Tales from the Freak Bar

[War Griffon]

Seeing as we are now onto bad jokes try this one

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. \"Look, you\'ve got a lot
to live for.\" he said. \"I\'m off to America in the morning, and if you like,
I can stow you away on my ship. I\'ll take good care of you and bring you
food every day.\" Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added, \"I\'ll keep you happy, and you\'ll keep me happy.\" The girl nodded.
After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her
aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her
three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until
dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain. \"What are you doing here?\" the Captain asked. \"I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors,\" she explained, \"He\'s taking me to
America, and he\'s screwing me.\" \"He certainly is,\" said the Captain. \"This
is the Dover-Calais ferry.\"

On another note Bubba just how did you find out it was my bitrthday I don\'t recall seing it anywhere ???

 

[Sand Rat]

I guess if I get my tail out of the door, all these youngsters would stay out of the bar.

 

[Bubba]

It is finally Freaky Friday, time for all good freaks to tell a bad joke & get a free drink. Best bad joke (worst) gets to wear the crown.

Originally posted by War Griffon...Bubba just how did you find out it was my bitrthday I don\'t recall seing it anywhere ???

Bartenders know everything, sir.

I\'ll start:
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat\'s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, \"Make the entire ocean into beer!\" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: \"Nice going idiot! Now we\'re going to have to piss in the boat!\"

 

[War Griffon]

Not so much a joke as I posted a joke earlier today but this one still makes me smile

A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in
her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb. It\'s hard to believe these were actually done by
grade one kids (6 year olds), because the last one is classic!

Better to be safe than......................punch a grade 7 boy.
Strike while the .........................insect is close.
It\'s always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don\'t bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can\'t teach an old dog new..............maths.
If you lie down with dogs, you\'ll...........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there\'s smoke there\'s.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two\'s company, three\'s......................the Musketeers.
Don\'t put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..............you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
If at first you don\'t succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
And the favorite: Better late than............................pregnant!

 

[spazzy]

I\'ll start my morning with a Henry\'s, and here\'s my two worst jokes,

A French man, a Texan, and an Irish man were sitting together drinking. The Frenchman found a fly in his wine and threw out the whole bottle. The Texan found a fly in his beer, picked it out, and drank the whole bottle. The Irish man found a fly in his whiskey, picked it out, and held it over his glass, shouting \"Spit it out!\"

Here\'s the really bad one,

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says \"I\'m looking for the man that shot my pa\'.\"

Steelcult, you know you would have let me in here anyway. I may be a newbie, but at least I\'m fun.

 

[wiccanpony]

Whoo Hoo....free drink!!

first my apologies to anyone gay, but guess who sent me this one.


Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After \"Brokeback
Mountain\"...

1. \"I\'m gonna pump you fulla lead!\"

2. \"Give me a stiff one, barkeep!\"

3. \"Don\'t fret---I\'ve been in tight spots before.\"

4. \"Howdy, pardner.\"

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind.\"

6. Two words: \"Saddle Sore.\"

7. \"Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like.\"

8. \"Let\'s mount up!\"

9. \"Nice spread ya got there!\"

10. \"Ride\'em cowboy!\"

11. \"I reckon this might hurt a little\"

 

[leopardpixie]

lmao

 

[supervike]

hee! good ones!

Here is an oldie...

Two guys were out on a remote camp site. One fella Joe really had to relief himself, and stood in the bushes to do so. A rattle snake jumped up and bit him right in his manhood.

Panicky, he yelled for his buddy Dave to go for help. The closest was an unmanned forestry station a few miles away. Dave ran non stop and got to the phone there. He called the emergency line and was told there wouldn\'t be enough time for someone to reach the striken man, so Dave would have to suck out the venom or his friend would die.....

So Dave runs all the way back to the campsite. The frantic friend is on the ground writhing in pain....\"What do we do? Is help coming\". asked Joe.

\"No,\" says Dave \"you\'re gonna die.\"

 

[finn17]

Heh...

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

The barman says, \"What is this..some kind of joke?\"

:innocent:

 

[Dragon Forge Design]

Since its a day for Bad bar joke...

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

\"No thank you,\" she said politely.\" \"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I\'m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.\"

\"That must be rather difficult,\" the man replied.

\"Oh, I don\'t mind too much,\" she said. \"But, it has my husband pretty upset.\"

 

[Bubba]

Mr. Griffin gets to wear the crown today for the worst joke yesterday. It was close, but the judges\' ruling is final.

Today, we have a live band on the stage - Casting Minis. We have a stage?

The will be singing such classics as:
\"All my heros have always been Space Marines\"

Other requests?

 

[War Griffon]

Margo\'s version of Queens \"One Vision\" tittled One Vote springs to mind, if nobody remembers it I have a copy somewhere I can dig out

 

[freakinacage]

Originally posted by War Griffon
Margo\'s version of Queens \"One Vision\" tittled One Vote springs to mind, if nobody remembers it I have a copy somewhere I can dig out

tittled? a freudian slip maybe?

as for a copy, yes please....

 

[War Griffon]

Originally posted by freakinacage

Originally posted by War Griffon
Margo\'s version of Queens \"One Vision\" tittled One Vote springs to mind, if nobody remembers it I have a copy somewhere I can dig out

tittled? a freudian slip maybe?

as for a copy, yes please....

Don\'t you just hate it without a spell checker

Here you go Margo\'s version of Queens one vision from last year...I think it was from one of the sniper threads.

Margo’s version of CMON One Vote sung to Queen’s One Vision


One man, one vote
One mission,
One pic, one choice
Just one solution,
One click of mouse yeah
One cool submission

Elf flesh, bleached bone,
A paint collision,
One voice one hope,
One real decision,
Wowowowo rate this submission

No wrong no right,
I\'m gonna paint both Chaos Black and Skull White,
No fight, no pain
All we need is one cool submission

Elf flesh, bleached bone,
A paint collision,
One voice one hope,
One real decision,
Wowowowo yeah

I had a dream,
When I was young,
A dream I’m always quoting,
A glimpse of hope and unity,
And registered users voting,
But the snipers strike,
Top scores they dislike,
And my mini cries,
Look what they\'ve done to my dream

Submission!
Give me your vote,
Give me just one,
I\'m ready,
There\'s only one direction,
One vote, one ambition,
Yeah submission

No hate no fight,
Just excitation,
Painters unite,
It\'s a celebration wowowowo yeah

One one one

Elf flesh, bleached bone,
A paint collision,
One voice one hope,
One real decision,

Gimme one vote,
Gimme one hope,
Just gimme,
One man one man,
One vote one vote,
One way hey hey,
Just gimme gimme gimme
Fair ranking!

 

[airhead]

(to the tune of Spiderman)

Harlequins, harlequins,
friendly neighborhood halequins.

 

[wiccanpony]

Originally posted by Bubba
Mr. Griffin gets to wear the crown today for the worst joke yesterday. It was close, but the judges\' ruling is final.

Today, we have a live band on the stage - Casting Minis. We have a stage?

The will be singing such classics as:
\"All my heros have always been Space Marines\"

Other requests?

Am I late?!?

play, Orinoco Flow and It\'s Raining Men

 

[Drake Farstrider]

3000

Well here it is with out further ado, my 3000 post. Thank you, thank you no aplause is needed.

Barkeep, your finest Scotch for me please, and pass out a drink to everyone else.

 

[Bubba]

Originally posted by Drake Farstrider
Well here it is with out further ado, my 3000 post. Thank you, thank you no aplause is needed.

Barkeep, your finest Scotch for me please, and pass out a drink to everyone else.

Well done Mr. Strider. One round for all today.

Some of you are enjoying the bar today on a long weekend, congradulations.

We have home-made ice cream churning away out back. And patriotic drinks all day today & tomorrow

 

[penguin]

BUMP!!! I WANT MY LEFFE NOW!! :innocent:

 

[Bubba]

Ms. Knees, one Leffee heavily laced with valium please for the penguin.