lol another funny e-mail sent to me.....
Article Specs
One Feminist Witch\'s Take On Mother\'s Day
Author: fortuna
(Note: This is an actual email to my family, 2 young men and their father.)
Dear Family of XY’s…
Mother\'s Day Manifesto, 2008
Well first off, the EARTH is our Mother and when you litter and disrespect her, you hurt me. So don\'t even consider wishing me a Happy Mother’s day if you dishonor her. Litter = anything that belongs in the trash, and this includes cigarette butts. Okay?
Also, polluting my air with smoke and/or failing to recycle are affronts to ME (ME is a multi-tasking acronym. It stands for “me” and “Mother Earth”) Got it? Good!
Now to my “suggestions”
1. I have gotten your grandmother (my Mother, your Gran or MIL) a gift. I will get her a card and probably cut her some flowers from the yard. Now, we know she has Alzheimer’s, and it can be difficult but I will spend time with her. You are invited.
If you choose to go with me, be ready when I am ready. Don’t mess around with your hair or your armpits, etc. And be prepared for me to drive. I will no longer tolerate any attempts on your part to \"control\" this scenario by dragging your heels.
I will stay with her as long as I can handle it. When the time comes, I will leave. If you are willing to abide by this, you may join me.
2. I will be doing the Stand for Peace. It means I will ring a bell, stand in silence for 5 minutes and then ring a bell again at 1P.M http://www.standingwomen.org/. If you aren\'t interested... then, well, find something else to do.
3. Don\'t even think of getting me a present. We know I can’t eat chocolate and do you really want to hear my rant about conspicuous consumption and Hallmark holidays again? If you must do something, consider this list or minimally, make me a card… Seriously, how many times do we have to chew this bone?
4. Let\'s talk health and safety first. I\'ve got a lousy immune system. We know that. And you\'ve witnessed how I\'ve got to put on those rubber gloves to clear the yard of dog droppings and to cook meat/chicken for your dinner. Do you think I enjoy this?
Also, you know I\'m allergic to bees, yet who is out there spraying them? And then let\'s not forget the poison ivy. We know I suffer horribly from that, and then I have to take steroids and YOU then suffer horribly. How about giving a Witch a hand with that?
5. More on health... We also know that I\'ve had this pesky pain problem and the not feeling my hands issue. Now years ago, that wonderful Doctor at the Urgent Care center told me not to lift anything more than a newspaper. Well, I didn\'t listen… and apparently neither did you. So if you see heavy pots and pans, and laundry or really anything that needs lifting, well, do it!
This also goes for reaching. I\'m struggling with a frozen shoulder. Many Crones do –especially diabetic ones for some reason. I simply cannot reach to do things. Now, why then, am I reaching into cabinets for things for you? And reaching for pots and pans at the stove? Especially when you know I don\'t eat 95% of the things you do, yet you frown because I say I don’t enjoy cooking.
6. Let\'s talk about carrying things now. Well, gee, a woman with a problem feeling her hands, a bad back and shoulders. Why am I carrying your laundry upstairs to the first floor? Why? And then, to add insult to injury, YOU DON\"T EVEN TAKE IT TO YOUR ROOMS.
I\'ve been participating in a laundry \"slowdown\". If you haven\'t noticed, perhaps your friends have. (I\'m surprised they haven\'t mentioned it.) MOVE THE CLEAN CLOTHES OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM.

Or slowdown = strike.
I feel the same way about shopping at the Stupidmarket. I hear there are grocery delivery services. But I’m pretty sure the Cable TV would have to go so we could afford it.
7. I was not incarnated to be your alarm clock. Or your secretary. You are all adults. Figure a way to get up on your own. And keep your own appointments. You didn\'t get me an Administrative Assistant\'s gift, so I\'ve resigned. I don\'t believe there is an official Timekeeper\'s day. There should be. Mothers should be forever excused from clock watching. Do you really think we want to be that irritating?
8. Besides the despicable state of the interior of the home and the very laissez-faire attitude about yard work, we need to talk about wrecked things in the yard. If you are not going to repair the car that has been there for 3 years, or put the boat back together... consider them gone.
This could happen very, very soon because I\'ve checked the titles, and guess what? I own them! Now the word ‘title’ is a clue that they are endangered. They could be tax deductions! Another job I do, btw. Did I ask for a percentage of your tax returns? Heck, I even paid to file them online, and in one instance, fronted the $6 in taxes you owed... I\'m really a sucker, aren\'t I?
Here’s an idea. Those economic stimulus checks (which you wouldn’t be getting if I hadn’t filed for two of you) combined might just be enough to replace the circa 1969 washer and maybe the dryer if you can refrain from all those “great” deals out there. If the clothes washer drained the first time, and the dryer worked in less than an hour, maybe I’d be less resentful of time spent wrangling laundry... and maybe our electric bill would go down.
BTW, who needs an air conditioner on in NY in April? Someone smoking something “funny” I guess. Do you think I can’t tell the difference between sage and maryjane?
9. The Garage. Well now, that\'s a huge problem. See, the electric garage door has been broken for from 2 to 7 years. I cannot figure out how to open it manually nor do I have the strength. I would pay someone to fix that (and the kitchen fan. I\'m certain they are related.) but frankly, I would be afraid to send anyone in there for fear we would never see them again, triggering a missing persons investigation. And how embarrassing would that be?
\"Electrician Vanishes In Baffling Garage Incident. \" Imagine us on TV? In the papers? Can you honestly say that there isn\'t a missing person in the garage right now? We wouldn\'t know, would we?
10. The Shed. The same thing goes for the shed. Admit it. You are never going to play croquet again. So throw those suckers out. And the weight bench, and all the other stuff in there. Put it up on the Freecycle list.
A shed is for tools (Oh and of course my tack trunk! I will ride again someday, I just know it.) and storage of things we use. Contemplate that, but DO something soon. Remember, I’ve got a freecycler’s account too and I’m not afraid to use it…
11. Why do we have three lawnmowers? Only one works. Is there some new phase we are getting in to? Do you think you are actually going to build things from them? If so, where?
Btw, they are gasoline engines so DO NOT EVEN THINK of throwing them out with the garbage. And by odd coincidence the town recycling depot also accepts Ecycling things. Now isn\'t that just your good luck? I’ve been there a few times. Did you notice?
12. More on Health and Welfare of Mom the Witch.
Stress. It\'s a short word. It’s a big problem. I don\'t understand why you cannot remember our Garbage schedule. Recycling goes out on TUESDAY NIGHT like it has for the last 13 years. One week, cans/bottles; the next week? Paper. And Garbage night hasn\'t moved. It\'s still out on Sunday and out on Wednesday night.
And those garbage pails, once they are empty… Well really… Do you think that they should be left in the street? Or nested like Russian Dolls so I can\'t get at just one of them?
Please! Men.. I\'m a feminist and I believe in equal sharing of jobs but goddessdarnit, I am also not your walking weekly calendar. What is so hard about remembering garbage night? If you can remember Game codes, Fantasy Football stats, the entire discography of Kurt Cobain, the names of the Presidents and what bills they are on, and decipher lawnmower conversion instructions, then you can remember Garbage night!
13. I\'m A Witch. If you don\'t understand what that means... I will educate you. Or you could go to religioustolerance.org. Being a witch means (to me, others will disagree), among other things: I don\'t believe in Hell, and there is no Devil. (There is a Goddess and a God, and guess what? THEY want me to be happy! )
Don\'t tell me you are a practicing Christian. Practice makes perfect and I am a perfecting Witch. This means I do rituals and devotions every day.
Do you?
When you do, I will respect your faith, and perhaps consider celebrating some of your Holy Days along with you. Though you might have noticed that I\'ve never twisted your arm to celebrate mine. I admit, there are a whole lot of them but I seem to recall going to church every Sunday as a girl, and then on Holy Days...
BTW, That WAS Pan in the Backyard on Walpurgis Night. I don\'t want to have this discussion again. Ever. Pan (or the Wild Man or Cernunnos) is not the Devil.
I love you all dearly, but it had to be said...
xo Mom