There\'s a joke inside this thread with a naughty word in it...

[dougaderly]

I tell the dead monkey joke too. usually in conjunction with this one:

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

-Where\'s my tractor?

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

- cause he was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

-cause he was dead too

where did the farmer find his tractor?

-under a pile of dead monkeys

 

[philologus]

Q. Why do Surgeons like operating on lawyers?

A. Because Lawyers have no heart, no brains, no guts and their heads and asses are interchangeable.

 

[Ebonbuddha]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1)Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

[penguin]

That was pretty good! But i think HakoMike\'s \"driving me nuts\" joke has been the best so far. Quality. Oh, here\'s another from me then:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

 

[Ebonbuddha]

Thats a good one too.

What is the difference between a good beer and a woman:
1:A good beer never goes flat.
2:A good beer never commits when its between your legs.
3:A good beer never complains when you\'ve had better.
4:A good beer doesn\'t try to kill you when you tell it its too big.
5:The hole you put you\'re mouth on never gets bigger.
6:You never have to impress a good beer, it loves you no matter what.

 

[Dragonsreach]

Got this one in an Email this morning.
Don\'t know if it\'s true ...............But I bet there are a lot of people who wish it was.

[color=dark blue]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman\'s credibility....

Q: \"Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?\"

A: \"No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.\"

Q: \"Officer -- who provided this description?\"

A: \"The officer who responded to the scene.\"

Q: \"A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?\"

A: \"Yes, sir. With my life.\"

Q: \"With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?\"

A: \"Yes sir, we do!\"

Q: \"And do you have a locker in the room?\"

A: \"Yes sir, I do.\"

Q: \"And do you have a lock on your locker?\"

A: \"Yes sir.\"

Q: \"Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?\"

A: \"You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.\"

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year\'s \"Best Comeback\" line -- and we think he\'ll win. [/color]

 

[Ebonbuddha]

That is good DR.

One night Satan appears to a trial attorney working late in his office. \"I’m Satan,\" says the devil, \"and I’m here to give you everything you want.\" \"You’ll be the most famous lawyer of all time, you’ll win every case you represent, and you’ll have all the money you’d ever want, fabulous houses, cars, beautiful women!\" \"In return,\" he says, \"I want your soul, your mother and father’s souls, the soul of your wife and children and from all of your best friends!\" \"I don’t get it,\" says the lawyer. \"What’s the catch?\"

 

[penguin]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

 

[penguin]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad, you’re drunk.”

 

[penguin]

The mother-in-law said to me, \"when you die, I\'ll dance on your grave\". I said, \"Good - I\'m being buried at sea\".

 

[freakinacage]

Originally posted by Penguin
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad, you’re drunk.”

yeah, love that one


3 blondes walk into a shop - you\'d have thought one of them would have noticed!

 

[Dragonsreach]

Send to me by War_Griffon who is currently Out to Sea. Literally not metaphorically.

Ten thoughts for the day...

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won\'t bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can\'t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of Cars in Britain......
But we haven\'t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration......?



And he\'s got hundreds more like that.

 

[penguin]

lol Those were good, especially the slinky one Another from me:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn\'t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: \"My friend is dead! What can I do?\" The operator says soothingly: \"Calm down, I can help. First, let\'s make sure he\'s dead.\" There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: \"OK, now what?\"
lol

 

[crimeclown]

There are two guys in a bar, one guy\'s drunk and the other guy is sober. The drunk guy starts to tell the sober one that if you jump off the Empire State Building you\'ll fall half way down and the wind will pick you back up to the top of the building. The sober guy says,\"Yeah right\" . \"I\'ll show you\" , says the drunk one . So they go to the top of the building and the drunk guy jumps off and sure enough he gets half way down and the wind takes him back up to the top . The sober guy says,\" Wow ! Let me try\" ,he jumps off and falls to his death . The drunk guy goes back to the bar sits down . The Bartender says, \"Jeez Superman you\'re an asshole when you\'re drunk\".

 

[MacBrown]

Brave Man Joke

A guy staggers in from the pub. He stinks of booze and cigarettes. His hair\'s a mess, his shirt\'s all untucked and he is covered in red lipstick. He walks over to his wife, slaps her on the arse and says \" You\'re next fatty!\"

 

[Ebonbuddha]

An old woman and man are sitting in a nursing home. The old man says,”Hey! I bet you can’t guess my age.” The woman then says, “Pull down your pants.”
He does and she begins to feel around, grab, and fondle. She finishes. He says, “So?” She then replies “You are 89.” He asks” How did u guess?” She then says, “You told me yesterday.”

 

[Ebonbuddha]

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
\"No,\" says the neighbor. \"The seat is empty.\" \"This is incredible\", said the man.
\"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?\"
The neighbor says \"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.\"
\"Oh ... I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?\"
The man shakes his head \"No. They’re all at the funeral.\"

 

[philologus]

Originally posted by Ebonbuddha
Thats a good one too.

What is the difference between a good beer and a woman:
1:A good beer never goes flat.
2:A good beer never commits when its between your legs.
3:A good beer never complains when you\'ve had better.
4:A good beer doesn\'t try to kill you when you tell it its too big.
5:The hole you put you\'re mouth on never gets bigger.
6:You never have to impress a good beer, it loves you no matter what.

You forgot a couple:
A beer is better when it\'s frigid.

A beer never gets jealous when you have another.

 

[supervike]

Originally posted by philologus

Originally posted by Ebonbuddha
Thats a good one too.

What is the difference between a good beer and a woman:
1:A good beer never goes flat.
2:A good beer never commits when its between your legs.
3:A good beer never complains when you\'ve had better.
4:A good beer doesn\'t try to kill you when you tell it its too big.
5:The hole you put you\'re mouth on never gets bigger.
6:You never have to impress a good beer, it loves you no matter what.

You forgot a couple:
A beer is better when it\'s frigid.

A beer never gets jealous when you have another.

There is also a great joke in here about getting good head...but its late and I\'m tired.

 

[Ebonbuddha]

Sorry. I couldn\'t remember them all. lol

Originally posted by philologus

Originally posted by Ebonbuddha
Thats a good one too.

What is the difference between a good beer and a woman:
1:A good beer never goes flat.
2:A good beer never commits when its between your legs.
3:A good beer never complains when you\'ve had better.
4:A good beer doesn\'t try to kill you when you tell it its too big.
5:The hole you put you\'re mouth on never gets bigger.
6:You never have to impress a good beer, it loves you no matter what.

You forgot a couple:
A beer is better when it\'s frigid.

A beer never gets jealous when you have another.