got this mail a while ago most of you may have seen it but it fits so well with todays H&S nonsense.
The (Politically correct) Battle of Trafalgar
Nelson:
\"Order the signal, Hardy.\"
Hardy:
\"Aye, aye sir.\"
Nelson:
\"Hold on, that\'s not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What\'s the meaning of this?\"
Hardy:
\"Sorry sir?\"
Nelson (reading aloud):
\"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.
What gobbledygook is this?\"
Hardy:
\"Admiralty policy, I\'m afraid, sir.
We\'re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil\'s own job getting \'England\' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.\"
Nelson:
\"Gadzooks! Hardy, hand me my pipe and tobacco.\"
Hardy:
\"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.\"
Nelson:
\"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.\"
Hardy:
\"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government\'s policy on binge drinking.\"
Nelson:
\"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we\'d better get on with it ...
full speed ahead.\"
Hardy:
\"I think you\'ll find that there\'s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.\"
Nelson:
\"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow\'s nest please.\"
Hardy:
\"That won\'t be possible, sir.\"
Nelson:
\"What?\"
Hardy:
\"Health and safety have closed the crow\'s nest, sir.
No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn\'t meet regulations. They won\'t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.\"
Nelson:
\"Then get me the ship\'s carpenter without delay, Hardy.\"
Hardy:
\"He\'s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo\'c\'sle Admiral.\"
Nelson:
\"Wheelchair access there? I\'ve never heard anything so absurd.\"
Hardy:
\"Health and safety again, sir.We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.\"
Nelson:
\"Differently abled?
I\'ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.
I didn\'t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.\"
Hardy:
\"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.\"
Nelson:
\"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.\"
Hardy:
\"A couple of problems there too, sir.
Health and safety won\'t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don\'t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven\'t you seen the adverts?\"
Nelson:
\"I\'ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.\"
Hardy:
\"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.\"
Nelson:
\"What? This is mutiny.\"
Hardy:
\"It\'s not that, sir. It\'s just that they\'re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.
There\'s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.\"
Nelson:
\"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?\"
Hardy:
\"Actually, sir, we\'re not.\"
Nelson:
\"We\'re not?\"
Hardy:
\"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn\'t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.\"
Nelson:
\"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.\"
Hardy:
\"I wouldn\'t let the ship\'s diversity co-coordinatorhear you saying that, sir. You\'ll be up on disciplinary.\"
Nelson:
\"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.\"
Hardy:
\"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it\'s the rules.\"
Nelson:
\"Don\'t tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?\"
Hardy:
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there\'s a ban on corporal punishment.\"
Nelson:
\"What about sodomy?\"
Hardy:
\"I believe it\'s to be encouraged, sir.\"
Nelson:
\"In that case ...
kiss me, Hardy!\"