaranteed by any means)


For the second set of questions, I can really only tell how I would feel if I was one of the kids...I\'m 18 (birthday two days ago!) and I\'ve got a bit of a complicated family (two-step sisters and a step-dad who I don\'t live with any more, but are considered my real family, and, a biological dad and 4 half-siblings who I rarely visit) so I can sympathise. For the first one, I don\'t think there\'s much to do but tell them. Personally, I\'d feel a bit peeved at first for being denied even the knowledge of having a sister! Ultimately, though, they\'re probably gonna be pretty happy to have a new sister. (albeit a 17-year old one)
And number 2, like johnboy said, I don\'t think you can make up for 17 lost years. Certainly don\'t try giving her pink bows and lollies to reclaim her childhood. Just accept what happened, accept your part in it, and move on. Try to establish a great realtionship with her, but don\'t necessarily expect a father-daughter one.
And be grateful you missed her teen years.

Cheers

:beer:

EDIT: Oh, yeah, I don\'t know nuthin\' \'bout nuthin\' either, so take it all with a grain of salt.

 

[DrEvilmonki]

For your first set of dilemmas I would say the same as for any relationship. Lose the pride and don\'t let anger rule you. By that I mean don\'t be afraid to admit when you are wrong, don\'t treat any of it like a game where you have to get out on top (oh er!) and never bad mouth her just because you are angry. But you know all that stuff.

My brother was banned from seeing his son for 14 years and it was really difficult for everyone when he came into our lives.
The best advise I can give is to be completely bluntly honest. Say look this is exactly the stituation that occured this is why. Some of your reasons and actions may have been wrong, own up to your mistakes. None of us are perfect.

Oh and talk it over with your first wife before anything else. That way you will start out with a show of trust and openess.

Good luck mate.

 

[Ogrebane]

Hey thanks guys. As to my ex and me I think as you say we\'re big enough and ugly enough to sort it. As I said I just dont want things to go wierd so Im happy to stay friends if thats all thats there.

As to the second, I have told my younger daughters (11 and 9) that they have a 19yo sister and was surprised by the reaction. The older just smiled and said Cool a big sis (I thought Id have problems with this one so I suppose they are about to happen)

The younger was upset that I had lied to her all these years (I am kind of the one stable thing in thier life cause thier mum is a bit loopy sometimes)

My daughter Jess I dont expect to be her father. I was really just the donor and some other guy raised her so I dont expect that. I like the car idea tho so I will give it some thought (I was thinking of a lap top lol)

Anyway I think maybe it will be rough but in the end I think it will work out fine. I figure Huwee (Yawee or whatever) owes me one so may this is his payback.

Thanks for listening guys.

 

[johnboyjjb]

One thing that stuck with me when I got married is that love is only 50% emotion. The other 50% is decision. You can choose to love someone. That is how most working arranged marriages work. If it is just an emotion it will fade. If it is a decision, then you can determine if it is worth the effort to push on.

A relationship without emotion is dead.
A relationship without a commitment is too weak to last.

 

[howtofoldsoup]

Dilemma 1: I dont want to wreak the friendship and niether does she.

Having a sexual relationship will always taint a friendship, with or without a past. If things go bad again, recovering that friendship will be difficult.

Dilemma 2: I actually would like to get back with her

You did break up for a reason. You seem to gloss over it in your description, which is probably your wanting to rationalize getting back together with her. Spoiled milk won\'t taste any better tomorrow. That said, 20 years is a long time, and a lot of things have changed. You\'re both more mature and (I assume) in a different situation financially. Those are the most common reasons for early relationships to fail.

Dilemma 3: I havent had a relationship since my second marriage split (about 6 years I think)

It\'s like riding a bike, \'cept less chance of knocking all your teeth out on a curb.

Dilemma 4: How does a relationship bases on friendship progress to whatever the next step is.

That\'s really more a matter of how comfortable you are letting it progress. Her acceptance of your drunk dialing propositions means she\'s ready. I don\'t quite understand the ambivalence you described in your lunch meeting, \"Talking to your shoes\". Make sure you\'re not just doing this to satisfy some loneliness bug you might be going through, it\'s a horrible sacrifice of a friendship for that.

Dilemma 5: My other kids dont even know they have a sister.

That\'s on you, sounds like it went well.

Dilemma 6: How do you make up for 17 years of not being in her life.

I, coincedentally, was astranged from my father for 17 years till about 4 years ago. Like Johnboy said, you can\'t make up for lost time. Buying some extravagant gift probably isn\'t appropriate either. If my father would have done that, I would have felt some pressure to satisfy some expectation of his. I suggest you take is slow, build up a friendship and establish trust. Let her know you\'re there for her. The biggest question you have to answer, is why you didn\'t make yourself part of her life before now. Till a few years ago, you were the adult in the relationship, so the onus was on you. Blaming her mother only devalues the daughter. Be prepared to apologize.

Dilemma 7: I havent even begun to deal with Jo (her mum) and that makes me just a nervous as meeting Jess.

So don\'t. She\'s a psycho, you don\'t need that crap. Keep contact with her at a minimum. You control your relationships with people; if people aren\'t worth talking to, don\'t. I\'m sure your daughter has seen her mother\'s dark side.

In case my nose is where it doesn\'t belong...
I don\'t know you beyond the synopsis you gave at the beginning of this thread. I am somewhat travelled in such matters, however, so I thought I\'d chime in.

Of course, now you have to keep us updated. As was once said in a great film, \"...but I didn\'t dump my purse out on the couch and invite everyone into my problems.\"

Good luck.

HowToFoldSoup

 

[farseerlum]

threads like these make me glad i\'m me!

replies like this make other people glad their not me. lol

 

[Dragonsreach]

Originally posted by Ogrebane

Okay my take on this (and sorry for being late)

Dilemma 1: I dont want to wreck the friendship and niether does she.
Be honest, tell her what you feel and what is happening. Make sure that you don\'t exclude her and take your time
Dilemma 2: I actually would like to get back with her.
Ok take your time
Dilemma 3: I havent had a relationship since my second marriage split (about 6 years I think)
Dilemma 4: How does a relationship bases on friendship progress to whatever the next step is.
See answer to Dilema 2
Dilemma 5: My other kids dont even know they have a sister.
Ok you\'ve told them. Now you have to deal with the issue of the youngest daughter feeling betrayed. You have to let her know that you chose to be a part of her life and that although you were not a part of her Half sisters life, her half sister has the right to find out if she wants her biological father to be part of her life now.
Dilemma 6: How do you make up for 17 years of not being in her life.
You can\'t. All you can do is tell her that if she wants you to be part of her life then you are there NOW.
Dilemma 7: I havent even begun to deal with Jo (her mum) and that makes me just as nervous as meeting Jess.
No Sh*t. Well my only advice is to be honest with her as well. Tell her what is happening with Jess and let her know that despite everything that is going on with your life ATM you are more than willing to be part of your daughters life now, if she wants it.

Ok you sound as if after all these years you feel as if you are mature enough to deal with all the history in your life. Congratilations there are not many people who get there. Good luck with everything / everybody.

 

[Drake Farstrider]

I think that you have gotten some damn fine advice here Ogrebane. I really don\'t have much to add other than take it slow. I think your youngest daughter will eventualy be okay, but she may be hurt for a little while.

Remember to keep your chin up. Good luck with the Ex and Jess. Let us know what happens.

Jeremy

 

[krom1415]

Wow, I hope this all works out, things do tend to when we are honest with our own feelings, and the feelings of others.
Good luck, your life now, will certainly not be boring, and the oportunities are endless. All the best

 

[Ogrebane]

I had one of those defining moments in my life were suddenly alot of things made sense. It didnt change me as a person and it didnt make me react to things differently it just gave me a sense of purpose.

Its a comforting thing to know what it is that you can contribute to the world.

I was like many people when they are younger a very selfish person but having kids slowly changes that. I am very comfortable with who I am warts and all.

Having said all this I can only control myself. Its a big hit when your past catches up with you so I was a bit wigged out about this stuff (and still am)

My youngest kids are going thru some stuff at the mo, happy sad mad glad but luckily we have an open relationship so they get to tell me all that stuff.

I thank you all for your thoughts and wishes its great to have this sort of resource and also to have the quality of people that visit this site. Its one of the reasons I visit here. You get that family feel from being here.

Anyway thanks guys I\'ll keep you posted.

btw still havent tracked down my son to tell him (hes 22 with a girlfriend and this thing called a social life). He was 4yo last time he saw her so I hope he steps up.

 

[ipaintminis]

as the perspective from the other side, i\'ll give you what i think...

first, why i\'m \'from the other side\' my father was emotionally and verbally abusive and left in a dramatic divorce, visitation was terriable, no food, nothing to drink but beer, recorded my phone conversations (a felony incase you were wondering) and he called the cops twice... just to mention a few things.

so...

i would suggest not trying to give her something right away, laptop or computer. let her know that you know her love cant be bought. thats really important. my father, atm, is holding a trust fund over my head, love in exchange for money...it wont work for him, and it might not work for you...theres nothing saying in the long run a present because you enjoy your time together isn\'t a bad thing. but walking up with keys or a big box isn\'t going to help the situation.

earn her love, respect, trust...don\'t try and buy it.


everyone else\'s covered everything else i was going to say, but i had to say that.

 

[airhead]

OB, as to getting back with x1, that is your call. There was a reason you broke up. Is it still there? Can you forgive it? Can you never use it in as ammo in an argument? If you and her can say yes, then you have a possiblitity.

My marriage is 21, not all of it has been flowers and sunshine. It takes work & commitment - you cannot just walk away. You also have to learn how to disagree without fighting and how to fight nicely.

Final words in case nothing has changed -
\"He who has been kicked by mule twice has learned nothing.\"

 

[finn17]

I\'m glad I\'m not the only one whose life reads like a soap script...

I can only concur with most of what\'s been said...

Your first dilemma isn\'t a dilemma....Friendship is more important than most other factors in a (long term) relationship. There is no reason why you need to change that when you become a \'couple\'. If you don\'t change into your idea of what a \'male partner\' should be and she doesn\'t turn into \'female partner\' nothing will have changed...will it?

As for the second dilemma. Be honest, be totally honest. Don\'t bribe, dont overplay your hand...just be who you really are....Tell her all your concerns about what\'s happening, tell her what your best hope is with regards to the outcome and then it will either work or it wont.

There is a rule which doctors etc. are expected to abide by...\'Do no harm\'. In other words, as long as you don\'t f*ck things up further, you should regard it as a success...But don\'t have unrealistic expectations.

Good luck!

 

[Xavier]

I\'ve been with my wife for 19yrs now. We dated for 7 of those years. Not an expert I suppose not so exceptional either out of a family of 20 Uncles/Aunts about 50+ cousins weve only seen 1 divorce.

The point is, in our family, every man\'s wife is his best friend. Becuase if you don\'t enjoy being around your significant other the marrage won\'t last.


Now about your daughter... is there really anything to think about it? Parent child relationships are far more important than most people realize.[Edited due poor grammer ]