Tales from the Freak Bar 8 (trevor blew the old one up)
- Thread starter uberdark
- Start date
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Roger Bunting
New member
Well, I've been in CA for a few days now. Still adjusting to the time difference and the sleep I lost, as well as the cold I caught. Liz is at work at the moment so I'm on my own. Well, me and the two guinea pigs we bought on tuesday.
wiccanpony
Official Freak Bar Witch
:loser:
> GCSE examination
> -------------------------
>
> The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )
>
> These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)
>
> (1)-----------Q. Name the four seasons
> A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
>
>
> (2)-----------Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
> A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists ....(Canoeists??)
>
>
> (3)-------------Q. How is dew formed
> A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
>
>
> (4)-------------Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
> A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All watertends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
>
>
> (5)------------Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
> A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
>
>
> (6)------------Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
> A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
>
>
> (7)------------Q. What are steroids
> A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .................... (Shoot yourself now ,there is little hope)
>
>
> (8)--------Q. What happens to your body as you age
> A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental .......... ( at ballistic speed!!!)
>
>
> (9)---------Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
> A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery .............. (So true)
>
>
> (10)-------Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
> A. Premature death
>
> (11)--------Q. What is artificial insemination
> A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .............................. (Oh my Gawdt)
>
>
> (12)-------Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
> A. Keep it in the cow ............................................................(Simple, but brilliant)
>
>
> (13)---------Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
> A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and
> the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
> the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
> A,E,I,O and U ............................................................(What the *!!*???)
>
>
> (14)----------Q. What is the fibula
> A. A small lie
>
>
> (15)---------Q. What does 'varicose' mean
> A. Nearby
>
>
> (16)--------------Q. What is the most common form of birth control
> A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium .(That would work)
>
>
> (17)----------Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
> A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
>
>
> (18)------------Q. What is a seizure
> A. A Roman Emperor .(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
>
>
> (19)-----------Q. What is a terminal illness
> A. When you are sick at the airport .(Irrefutable)
>
>
> (20)--------Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
> A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
>
>
> (21)-------Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
> A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face .........................(OMG)
>
>
> (22)----------Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
> A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
>
>
> (23)-----------Q. What is a turbine
> A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
>
> GCSE examination
> -------------------------
>
> The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )
>
> These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)
>
> (1)-----------Q. Name the four seasons
> A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
>
>
> (2)-----------Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
> A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists ....(Canoeists??)
>
>
> (3)-------------Q. How is dew formed
> A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
>
>
> (4)-------------Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
> A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All watertends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
>
>
> (5)------------Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
> A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
>
>
> (6)------------Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
> A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
>
>
> (7)------------Q. What are steroids
> A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .................... (Shoot yourself now ,there is little hope)
>
>
> (8)--------Q. What happens to your body as you age
> A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental .......... ( at ballistic speed!!!)
>
>
> (9)---------Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
> A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery .............. (So true)
>
>
> (10)-------Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
> A. Premature death
>
> (11)--------Q. What is artificial insemination
> A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .............................. (Oh my Gawdt)
>
>
> (12)-------Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
> A. Keep it in the cow ............................................................(Simple, but brilliant)
>
>
> (13)---------Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
> A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and
> the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
> the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
> A,E,I,O and U ............................................................(What the *!!*???)
>
>
> (14)----------Q. What is the fibula
> A. A small lie
>
>
> (15)---------Q. What does 'varicose' mean
> A. Nearby
>
>
> (16)--------------Q. What is the most common form of birth control
> A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium .(That would work)
>
>
> (17)----------Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
> A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
>
>
> (18)------------Q. What is a seizure
> A. A Roman Emperor .(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
>
>
> (19)-----------Q. What is a terminal illness
> A. When you are sick at the airport .(Irrefutable)
>
>
> (20)--------Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
> A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
>
>
> (21)-------Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
> A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face .........................(OMG)
>
>
> (22)----------Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
> A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
>
>
> (23)-----------Q. What is a turbine
> A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
>
War Griffon
New member
Don't want to dampen your bonfire Donna but these have been bouncing about the yet from one country or another for the last few years :smile:
wiccanpony
Official Freak Bar Witch
:smile: makes feel like Mensa material
Roger Bunting
New member
Happy Samhain, or Halloween!
@Mud Duck. Yes, I'm still alive, although it was touch and go there trying to adjust to the time zones. It didn't help I'd overdone things leading up to the trip so I was especially tired before the flight. They almost didn't let me in the country as they had questions about why I was staying for so long.
Haven't really done any sight-seeing just yet. This trip is more about seeing if Liz and I can live together, although there will be the occasional trip elsewhere, such as going down to San Diego to see Donna. We did pass Vasquez Rocks on the way from the airport, which is where a lot of film and t.v. stuff has used as a location, if they wanted interesting and alien rock features. Also passed Justin Timberlake's house, on a hill in the desert. Gee, what a view, brown everywhere, and the freeway.
I'll be experiencing my first U.S. Halloween today and we carved some pumpkins. Liz has to work this evening so it's down to me to keep the masses from the door, or dishing out candy.
We bought a couple of Guinea Pigs the other day. Pics are on the way soon.
@Mud Duck. Yes, I'm still alive, although it was touch and go there trying to adjust to the time zones. It didn't help I'd overdone things leading up to the trip so I was especially tired before the flight. They almost didn't let me in the country as they had questions about why I was staying for so long.
Haven't really done any sight-seeing just yet. This trip is more about seeing if Liz and I can live together, although there will be the occasional trip elsewhere, such as going down to San Diego to see Donna. We did pass Vasquez Rocks on the way from the airport, which is where a lot of film and t.v. stuff has used as a location, if they wanted interesting and alien rock features. Also passed Justin Timberlake's house, on a hill in the desert. Gee, what a view, brown everywhere, and the freeway.
I'll be experiencing my first U.S. Halloween today and we carved some pumpkins. Liz has to work this evening so it's down to me to keep the masses from the door, or dishing out candy.
We bought a couple of Guinea Pigs the other day. Pics are on the way soon.
I've seen the writers...Scariest thing I've seen in ages.
War Griffon
New member
You think thats bad I want a penny for every time I have been asked if when passing through Immigration here I get asked by an American that can't decide if their surname is their first name or their last name...I jest you not.
One the other night put her first name in the surname box realised she had spelt it wrong so crossed it out and put the correct spelling in :excruciating::disapointed::struggle:
We need a shaking head smiley
PegaZus
Stealth Freak
Or a shrug: :shrug: (<-- didn't work) Guess you could use a crying one, mixed with laughing.
Surname just isn't used at all here. I doubt either of my kids, nor my wife (but English as 2nd language) know or have even heard the term "surname". All the forms say "First" and "Last". About the only place I can think I'd see surname at all is in books older than 40. And I'm certain that several thousand militant womyn object to having a "sir-name". Oh, it's rampant, I tells ya.
Men are like gas,
Not good when passed.
And women fall into the latter category.
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