Tales from the Freak Bar 8 (trevor blew the old one up)
- Thread starter uberdark
- Start date
- Status
And the ones that don\'t,.....Well they bite.
airhead
Coffin Dodger / Keymaster
It is so hot today:
Birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
Trees are whistling for the dogs.
Best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water comes out of both taps.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, \"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?\"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
Cows are giving evaporated milk.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
Birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
Trees are whistling for the dogs.
Best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water comes out of both taps.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, \"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?\"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
Cows are giving evaporated milk.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
lizcam
New member
BUBBA! DRINKS ON ME TONIGHT!
WOOT! WOOT! WOOT! I got an apartment! Just got back from paying my deposit ($1540.00). It was a nightmare to get but the manager of the place is the man who hired me 8.5 years ago into the place I work now. I \"move in\" on the 1st (actually, I\'m shooting for the 15th because I want to do some things like painting and turning on utillities BEFORE I move in).
It\'s in an apartment village that has 14 buildings. Each building is 2 stories and has 10 units on each floor. The village has a pool and weight room. Also a community center/office and 2 laundery rooms. It\'s near the freeway and major shopping. It\'s 1 bedroom but I can\'t do the stairs to get to the 2nd floor and all the open units on the ground floors are 1 bedroom. It means for now my son has to sleep on a sofa bed when he\'s over. But i 6 months I can move to a 2 bedroom if one comes available. The rent is low for the area ($745.00 a month) and includes gas, water and trash. I pay electric, cable and phone (I can combine the phone and cable as I have Vonage which runs through my computer so I can talke to Roger for free).
Down sides? 1 bedroom, I live right next to the super, and it\'s right on top of the San Adreas fault line. If the big one hits I\'ll be at the bottom of the sea. Also, I can\'t have pets. That\'s the thing that really hurts. The ex will have to keep my cats. -sigh- But that\'s the way it goes. It\'s also small, but then it\'s an apartment. They\'re built that way.
Soon I\'ll have a paint station set up again and can get back to my little lead men. Squeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOT! WOOT! WOOT! I got an apartment! Just got back from paying my deposit ($1540.00). It was a nightmare to get but the manager of the place is the man who hired me 8.5 years ago into the place I work now. I \"move in\" on the 1st (actually, I\'m shooting for the 15th because I want to do some things like painting and turning on utillities BEFORE I move in).
It\'s in an apartment village that has 14 buildings. Each building is 2 stories and has 10 units on each floor. The village has a pool and weight room. Also a community center/office and 2 laundery rooms. It\'s near the freeway and major shopping. It\'s 1 bedroom but I can\'t do the stairs to get to the 2nd floor and all the open units on the ground floors are 1 bedroom. It means for now my son has to sleep on a sofa bed when he\'s over. But i 6 months I can move to a 2 bedroom if one comes available. The rent is low for the area ($745.00 a month) and includes gas, water and trash. I pay electric, cable and phone (I can combine the phone and cable as I have Vonage which runs through my computer so I can talke to Roger for free).
Down sides? 1 bedroom, I live right next to the super, and it\'s right on top of the San Adreas fault line. If the big one hits I\'ll be at the bottom of the sea. Also, I can\'t have pets. That\'s the thing that really hurts. The ex will have to keep my cats. -sigh- But that\'s the way it goes. It\'s also small, but then it\'s an apartment. They\'re built that way.
Soon I\'ll have a paint station set up again and can get back to my little lead men. Squeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
Roger Bunting
New member
Woohoo! Finally sorted the apartment. yay for Liz, and me as I get to go and see it in October!
wiccanpony
Official Freak Bar Witch
Walks in and heads toward the bar for the free drinks ... notices a shadowy mopper makes hand shadow bunny ears over it’s head. Stubborn, oh goody a challenge.:twisted:lol
lizcam
New member
Originally posted by Occultist
A challenge indeed *uses his hands to create the shadow of a bunny on the wall, which quickly gets eaten by the shadow mopper*
best be careful, they bite
Oooo Donna! You\'ve been away from the bar too much. The patrons are getting all uppitty and stuff! This is THE Witch you\'re dealing with she IS the bar. Be careful. :twisted:
Me? I\'m just the butter goddess. Give me yak butter and a couple of amish boys and I\'m happy as a lark!:innocent:
Well it\'s that time of the year again. The time of year that makes some children squeal with delight and at the same time shiver in fear.
IT\"S FAIR TIME!
Ah, the Great Minnesota Get Together! Farm animals, home made fashions and Carnies. Where a body can find \"Sweet Martha\'s Cookies\", Gator on a stick, and Peach Blazed Pig cheek all with in 3 blocks of each other. If it can be deep fat fried and/or put on a stick, you\'ll find it here.
Where we don\'t sculpt our lovely young women in the finest Italian marble, but in the gradest A-ist butter.
Where you can find a motorcycle that not only has a roof but also a shoulder safety belt (that\'s right folks not just a lap but shoulder ???) and costs more then the car that I\'m driving ($16000).
So I\'m here to inform you all that I\'m absconding with the Virgins and the Cheerleaders for a couple of days of pigging out, riding rides (they look safer this year), and playing on all the farm machinery. Any of the Amish are welcomed to tag a long, if they\'re not already there in the jam contest.
Fluffy, Famous Davy\'s is looking to see if you like to work the Fair booth, I guess that dragon seared pig must have been a hit.
IT\"S FAIR TIME!
Ah, the Great Minnesota Get Together! Farm animals, home made fashions and Carnies. Where a body can find \"Sweet Martha\'s Cookies\", Gator on a stick, and Peach Blazed Pig cheek all with in 3 blocks of each other. If it can be deep fat fried and/or put on a stick, you\'ll find it here.
Where we don\'t sculpt our lovely young women in the finest Italian marble, but in the gradest A-ist butter.
Where you can find a motorcycle that not only has a roof but also a shoulder safety belt (that\'s right folks not just a lap but shoulder ???) and costs more then the car that I\'m driving ($16000).
So I\'m here to inform you all that I\'m absconding with the Virgins and the Cheerleaders for a couple of days of pigging out, riding rides (they look safer this year), and playing on all the farm machinery. Any of the Amish are welcomed to tag a long, if they\'re not already there in the jam contest.
Fluffy, Famous Davy\'s is looking to see if you like to work the Fair booth, I guess that dragon seared pig must have been a hit.
Sand Rat
New member
R&R!! Sweet release from the desert and a chance to go home and cuddle the cats and chase the sig other around the apartment.
Will be heading out of here in the morning for 3 days of flights - about 20 hours total from wheels up to wheels down at final destination.
Drinks on me!:drunk:
Will be heading out of here in the morning for 3 days of flights - about 20 hours total from wheels up to wheels down at final destination.
Drinks on me!:drunk:
airhead
Coffin Dodger / Keymaster
Since the holiday weekend is coming up, I thought I\'d mow the back yard.
We have the standard 6-ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had; made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8-ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I\'m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6-hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I thought that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn\'t remembered to unplug it after all......
Now I\'m standing there, I\'ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-s#@t lawn mower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you\'re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I\'m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can\'t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece-of-s#@t chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Florida silty sand soil. At this point I\'m thinking I\'m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
\'Damn!,\' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think \'Oh God please let me die ... Pleeeeaze!!. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner\'s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don\'t know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don\'t understand this???)..
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow..
We have the standard 6-ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had; made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8-ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I\'m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6-hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I thought that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn\'t remembered to unplug it after all......
Now I\'m standing there, I\'ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-s#@t lawn mower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you\'re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I\'m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can\'t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece-of-s#@t chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Florida silty sand soil. At this point I\'m thinking I\'m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
\'Damn!,\' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think \'Oh God please let me die ... Pleeeeaze!!. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner\'s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 90% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don\'t know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don\'t understand this???)..
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow..
JesterzUSMC
Recovering Megalomaniac
OMG!
That was frikkin\' hilarious!
I laughed so hard coffee came out my nose!
Something like this is exactly why we no longer have our electric fence...heh heh.
That was frikkin\' hilarious!
I laughed so hard coffee came out my nose!
Something like this is exactly why we no longer have our electric fence...heh heh.
- Status
